Page 53 of Until You Found Me

The details of what’s happening to her are muddled and sparse, and yet the fear she experienced remains intact.

“Help, I can’t…I can’t…”

“Tessa wake up. Open your eyes.”

She can’t open her eyes, she can’t breathe, can’t do anything but gasp, wondering if she might see her daughter again when she goes. She’s trapped in this memory with no end in sight until Victor’s voice is replaced with Logan’s and the comfortable, safe rumble of his words cuts through the darkness.

“Look at me, sweetheart. Open your eyes, I’m right here. Look at me.”

As the light fades in one reality, it brightens in another. Her eyes open, fixing on Logan’s face, the only safe haven in a dark world.

He cups her cheek with a tender hand. “You’re okay, just breathe.”

She nods, squeezing her eyes shut again, listening to the sound of his exhales until her own starts to mimic them.

“Take me home,” she begs, unable to spend another second here without fear of falling apart.

She waves off Victor’s instructions, tells him thank you as she’s heading for the door, and then the cold air assaults her with a welcome sting.

“What do you need?” Logan asks when they’re finally in the truck with the heat blasting on high.

“Just to go home.”

She doesn’t dwell on the fact she called his trailer home twice. That’s not on her list of things she wants to ruminate about today. However, not much else takes its place. She’s hollow and numb. She didn’t intend to leave all her emotionsbehind in the therapist’s office but she’s stuck in molasses.

When they return and enter the trailer, she goes through the motions of removing her winter gear, clueless about what to do next.

“Hungry? I can make some dinner,” he offers.

“You go ahead, but I can’t eat.” He stops in front of her and she meets his eyes, wondering if he sees anything at all in hers. “I don’t feel anything, Logan. I should.”

“What do you mean?”

“I saw her face for the first time and in that moment I felt everything and I can’t get that back now. Something terrible happened to her. I didn’t say so at therapy, but I think it did, and I don’t feel anything about that beyond what a stranger would feel for a random child they saw on the news.”

“Come on, sit down—”

“No. Don’t you understand? Even seeing her face was like looking at a stranger. He took everything from me and what if she’s… what if she’s gone and I can’t even mourn her anymore?”

“Tessa, we don’t know if she’s gone.”

“You’re right, we can’t be sure. My memories are jumbled. They’re not linear. Today, it felt like being tossed around to different points in the timeline. I didn’t see anything happen, so maybe it didn’t and she’s still okay? She’s still out there?”

“She could be.”

She reaches out to splay her hand in the middle of his chest and he covers it with his own. “Just when I think I can’t get more fucked up.”

“Don’t rush yourself, okay?”

“Victor thinks we’re trauma bonded,” she says evenly.

“He said that to you?”

She nods. “Maybe he’s right.”

“Didn’t go there for relationship advice.” He scowls.

“That’s what I said.”

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