Page 20 of Lifebound

“You have?” BecauseIdidn’t.

Betty nodded, eyes on the sky. “I want you to come to L.A. with me, Nil.”

“I’m actually going to New York.” Not for any apparent reason, but because it was New York City and there was work for everyone and I could find opportunities there that I wouldn’t anywhere else. I had my own college tuition money that Mom had left for both me and Fi when we were born—her dad had been an alcoholic, abusive bastard, but he’d had a few properties to his name. When he died, Mom sold everything and created separate funds for all of us, which was basically how we’d been able to survive and live as comfortably as we did. She took care of us when she was alive, then made sure we were taken care of after her death, too.

God, I missed her so much it was painful.

I planned to leave Dad money from my own account to pay for the mess I’d caused, and I was going to use as little as possible to start my new life away. The plan was to settle in New York City, work for a year anywhere I could, and search for a career path that I liked so that then I could go to college and get a degree myself.

This part Dad would like, I thought. This part Mom would have liked very much, too.

ThoughIdidn’t. Not if I had to leave home behind.

“But I want you to consider L.A. next,” Betty said. “Go to the Big Apple. Give it a couple months. And if you don’t like it, you move in with me in L.A. come September. How’s that sound?”

I didn’t even need to think about it.

“That sounds like a pretty good plan,” I admitted, especially since I wouldn’t be alone if I was with Betty. And I couldn’t hurt Betty in a place where nobody knew who I was, and nobody in the streets would ever call mecuckooagain.

I vowed right then and there to the stars that I could only see for a moment before a cloud hid them away, that I wasnevergoing to tell anybody what had happened in that meadow or what I could do when I was alone in my room. No matter if it was real or not, I wasnevergoing to tell another soul.

That way nobody was ever going to make fun of me again or ruin the lives of those I cared about.

“Then it’s a deal,” Betty said.

This time, when we touched our cans, we took a good long sip.

* * *

I didn’t goto school the next day.

Pieces of my memory of that morning are still missing to this day because I had never felt more uncomfortable and overwhelmed and sad and guilty—and probably every bad feeling that exists. Because I went downstairs and I made pancakes, and I couldn’t even tell you how they tasted, if I forgot to add something, which I probably did. But I ate with Fi and Dad, and when we were done, I told them that I’d decided to leave. That I was going to pay for all the damage I’d done, and I was going to fly from Portland to New York that very night. My flight left at one in the morning, and I’d already booked the ticket.

I’d also booked a room at a nice motel until I found a permanent place and a job. Yes, I’d been up all night. I had lists and I had maps—all of these things I’d been gathering for months without ever admitting to myself why.Just to have them,I would say any time I saved videos on how to get your first job, or how to manage time when you needed to, or how to choose a safe neighborhood, or how to pick ideal roommates—how toeverything.

Just in case I ever need them.

Now I had a good list of places to start, and yes, it was scary as fuck and I could barely breathe at the thought of being in a completely new place all by myself with only my own thoughts to keep me company, but I would be okay, I said.

As long as I had their blessing.

I wasn’t really sure what happened after, just that Fi didn’t cry. It was worse because I knew she would be crying when she was alone, and Dad got even paler than he had been the night before when that man waved that gun in front of his face. He said something along the lines ofyou’re old enough to make that decision now,andI can’t stop you,andyou should take more time to think about it.

I appreciated him saying that. I really did.

I just wished he had actually meant it.

Either way, he left when Fi did for school, and he didn’t tell me where he went. He didn’t come home the whole day, though. And I was all alone to pack. To cry. To get myself under control.

Still, an hour before Fiona came back, I realized I still needed to gather courage before I could face her again, so I went to the only place that still felt like home in this town—the cemetery.

There, I sat in front of my mom’s grave, and I didn’t move for a long time.

six

It wasin the way the air changed. It suddenly weighed more over my shoulders and pressed harder against my skin.

I raised my head, my mind clean of thoughts right away. The hair on the back of my neck had rose to attention, too, even though my eyes were telling me that there was nobody there.

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