Page 80 of Until You Found Me

“What? No, I’m already here. I can keep going.”

Reluctantly, the therapist agrees and Tessa forces her way to another memory.

“We left,” she says suddenly. “Me and her, we’re at a shelter. She’s afraid he’ll find us.”

“Do you know the name of the shelter?”

“No. There’s nothing in the room except us and a bed. No other people. No signs. They tell us it’s safe here, but it’s not, nothing ever is and I get afraid that she’s right, that he will find us and when he does it’ll be worse, so we go back. Fuck. I took her back there. What was I thinking?Why did I do that?”

“How long did you stay?”

“One night. Only one. I was brave enough to leave, but not brave enough to leave for good. It’s my fault that she…”

“What?”

“I can’t reach it. It’s right there behind my eyes, scratching at my forehead like a mouse. I can feel the memory. I feel it but I can’t grab it. Shit, shit, shit. It was so much worse that night. He was so angry he almost hit her, too. He tried, but I distracted him and then…no….” She trails off, letting go of his hand to rub her inner thigh where that angry scar resides. “No, this isn’t helping. This is useless, too. Somewhere else, help me get somewhere else that’ll actually show me something I can use. Like my last name or my address. His face.”

“This is more useful than you realize. We should stay here.”

Tessa’s eyes snap open, her irritation obvious. “Running through old memories of how often he beat me isn’t getting me closer to the truth.”

“It could. It’s all a process, but you’re placing too much importance on this single session and that could be blocking your progress. Take some time to clear your mind. We’ll meet again next week.”

“I can’t waste time!” she snaps, wincing a moment later. “Sorry. I’m sorry. There are other things going on now. I can’t sit on my hands hoping it comes to me, so if you have other exercises or suggestions or anything, I’m ready for it.”

Victor has nothing else for her except a forced break. In the end, they leave the session no closer than when they started and with Tessa’s anger at level ten. He’s never seen her this upset, not even at the start when she was confused and fresh off the road. She was stunned then, swept away in the horrorof it all, and now she’s clear-headed enough to let her temper take over.

“I need a new therapist,” she says when they get back in the truck. “He doesn’t understand. I’ve barely made any progress there and now he says I need a break. That’s bullshit. I’m fine. I could have kept going. We’re only wasting time tip-toeing around me like I might break.”

He hates seeing her like this and even more so knowing he’s the reason why. She’s mad because she can’t give him her kidney until she remembers her life and she is absolutely set on recovering that information sooner rather than later.

“No one thinks you’ll break.”

“Good because I won’t.” She pouts, almost childlike in her defiance. She fidgets as they make their way back home until her next question comes out quiet and disbelieving. “Why would I take her back there?”

“Wasn’t your fault. Leaving for good isn’t easy.”

“I was already out. I could have stayed there.”

“Watched my momma try again and again and keep coming back. Wasn’t her fault any more than it was yours. Men like them, they get in your head.”

“I was so afraid of him, Logan. I can still remember it sometimes. Every noise I made, every mistake, not knowing what might set him off. Living in that house was like living in a prison. Now I’m free and I left her behind.”

“You didn’t.”

“I did. One way or another. Either she’s still with him or she’s gone.” She sighs, shaking her head. “If she’s gone, then she lived her whole life afraid. Is it fair that I get to find even a sliver of happiness and she doesn’t?”

“Thinking about things in terms of fairnessis a slippery slope. Nothing in this world is fair. We do the best we can, that’s all. Know you did the best you could, too.”

He shifts to a stop in front of the trailer, leaving it running for the heat when she shows no intention of moving yet.

“I’m so close to remembering something. I can feel it. Next session will be better.”

“Okay, and if it’s not, that’s okay too. No one’s keeping score.”

She cracks a half smile with a shake of her head at her own words being repeated back to her. “Well played. Point taken.”

“Hey, it’s almost Christmas,” he says abruptly, eager to change the subject. “You got plans?”

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