Page 13 of Lifebound

“Nilah, look at me.”

I stopped. I looked at her.

She might have only been fourteen years old, but she had a lot of authority—especially when she used what I called hergrown-up voice.

“I don’t mean the crack—I meanthis.” And she showed me the screen of my laptop again.

The actual page I’d left open last night when I came back. The website of a college I’d been looking into for a few weeks—or even months now.

My heart fell all the way to my heels. I strode over to where she sat on the bed, took the laptop from her hands and closed it.

“It’s nothing,” I said and sat on the bed next to her to catch my breath—all the while pretending that I was just brushing my hair.

“Are you thinking about moving away and going to college, Nil?”

Warmth—a different kind from that morning—came over me from my very center.

“It’s fine if you are—just tell me, okay? I need to know.”

I turned to her, put down the brush, and grabbed her hands in mine.

“I…”

Fuck, I had no idea what to even say. Ihadbeen looking at colleges because even if I had yet to admit it to myself, I was planning on moving away. I was planning to leave Dad and Fiona to live here in peace.

The original plan had always been to take the year off after high school to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Both me and Betty, and I still planned to do just that, except…away from here.

Let’s face it—it would be much better for my family if I left. The people weren’t going to hate them anymore. They weren’t going to pick fights and bully Fi—they’d just…forget. Everything would go back to normal for them. They could enjoy their lives without feeling fear or guilt or any kind of bad way.

Without me.

I sighed, smoothed her golden-brown hair behind her ears. She was so incredibly beautiful my heart ached to look at her sometimes. She reminded me of Mom even more than the pictures, even though she had Dad’s brown eyes and full lips.

Her smile, though. The way her cheeks rounded and her eyes crinkled—exactly like Mom’s.

Meanwhile, I had inherited the blue of her eyes and her light blonde hair, but even so, I didn’t think I looked anything like her. Far too pale.

“I don’t know, Fi,” I ended up saying because lying did become exhausting eventually, believe it or not. “I honestly don’t know yet.”

Fiona thought about it for a moment, looking down at the floor, then said, “You’re miserable.”

I laughed—it was that unexpected. “Thanks, little sis.”

“I’m not joking, Nilah,” she said, and she went beyond her grown-up voice when she continued. “If I were you, I would leave Lavender Hill. I’d go to college or anywhere else. Dad can cook and clean, and I can help him. We will be fine without you—you should go.”

Her eyes were wide and hopeful and so full of love it was like she’d stabbed me right in the gut.

Because she was right on all counts, starting with my being miserable. I knew it well, but I still couldn’t imagine being out there in the world all by myself, the crazy girl in a place where I had nobody else with me to give me comfort, to remind me that Mom believed me even when I didn’t believe myself.

Yeah, maybe I was just a coward and that was the reason I hadn’t made a move yet, made an actual plan.

“Look, things might get…bumpy today, Fi,” I said because of course I’d change the subject instead of talking about this. Instead of facing my own self.

“What? What do you meanbumpy?” she asked, squinting her eyes in suspicion, which also made her look so much like Mom.

“Nothing. Just in school, there might be talk about…stuff.”

Fuck.

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