Page 39 of Double Apex

His lips on the nape of my neck send shivers across my skin. “I wish I could have known you then, as a child.”

“I’d have just told you, ‘Buzz off, little towheaded fucker.’”

“You still do,” he teases.

I close my eyes and laze into the strange-yet-familiar feeling of Cosmin kissing my tattoo. Thinking about working on engines with my dad, the pain returns, a jab that sinks in deep.

“Mo’s dying, Cos.”

I can’t believe I’ve said it in plain words—a statement, not a question—let alone to the Randy Rookie.

His arms tighten around me. “I’m so sorry. He’s a good man.”

“Did you know?”

“When we were on Santorini, I determined he was ill. This morning on the bus, I understood the extent of it.” He rubs his lips feather-light against my neck.

This morning on the busseems like a million years ago. I glance at the paper cut on my finger, as if it might be healed, proving the time between before-Cosmin and now-Cosmin must be longer.

Eerily, he says exactly what I’m thinking.

“Only a few hours have passed.” He draws my hand back and kisses the paper cut. “But, like the old song:What a difference a day makes, no?”

Another wave of fear dashes over me. Did I really let Cosmin Ardelean in, or was he always here?

I turn over to face him. I wonder if he assumes my frown owes entirely to sorrow over my father’s illness, or if he can read me so well that he knows I’m freaked out about the sex.

I rush in with words before he can see too much.

“Do you believe in an afterlife?”

His gaze angles away. “I cannot say I havebelief, but I have hope. Not only because the thought of seeing my parents again is pleasing, but… I would like to think my uncle is in Hell.”

Cosmin is so unguarded right now that a shimmer of tenderness sneaks up on me despite my efforts to repress it.

“He hurt you?” I venture.

“He hurt my sister far more. That I will not forgive.” He pulls me close, as if afraid to make eye contact. “I did not know the extent of it until after my uncle died—Viorica kept the worst from me.”

My hand is on Cosmin’s waist, my thumb sliding along a ridge of muscle, and I can’t believe how natural it feels to be with him like this. The vibration of his low voice, where my ear rests against his chest, seems as much a part of me as my own heartbeat.

He combs his fingers through my hair. “She’s a better sister than I deserve. A truly excellent person.”

I think of Aislinn and am envious of Cosmin’s admiration for Viorica. Aislinn and I have never been close. I was gone for most of every year when she was little, and either harassed or ignored her when Iwasaround. As adults we have nothing in common.

Remembering that Cosmin’s bond with his sister owes much to having been raised by an abuser, I feel guilty for my envy. My childhood was overall a joy. The image of my father’s smile comes to me, the sound of him sayingOh, my chickadeein his quiet drawl…

He’s leaving me. I’m going to be alone.

How will I do this without him?

I can’t be dating one of the drivers if I head the team. If my father passes the mantle to me, faultless professionalism is expected. He trusts me. I could never risk destroying his legacy.

And if Klaus buys Emerald? The indulgent “uncle” of just a few weeks ago might have gently reprimanded me or even turned a blind eye to a little mischief—especially if he’s breaking the rules by dating a journalist—but Team Principal/full owner Klaus Franke would likely fire my ass. Part of mealready has a paranoid suspicion his recent emotional distance could be seeding the ground to force me out.

I peek at Cosmin—his eyes closed, relaxed—and anxiety over what I’ve done sweeps in on a wave of post-orgasmic clarity.

Oh God. How do I undo this disaster?

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