Page 31 of A Novel Love Story

The ones of Liam’s wedding.

He wore the same tux that I’d picked out with him three years ago, though the pocket square now matched the new bride’s bridesmaids—a lovely lavender. The wedding was in an old red barn in the middle of a farm, hay bales stacked to the ceiling. There wasn’t an antler chandelier, but there was a DJ, and there was dancing, and the cake was red velvet, and Liam looked at his now wife like he used to look at me and—

I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted to get lost. I wanted to burrow myself somewhere out in the woods with my favorite books and a bottle of wine, and never see anyone ever again. Never have the opportunity to meet someone new. Never give my heart the chance to fall again.

Because if it hurt this much to let go?

I never wanted to fall in love again.

I didn’t tell Pru about the wedding photos. She was on cloud nine, and I didn’t need to mess that up with my terrible life choices, so I made the decision to pack up Sweetpea and road-trip to the cabin alone, because I couldn’t stay in my tiny apartment, surrounded by books and work and everything that told me that I’d put my life on pause because it felt better than risking heartbreak again.

I couldn’t do it again.

In my head, I’d be in a different story, sharing shitty wine and good books, lighting vigil candles and singingFleetwood Macat the full moon in Rachel Flowers’s honor with my best friends.

It was a good dream.

Too bad Pru caught me the day I’d packed up Sweetpea to leave. She saw the duffel bag and box of wine in the hatchback, shook her head, and said, “You aren’t seriously thinking about going alone, are you?”

“Sure, why not? It’ll be fun,” I replied, pulling on a smile that I hoped didn’t look too fake.I was already dreading the sixteen-hour drive up the Northeast alone. “Your flight’s tomorrow, right? Remember to take Dramamine before—”

“Stop deflecting,” she interrupted, and curled her hands into fists. “You’re seriously going alone? No one’s going to be there, Elsy.”

“I’ll be there.” I carried my box of books and set them in the trunk, probably with more force than necessary. “Besides, I’d rather betherethan here.”

The realization dawned. “This is because of that asshole’s wedding, isn’t it? You’re just running away.”

I winced. So shehadseen the photos. “I’m taking my vacation.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sure you are, Elsy.”

“Really! It’s not because …” Because they had the wedding I would’ve had. Because they looked so happy. I curled my hands into fists. “It’s not.”

But Prudence could see right through me. “You haven’t dated since he left you—threeyearsago! It’s like you just put yourself on ice and you don’t even want totryanymore.”

I turned back to her. “This isn’t about cabin week anymore, is it?”

“No! It’s not! It’s about everything! You think I can’t tell when my best friend is hurting? I’ve been waiting for you to—I don’t know—just confide in me! Ever since Liam left! I just thought you needed time. But instead you just … stopped. And I’ve missed my best friend.”

I threw up my hands. “What do you want me to say, Pru?”

“Just tell people what youwant!”

It didn’t matter what I wanted, anyway, so I just marched to the driver’s seat and cranked up my antique Pinto, and left.

What Iwantedwas for us to do these things together. All the things. Engagements. Weddings. Kids—well, maybe not kids.

I wanted us to grow together.

And now I was too scared to try.

But I couldn’t say that, because that would be admitting that maybe a little part of mewasstill hung up over Liam, who clearly no longer even thought about me. Maybe I did still creep on his and his new wife’s Facebook sometimes, wondering why it couldn’t be me, but those secrets were between me and my internet history.

Pru just didn’t understand.

Iknewwhat I wanted. I knew what I didn’t.

I knew I never wanted to feel like I had the day I found out Liam was engaged not even a year after we’d split. I still had my wedding dress in my closet. The guest list was still saved on my phone. I never wanted to fall asleep crying on my couch, wondering why he didn’t want that life withme. What was so wrong withme?

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