Page 141 of Holly Jolly July

Leaving Chilliwack behind makes me wonder if I should have left more on the table last night with Ellie. I wasn’t honest with her about my feelings. I came close to telling her how important she is to me, but the way she’d spoken, it all sounded so final. She’d made up her mind about us, about our future, about our friendship. It was all so painfully familiar.

Just like Jess, I’d been Ellie’s curiosity experiment.

But unlike Jess, I’d helped Ellie unlock something important and special about herself that she might not have realized for a long time, if ever. I was never more than a friend to her—a catalyst to her path of self-discovery. And that’s all I’ll ever be. Even though it hurts, I don’t regret what happened. It was a privilege being there with her for the start of her journey. If I had to do it all over again, I would.

I kept my promise to myself. I protected my own heart and didn’t bare my soul to Ellie like I had with Jess. I didn’t risklosing both a friend and a lover at the same time. Instead, I hardly had a lover, and kept a friend who I wished with every fibre of my being was more than that.

As my heart thumps painfully in my chest like it’s filled with sticky black tar, I’m not sure which is better.

I take the long way to work and drive past the bar where Matthew Jackson and I reunited. I sift through the emotions tied to him, but don’t feel anything: no anger, no resentment, nothing. Yes, I was close to catching feelings for the person I thought he was, and itdidsuck being so blatantly lied to... but instead of anything negative, I feel an odd sense of gratitude. If it weren’t for him and his fuckboy ways, Ellie and I never would have found one another in the way we had. We would have remained friendly strangers, two paths crossing on their way to different destinations rather than becoming entwined like we did. In a roundabout way, Ellie and I owe everything to him.

My phone dings with a text from Mom, and I pull my phone out of my purse at a red light to read it.

Morning sunshine! Today still good to get together with you and Ellie? Dad and I would love to see your set if that’s ok. Never seen a movie set before but now we know two famous people!

Since I’m driving, I press the call button and set my phone into my hands-free device.

Mom answers with a confused “Hello?”

“Hey, just driving, thought it would be easier to call.”

“Oh, that’s nice!” She seems overly eager and surprised that I’ve called, which makes me feel guilty, knowing how rare of an occasion this is.

“Yeah, so, I’m not sure if I can let you on set because of security, but if you swing by I can ask the director today. We can go for lunch before I head back into Vancouver.”

I don’t tell her that it might be the last time I see her for a while. Me being a one-hour drive away versus twenty likely won’t make a difference for how often we see each other, but beingable toand simply not doing it feels different than a physical distance keeping us apart. That’s not a good conversation to have on the phone.

“Will Ellie be joining us?” she asks.

“Uh...”

“She’s such a sweet girl. Your dad and I really enjoyed her company.”

“Yeah, she is, but—”

“You know, I fully support your relationship with her. You two make such a lovely couple. You know what they say, opposites attract and all. I could just tell you two had something special when I saw you together. And the way she looked at you, it made my heart smile.”

“Really?”

“Sure! Could see it clear as day how important you two are to each other.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I manage. I don’t think I can sit with my parents and continue to pretend Ellie is my girlfriend. Not after everything that’s happened. Not now that I want it so badly to be true, but it never will be. “I’m not sure if Ellie can join us, but I’ll ask.”

“That would be lovely.”

“Yeah. Okay, I gotta go, just got to work,” I say as I pull up to a space and prepare to parallel park.

“Thanks for calling, Mariah,” she says, pronouncing my name my preferred way again. “We’ll see you later today.”

“Bye.” I let her disconnect the call. I’m still perturbed by the shift in my mom’s personality and one-eighty in support for me and my lifestyle, unsure what the catalyst was for the change, and not entirely trusting her for it. Maybe it’s some sort of manipulation tactic that I haven’t clued in on yet. Why now? And why, of all people, does she approve of Ellie so much? Typicalof my life to finally find someone my parents like and think is right for me, only for our relationship to have been faked, then more real than I could have ever imagined, and then ending so abruptly.

After parking, I get out of my car and walk to downtown Chilliwack for what might be the last time.

I eye the twee touristy downtown strung with garland and lights, the windows frosted, drab white blankets in piles beside the sidewalk. I tilt my head, trying to look at it through Ellie’s eyes, to see the magic sparkle, but I can’t. Maybe I need her with me to do that.

While waiting for the light to change, I look down the street to my favourite bookstore. Well, there’s one thing in Chilliwack that still holds some magic for me. Part of me is sad I might never see that bookstore again, the only place I’ve ever truly felt safe in this whole city.

Now, I suppose, the cabin Ellie stayed in has joined that list too.

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