Page 98 of Facing the Line

After I told Evan about us, I said something to Caleb, too. He gave me a knowing look—maybe we weren’t as sneaky as we thought—and the news spread. But they don’t treat us any differently. It hasn’t changed anything.

And it hasn’t changed the way I feel. Those moments lately where I’ve made Hadley smile light me up inside. She was clear about this being a summer fling, but I don’t want to let her go. I’m totally in love with her.

On the bed, she stiffens and clears her throat. “What are you saying?”

“I want us to keep dating.” I hold my breath, unable to read the guarded expression on her face. “I’ve fallen for you, Hads. I want to be with you all the time. I love you.”

“Jonas,” she whispers, the silence stretching on. It starts to dawn on me if this conversation was going to have a happy ending, she probably would have thrown herself into my arms by now.

“Um,” is all I can manage to get past the lump in my throat.

She shakes her head, blue eyes filling with sadness. “I thought you knew. I made it pretty clear—this isn’t a long-term thing.”

“But—” My voice breaks. “I thought that changed when Hunter was okay with things.”

And when I told you I loved you.

“It was never about Hunter.” It was a little about Hunter, but this isn’t the time to argue. So I nod, and she continues, “It’s about me. I’m not right for you, and I’m not ready for anything serious.”

This I will fight for, though. Indignation surges through my veins, and I sit straighter on her bed. “I think I get to decide what kind of girl I want to be with, thank you very much.”

But she shakes her head. “You can deny it, but you’re meant for marriage and stability, Jonas. You want a family to come home to after a long road trip with the team. A bonfire in the backyard?—”

“Hadley,” I cut her off, frowning. “I’m not sure I want to play professional hockey. I know it’s not as fancy as you’re used to, but nursing is my calling.”

It’s the first time I’ve said the words out loud, and it feels good. Right. Perfect.

I don’t know what reaction I expected from her, but it’s not the tears that spill over her eyelids and track down her face.

“More proof.” She shakes her head, mournful.

“Of what?”

“That we’re not compatible. I’m not ready to settle down.”

“Who said anything about that, Hadley?” I keep my voice even, but panic fizzes in my chest. “You keep mentioning it, but I just want to keep seeing you.”

“But you’d want to be exclusive, wouldn’t you? With someone you love?”

She throws my confession back at me like an arrow. Aimed at my heart, she hits her mark.

I stand and gaze at her. Messy hair, red-rimmed eyes, smudged mascara. I want her more than I ever thought possible, but I won’t lie about my feelings to keep a piece of her. It would chip away at my soul until there’s nothing left. Like I knew I wasn’t a one-night-stand type of guy, I know I need monogamy. I needed it this summer, and I’d need it forever.

I inhale. “Yes, I’d want that.”

“And I’m still figuring out who I am. I need to date more, have more experiences, not be defined by my relationships or the guys I’m with.” She shrugs, and my chest cracks open. “We’re in different places, we want different things.”

That must be true, because I want her, but she doesn’t want me.

“Okay.” I clear my throat, trying to make my voice sound normal. “I guess you’re right. Sorry I said anything.” Under my breath so she can’t hear, I whisper, “Sorry I loved you exactly as you are.”

She thinks she needs to figure out who she is, but I already know. And I love everything about her, even her flaws. I can’t tell her that, though.

My heart is breaking in two. I need to get out of here before I lose it. I take two steps towards the door.

“Wait.”

I halt at Hadley’s voice and turn back to face her. Can she read the anguish on my face?

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