Page 15 of Skating to Him

“But you wanted to offer your services?” With a giggle, he covered his mouth with his fingers. “Oh my God, Rowan. Do you like this guy?”

Furrowing my brows, I shrugged my shoulders. “Naw, notlike that. I like him, yeah. He’s a decent guy. He’s a wicked good hockey player. Maybe the best D-man in college.” I thought a moment. What was it about him that was so appealing? “He’s got a rocking hot body, and he’s handsome as fuck. But he’s not arrogant, you know? He’s down to earth.” I’d said a mouthful. All this shit was just flooding out of my damn head.

He stared at me, gaping. “Are you attracted to him?”

Attracted?“Like in what way?” My gut tightened as my heart flip-flopped. I knew what he was asking. I didn’t want to admit the truth because, yeah, I was fucking attracted to Tyler. “Can a guy be attracted to a guy and still be straight?”

He tapped his index finger to his lips. “You know, sexuality is fluid and complex. If there are various degrees of being queer, there’s got to be various degrees of being straight, right?”

I nodded and swallowed hard. But liking a guy would make me queer. Period. Straight guys don’t want to…I bit my lower lip. Kiss another guy goodnight? Wait a minute. Narrowing my eyes, I said, “I know what you’re doing, Teddy. You’re trying to soften the blow. I’m bisexual, huh?”

“I didn’t say that.” A broad smile quirked his lips. “Only you know what’s going on inside you.” He cocked his head. “What if you didn’t have to label it, then what would you say?”

“I’m attracted to a dude. A really hot fucker who I admire in my sport and who’s now my partner on the ice. I even wanted to kiss him goodnight tonight.” Holy fuck, I’d said it aloud. I swallowed even harder, and my nerves frayed. How could I ever look at Tyler again? Wouldn’t it show?

“You wanted to kiss him?” His grin grew wider. “Rowan, I’m so proud of you.” He squealed.

“What? Why?” I wrinkled my forehead. He didn’t understand. “This is a mess. I have to share a hotel room with him this weekend.” Holy fuck. What if I got a boner? What if he did? Slumping my shoulders, I rubbed my forehead. “Oh my God.”

“Hey, Rowan, settle down. It’s not like you need to treat himany differently. He might not even like you back.” His gaze darted across the screen.

My chest pinched. Shit. “That’s not helpful, Teddy. Why wouldn’t he like me back? He’s gay.”

“Gay guys have types too. You might not be his type. That’s all I’m saying.” He worried his lower lip. “Did he give you any indication that maybe he’s into you?”

I thought back over all our times together. It wasn’t until Coach made us partners that things started to click. “He said he likes my freckles.” I touched my nose. Fuck, that was a stupid thing to remember.

With a sharp laugh, Teddy said, “I told you they were cute.” He twisted his lips. “When he was drunk at the bar, did he make any moves on you?”

“I…think he was checking me out. Like, I kept finding him looking at me.” I inhaled deeply as my body flopped between butterflies in my stomach to my chest clenching. If Tyler was into me, did I want to start something with him? I’d never wanted a guy before. Why the hell now?

“That’s a good sign.” His face grew slack. “Rowan, your face is turning white. Are you okay?”

“No, no, I’m not okay. I’m hella confused here. Even if I’m attracted to him and even if he likes me, I don’t know if I want to switch sides, you know?” Jesus fuck, I should call the girl I hooked up with and set myself straight. What the hell was her name again?

“Settle down. Why don’t you give yourself some space and time to process all of this? You don’t have to take action on any of it. Just sit with your feelings.”

“Yeah, I have a few days to process this.” I sank my teeth into my lower lip. Hopefully, I’d snap out of it by this weekend and things would return to normal. And I wouldn’t be checking out his junk in the hotel room.Fuck!My attention was drawn to the phone and the worried look on my friend’s face. “I know we’vetalked about this before, but tell me again how you knew, like really knew, you liked guys.”

A soft smile crept over his lips. “I’ve always been attracted to men and pretty much always knew it. I don’t think what I went through is the same. We all have different paths.”

“Oh, come on, Teddy. Tell me something helpful here.” I scoffed and scrubbed my face. There had to be a way to find out for sure. Porn? “What about porn?”

“What about it? When you watch it, do you focus on the guy or the girl?” He lifted the edge of his mouth.

“Uh, both, I guess.” Shit, bisexual? “I mean, part of it is watching the guy’s reaction to what the girl’s doing to him and putting myself in his place, right?” Or was I just interested in seeing a guy get off? Holy fuck. My eyes grew wide.

Peering at me, he said, “Have you ever watched a video of a guy jerking off?”

My jaw dropped open. “No, why would I do that?” There were videos like that? What was I thinking? Of course, there were.

With a chuckle, he said, “Start there. I’d tell you to go watch some straight-up gay porn, but I don’t want to shock you right off the bat.” His smile waned. “See if it does anything, then maybe you’ll know for sure.”

“Yeah, right.” Jesus, was I going to watch some dude bust a nut after this call? Yes, yes, I was. I had to get to the bottom of these feelings.

He looked off-screen and then came back. “Hey, I need to get going. It’s getting late here.” He held the phone closer to him. “Listen, let things happen naturally with this guy if they’re going to happen, and don’t put a label on yourself. Just go with it, okay?”

“Yeah, right.” As my chest grew tight, I said, “Thanks, Teddy. I wish you were here right now.” He’d been my rock back home, especially when I was worried about Mom.

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