Page 144 of Holly Jolly July

“May I?” Matt asks, looking past me into the cabin.

I step back and nod, allowing him entrance. While he pokes his head around the space, I grab the broom and dustbin from the pantry cupboard and start sweeping.

He comes back into the living room and, after watching me sweep for a few seconds, holds out his hand for the dustbin. I hand it over, and Matt crouches down to hold it while I sweep up the tree detritus.

“Mariah isn’t here, hey?” he asks after a few moments of silence.

“Nope. She’s at work. We both head back to Vancouver after this.”

“You two headed back together?”

“Why, you going to track us down and plot your revenge?”

“Maybe.” He looks up at me and grins.

I sigh, wishing he’d have let me leave the cabin in peace. “No, we’re not going back together. I’m not sure if we’ll ever see each other again, to be honest. She’s going to LA following a job lead.”

My heart aches just thinking about how close we came to true happiness, and how quickly it was ripped away from us. I finish sweeping the needles and Matt stands, towering over me once more. He discards the needles outside while I do one last check to make sure I have everything before stepping outside and locking the door.

Matt approaches, holding out his hand. I set the key into his palm and his fingers enclose mine, holding me there. I look up into his eyes to see his expression has turned serious, and gulp. My heart beats a little faster, suddenly realizing I’m alone in the woods with a man who has every reason to be angry with me.

“I had another reason for coming here,” he says, his voice low.

“Wh-what’s that?”

His expression softens. “To apologize.”

I grit my teeth; this is the last thing I need right now. “I’m not going to alleviate any guilt you feel about what happened between the three of us, Jax. We both said what we needed to say last night. Now, if you’re truly sorry, then you need to do the work and lead the type of life that reflects it.”

He releases my hand and I push past him, stepping into the morning light.

Matt locks the door behind us and we part ways, gravel crunching beneath our shoes as we walk to our respective vehicles. I grab the handle of my door and stop—there is one thing I need from Matt. This is my only chance to ask. Before I can think on it any further, I turn back to face him. “Wait.”

Matt pauses and looks back at me, one foot inside his little purple truck.

I try not to say what I’m about to say, but I can’t help myself. Something deep down within me needs to know. I take a steadying breath, and then ask, “If you had to choose one of us. Which one?”

My heart thuds in my ears as I watch his face shift, eyes lifting to the sky. After several moments, they meet mine again, apologetic and sheepish.

I purse my lips.Still coming in second.“It’s okay. I’d choose her, too.”

He gives me a half shrug, then climbs into his truck and shuts the door, his elbow jutting out the open window. “Take care of yourself, Ellie.”

I watch as he drives away.

I can’t believe, for a very short period of time, I’d imagined my whole life with him—right down to the picket fence, chicken coop, and gaggle of children running around. And now, watching him drive down the road and out of my life forever, he’s a stranger—a lost soul travelling through space and time, struggling with his basic concept of self. And I feel sorry for him. This big, strong, handsome guy, with a phone full of contacts who don’t really know who he is, with no clue wherehe’s going or why he’s here, with opportunities at his feet and no direction to go—I pity him. Because I know who I am, and I know who I love.

Even if she didn’t choose me in the end.

Our relationship may not have withstood the test of time, it may faded faster than a star shooting across the sky, but it was raw and real and honest.

Pressure forms behind my eyes, a tear threatening to spill over and run down my cheek. I begin to sniffle it back up, to blink it away, to force my breath to even out, and bury everything until I forget about it, but something stops me.

Mariah’s voice echoes in the back of my mind.

It’s okay to be sad.

So I take a deep breath, and... I let myself be.

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