“But would you really want to be part of that, anyway? You moved out as soon as you could and worked your ass off to get through school on your own, and the great job you have. You don’t even have roommates in a city where rent is like more than half your wage. You’re stubbornly, almost stupidly independent. Do you think you’d be able to deal with having a family that close? Up in your business all the time? I mean, his mom walkedinon you. Did she even knock?”
I sighed, having already given it a lot of thought. If Dev and I were going to be together, long term, did that mean we’d always be at his family’s house, having big family dinners like the one I’d been to? Would we have to live with them someday, too? Sometimes I liked eating Kraft Dinner on the couch in my underwear, and living with his family would definitely put a damper on that. The idea of being constantly surrounded by people felt claustrophobic, even in a mansion.
I turned to my fries, dipping them in ketchup. “All I know is that I love Dev. Maybe part of loving him is letting him go. Letting him be the person he was meant to be, without me distracting him.”
Miranda reached across the table and touched my hand. “You’ll find someone, Becky. Trust me. Dev is great, but he’s not the only fish in the sea.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I had limited contact with Dev throughout the week, just the bare minimum texting required to arrange a meeting on Saturday night. Dev wasn’t letting me in on exactly where we were headed, only giving me general directions. I told myself that it was one last date, one last night dancing in the ballroom with the prince before the clock struck midnight and everything turned back into pumpkins.
I’d decided not to tell Miranda about Graham. The conversation hadn’t gone in that direction, and I didn’t want to add more items to her growing list of reasons to feel bad for me. Angelina hadn’t texted me about him, either, having probably forgotten all about it with the news of becoming an aunt. I didn’t want to bother either of them with my problems, anyway. I still wasn’t sure what to make of what Graham said, but I hoped that after this final date with Dev, it would be clearer.
When Saturday came, I was beyond nervous. My anxiety was once again presenting as nausea, rolling in waves on and off throughout the day. If it hadn’t been for getting my period, I’d be worried about being pregnant, too, as if Miranda’s fertility could rub off on me.
I’d decided to dress somewhat casually, probably putting too much effort into it than I needed to. My hair was up in a carefully crafted half-way messy ponytail, my eyeliner was perfect, and the jeans I wore were specifically designed to make my ass look amazing.
Though Dev offered to drive, I told him I’d rather meet him there. The idea of being in a car with him both there and on the way home when our relationship was at its breaking point did not sit well with me. It was nice having the time on the Skytrain to think, to organize my thoughts, and go over the speech I’d prepared earlier in the shower. It was so much easier in the shower. Next time I’d record myself and replay it for whoever was to be on the receiving end.
I got off the bus, and he was there waiting. He leaned against his car, painfully attractive in his jeans and V-neck shirt, exposing a smidge of chest hair. The sleeves were pushed up halfway, revealing those sexy forearms I loved so goddamn much. The way he smiled at me made my stomach jump into my chest, pushing my heart up into my throat. Suddenly I didn’t trust my legs to hold me up, but somehow I managed to make my way to him without tripping over my feet.
I stopped about a foot away. He took a step towards me, the smell of his cologne wafting over with the breeze, combining with the aroma of cedar coming down from the forests on the mountains. It was intoxicating. The way his deep brown eyes drew me in, framed by his long lashes and serious brows, it wasn’t fair. I was helpless.
Dev took another step, closing the distance between us, electricity dancing between our bodies like jumper cables connecting two batteries. He reached up and tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear, his caress so gentle, as if I were made of porcelain. Then, he bent down ever so slightly and pressed his lips to my forehead. My whole body tingled at his touch. My heart pounded against my rib cage as if trying to break free.
Then his arms were around me, pulling me close, and I could feel his own heart pounding in sync with mine. I wrapped my arms around his torso and leaned my head against his chest, breathing him in, wondering why the hell I didn’t spend every single waking moment of my life in his embrace.
The pressure of tears formed behind my eyes as I remembered why I was there. I blinked them back and loosened my grip. He released me, wordlessly opening the car door.
Sitting there, I clenched my fists, steeling my nerve to do what I needed to do. We drove in silence. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, though. With Dev, it never was; his uncanny superpower had a universally calming effect no matter the circumstance.
I was going to miss it.
Glancing over at Dev as he maneuvered through the city streets, I admired the way his hands gripped the steering wheel with gentle confidence, the same way he put his hands on my body. He caught me looking and smiled. I blushed and looked away, out my own window, wondering where we were headed.
Finally, we reached our destination: the Capilano Suspension Bridge. I hadn’t been there since high school—weird destination for a date, but whatever. At least we would be outside, instead of some stuffy restaurant. Even so, all I could think about was my heart aching and the bittersweet feeling that this was our final date. I tried to ignore it so I could enjoy these last few moments together.
I got out of the car and wrapped my jacket a little closer around my body, the shadow of the mountains sapping any warmth left from the day. Dev came around to my side of the car, his hand on my mid-back.
“Something’s bothering you,” he said. Was I so easy to read? Or did he know me that well? He took my hand and we walked, my gaze down at the gravel pathway in front of me.
Given the opening, I took my strength from the giant trees around me, inhaled a shaky breath, and began. “I did something I’m not proud of. I’m not sure what you will think of me, but please let me finish what I have to say.”
He stiffened and then squeezed my hand.
“That night at your parent’s house, after you told them you wanted to move in with me, while everyone was yelling… I recorded it. I’m sorry. I know it was a creepy thing to do, but I had to know what they were saying. I had someone translate it for me.”
He didn’t say anything. I continued, my heart pounding in my ears, my throat dry. We stepped out onto the bridge, old-growth forest surrounding us, cool fog rolling down below like a river. My stomach dropped, not only because of the ground falling away beneath our feet while the narrow bridge swayed in the breeze but because I was about to break my own heart.
And his.
“I appreciate everything going on in your life. I know how hard this must be for you, feeling like you have to choose between me and your family. The last thing I wanted was to take you away from them, to cause a divide there. Your family really loves you, and they also depend on you. Before I came along, you had everything all figured out. Your dad had the business for you to take over, and it sounds like your mom had a girl lined up for you to marry, who, judging by the picture I glanced at, is beautiful. You two look great together.”
He tried to interrupt, but I plowed on, knowing if I didn’t use the momentum I’d gained, I’d never be able to finish.
“I love you. I want what’s best for you. That’s why I think we should end our relationship. What we have is amazing. I’ve never felt like this before with anyone. But there’s more to… to a lifetime commitment than that. You need to be with someone who can help you be the person you were always meant to be. I love you enough to realize it’s probably not me.”
He pulled me to a stop. I had been so focused trying to recall the speech I’d prepared, trying to convey what was in my heart, that I didn’t realize how far out we’d made it. We were in the middle of the bridge, suspended between two mountains, a deep ravine beneath us. I glanced back the way we came, then towards our destination, wondering which direction to head. Having said what I’d said, perhaps it was time to turn around and go home. There was no point in continuing on.