Page 18 of Tenderfoot

But he wouldn’t budge.

All those women pushed those men away.

But they stuck.

Thick. Thin. Kidnappings. Car chases. Explosions. Fights. Misunderstandings.

Those men were glue.

Feeling my eyes begin to water, I listed to the floor, crossing my legs under me and flipped through the book.

That was what I wanted. Not just Sadie’s story. Any of them.

Call me traditional, I did not care one whit.

I wanted my man to pursue me. To look at me and know I was the one. To pull out all the stops to win me to his side.

I wanted him to be protective, possessive, to stay close and strong while I figured out how to fix the damage of being a girl and having a Boy Mom. Of being in a family of overachievers but wanting a simple life and existing among those who just did not get me. And worse, they didn’t want to. They didn’t understand who I was, but they did think who that was was wrong in some way.

Defective.

Broken.

Truth, I didn’t go there with Javi all these months because I wanted him to make the effort.

I wanted him to be my Hot Bunch guy.

He didn’t become that, and now I knew why.

And it hurt so much more.

The tears falling, I clutched that book to my chest.

Then I got up, safe in a zone I knew all too well. Sniffling and wallowing, I put the book away. I carefully replaced my shoe boxes. I closed my closet door. I went to bed, grabbed my phone, curled up on top of the comforter, and through an extreme effort of will, I ignored Javi’s texts and went back to my Sonos system.

Yes, you guessed it, I pulled up the voice of my generation.

And played Taylor’s “the 1.”

I cried through the first time I played it.

And the second.

Also the third.

After that, I turned out the lights, didn’t bother with PJs, or (egad!) taking off the rest of my makeup.

No, I lay just as I was, in the dark, alone, tears spent, yearning for what I’d probably never have.

And I did this until I fell asleep.

THREE

“SHAKE IT OUT”

(FLORENCE + THE MACHINE)

My alarm went at the usual time.

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