Page 117 of Tell Me What You Want, Or Leave Me

It’s been two minutes and thirty-seven seconds...thirty-eight...thirty-nine.

I try to sing. That always relaxes me, and our song is the first thing that comes to mind.

I stop singing to myself and look at my watch. Five minutes. I have to look at the results, but I don’t have the courage!

I can’t open the cap.

I light another cigarette, even at the risk of getting dizzy. I need it.

My neck itches.

I can’t even sing anymore.

I bring my legs down off the sink.

I grab the package again and reread it for the umpteenth time. If it’s two lines, it’s positive, and if it’s only one, negative.

I want a negative as big as a truck. Please, please...

I extinguish the cigarette and try to drum up my courage. I pick up the test and, without thinking about it one more second, look.

“Two lines,” I whisper.

I drop the test and pick up the package again. It’s right there: two lines, positive. One, negative.

I’m so dizzy...

I reread it. Two lines, positive. One, negative.

I lie on the bathroom floor and mutter with my eyes closed. “It can’t be; it can’t be...”

I decide to repeat the test when I remember there’s a 1 percent chance of an error. If the contraceptive failed, why can’t the pregnancy test fail as well?

I carry out the same operation as before. Again I hope and pray, this time without a cigarette. Five minutes later, I check again.

“Nooooooo.”

I do a third test. A fourth. The result is the same: positive.

My heart is going a thousand beats a minute. I’m going to have a heart attack, and, when Eric comes back, I’ll be stiffer than a piece of tuna jerky on the bathroom floor.

I think about the margin of error on these tests. But it seems that after four of them, there’s little room for doubt.

I’m getting dizzy again...

Everything’s spinning...

I lie on the floor and put my feet up on the sink again.

“Why? Why does this have to happen to me?”

Suddenly, my cell rings. I take it out of my jeans pocket and see it’s Eric. The baby’s father!

Ugh...my nerves.

I’m so warm and I fan myself with my hand.

I don’t want him to think I sound strange so, after six rings, I greet him as cheerfully as I can.

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