Page 13 of Now and Forever

I’ll kill him!

My heart pounds like crazy, and if I keep breathing like this, I’m going to hyperventilate. I walk to the restroom and splash water on the back of my neck. My rash is back. I need to get out of here or I’ll reenact the Texas chainsaw massacre, but in Jerez.

After I leave the restroom, I get rid of David by telling him I’m taking my break and I’ll see him the following night. I get in my car and scream in frustration. Why am I so damned stupid? Why do I tell Eric to do things that are going to hurt me? Why can’t I be as cold as he is?

I’m such an idiot.

I turn on my phone and mindlessly begin to hum along with the radio.

I’m about to dial Eric’s phone number, when I stop myself. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?

I turn off my cell.

I’m not going to call him.

I’m so angry, I take the key out of the ignition, get out of the car, and go back to the pub. I’m single, without commitments, and in charge of my own life. I look for David, find him, and kiss him. He responds immediately.

Guys are so easy.

We kiss for several minutes. Then I happen to notice the door opening and the blonde who left with Eric coming back in.

Surprised to see her, I follow her with my eyes. She goes to the bar, asks for a drink from my coworker, and then returns to her group of friends. In that instant, my cell beeps. A text from Eric:Flirting is as easy as breathing. Don’t do anything you’ll regret.

Without knowing why, I let out a laugh and curse. Damn him and his games. David looks at me. I tell him I have to keep working and return to my post.

I get back to my father’s house at half past six in the morning. It’s now Monday, December 24. Everyone’s asleep. I rummage in the trash bin and find the note that came with the roses:Honey, I’m a jerk. But a jerk who loves you and wants you to forgive him. Eric.

5

My sister and father have started prepping Christmas Eve dinner later in the morning while my brother-in-law engages in a PlayStation duel with my niece. After some coffee, I sit down next to my brother-in-law and, ten minutes later, end up playingMario Brotherswith them. My cell rings. Eric again. I immediately turn it off.

At seven o’clock in the evening, I glance in the mirror as I get into the shower. I look good, but I’m shattered inside. I turn on my cell and see twelve missed calls from Eric. There’s a text from David:I’ll come by for you at midnight. Be beautiful.

That,be beautiful, makes me smile. But it’s a sad smile. Weary. I lean on the sink. What’s wrong with me?

Why can’t I get Eric out of my head?

Why do I say one thing when I want another?

The answer to all of those whys is obvious. I’m madly in love with Eric, and, as Fernando says, if I don’t put my pride aside, I’m going to regret it. But I can’t. I can’t put my pride aside. I’m sick of all this foolishness, and I want my life back.

Frustrated, I decide to go get something in my room before I take my shower. Once back in the bathroom, I lock the door and put on my Aerosmith CD so I can listen to “Crazy.” I raise the volume and turn on the shower. I close my eyes and begin to move to the beat of the music, and, finally, I sit on the edge of the tub with my vibrator.

I want to fantasize.

I need to.

I keep my eyes closed while the music plays and echoes in the bathroom.

I open my legs and let my imagination fly. I invoke Eric behind me, whispering in my ear so I’ll part my legs for other men. The very idea turns me on.

My thighs separate, and, using my fingers, I open myself to show and offer what Eric, my brooding and tempting master, is asking of me.

Without hesitation, I run my fingers over my wet offering. I turn on the vibrator and bring it to my clitoris. The result is fantastic, fiery, and fabulous. An explosion of bliss consumes my body, and, when I’m about to close my legs, I imagine Eric’s voice telling me not to. I obey and breathe. Such passion.

With my eyes closed, and lying down with my legs open, I once more place the vibrator at the very center of my desire while Eric’s voice whispers to me, telling me to play and have a good time.

My body is burning and moves excitedly; I bite my lips so I won’t scream. Eric is here. Encouraging me. Telling me to come. I’m breathing so hard.

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