Page 111 of Facing the Line

It’s not long before I’m engrossed in the drama. James and Sophia, the couple I’ve been rooting for all season, are perfect for each other. He’s hot but also sweet; she’s sassy but not catty. And the soft glances they share—I mean, I know it’s probably scripted, but these two are selling it. That level of chemistry can’t all be fake.

But I gasp when Sophia choses to mix it up and be paired with Edwin. He’s been a misogynistic jerk this whole time, like Braden. And he’s not as attractive as James. What could she possibly see in him?

She pops up on the screen for her interview, and I lean close. Her aggressively blonde hair swings in a bouncy ponytail, and her tiny black bikini top stretches across her ample chest, ready to snap like a rubber band.

“Here’s the thing, bruv,” she says, chewing gum. “I like James fine. But I’ve been with him since we arrived on the island. What if there’s something better out there? I owe it to myself to shop around.”

Sophia winks at the camera, and my stomach twists. To my horror, my nose burns and tears prick my eyelids. Kendall’s gaze stays trained on me, but I keep mine glued to the laptop.

“It’s too early to have found love, right?” Sophia says, raising her slim shoulders in a disinterested shrug.

The show switches to a shot of James, sitting poolside and staring pensively into the smooth surface of the water. His hands are clasped between his knees, and he looks absolutely gutted.

I’ve seen that expression before. It was on Jonas’s face when I told him I didn’t want to be with him any longer. Oh god, why had I thought watchingLove Islandwould be a good idea? Thesob crawls up my throat, and I can’t stop it. I put my head on my knees and cry.

Kendall shuts the laptop and rubs circles on my back. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“It’s not,” I wail. “Sophia threw away the best thing that’s ever happened to her, and why? Because she thought she might find something better? She’s an idiot! There’s no way there’s anyone better than Jonas.” I choke out another sob. “I mean, James.”

Kendall’s voice stays even. “Do you think maybe this isn’t about the reality show?”

“I’m so scared.” It’s a relief to get the confession off my chest, and I raise my face to see her.

“What are you scared of, boo?” she asks, her eyes shining with kindness and love.

I swallow. “What if I turn into my mom?”

Kendall huffs a laugh. “I think every woman is a little scared of that. But what specifically worries you?”

I try to articulate the emotions battling in my heart. “She has never really been herself. I mean, she throws herself into whatever relationship, whatever guy is there. She doesn’t know who she is.”

“There could be good things about being all in, but I see your point. You want to be your own woman. But I can’t imagine you ever not knowing your mind.”

I blow out a breath. “But… I’m still so young. Hell, I was seventeen when I met Jonas. A senior in high school. Who finds the love of their life at seventeen? What if I make him my whole personality, and I don’t ever explore who I am and what I want?”

“Okay.” She draws the word out so it’s two syllables. “You’re almost twenty now. Is that what’s happened since you’ve known Jonas?”

“Well, no, but?—”

“Because you’re not your mom.” Kendall raises a brow at my silence. “Did you know my parents got married when they were older?”

I blink at the topic change. “Uh, yeah, that’s why you’re adopted, right?”

She nods. “Yep. They both had their careers and met in their forties. When they decided they wanted kids, it was too late for a bio baby. So they got fabulous me.” She tosses her braids, smiles, and continues talking.

“But my mom told me one time—it was difficult to go from being an independent woman to being married. Living with someone, compromising, and thinking of someone else after all those years of making decisions only for her. Loading the dishwasher however she wanted, spending money on things she chose, picking vacations, things like that. She had to learn how to do all that with a partner and give up some of her own wants. Obviously, she loves my dad, and they worked through it. But it made me wonder… what if I got married young and my choices were shaped by the person I loved most in the world?”

“I hadn’t thought of that.” What if I discovered myself while with Jonas? Could I still be me, still become the person I want, while in a relationship?

Kendall hands me a Kleenex and I blow my nose, mulling over her words. “Do you think it’s possible to figure yourself out if you’re with someone else?” I ask her.

She shrugs. “I think that person will probably influence you a little bit, to a degree. So I guess you have to ask yourself—do you want Jonas to have a voice in your life?”

“Yes.” The word pops out before my brain catches up, and I cover my mouth in surprise.

Laughing, Kendall pulls my hands away. “That’s great. I can’t think of anyone better, babe.”

“But what about our year of sexual freedom and exploration?”

---