Page 146 of Now and Forever

I smile sadly. I’m incapable of explaining yet again the absurd story of why I’m leaving. Finally, I wipe the tears from his eyes.

“Flyn, you’ve always shown me you’re a little man, just as strong as your uncle. Now you have to be that again, OK?” The kid nods, and I go on. “Take good care of Calamar. Remember he’s your superfriend and superpet, and give Susto some love too, all right?”

“I promise.”

His glassy eyes make my heart sink, and I give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Listen, darling. I promise I’ll come and see you in a while, OK? I’ll call Sonia, and she’ll help us see each other. Would you like that?”

The boy nods. He raises his thumb. I raise mine. We put them together and give each other a high five. I hug him; I kiss him; and with an aching heart, I leave the room.

I can’t breathe. I raise my hand to my chest so I can finally inhale. Why does it all have to be so sad? When I go to my bedroom, I open the closet. I look at all the precious things Eric bought me, and, after thinking about it, I decide to take only what I brought from Madrid. When I pick up my black boots, I see a bag, open it, and smile sadly when I notice my naughty-policewoman costume. For one reason or another, I never wore it with Eric. I stick it in one of the boxes, along with my jeans and my T-shirts. Then I go to the bathroom and pick up my makeup and creams. Nothing else is mine.

I open a drawer on the nightstand and see our sex toys. I touch the butt plug with the green stone. The vibrators. The pasties. I don’t want any of it; it’ll just remind me of him. I close the drawer. My eyes fill with tears again when I see the lamp Eric bought months before at the flea market in Madrid. He bought two of them. Finally, I decide to take it. It’s mine.

I turn around, and Eric is watching me from the door. He’s impressive in his low-waisted jeans and black T-shirt. He looks a little gaunt. Worried. But I imagine I look the same way. I don’t know how long he’s been here, but I know his gaze is cold and impersonal. It’s how he looks at the world when he doesn’t want to show what he’s feeling. I don’t want to argue. I don’t have it in me.

“These lamps don’t fit in with your bedroom’s decor. If you don’t mind, I’ll take mine.”

He nods. He walks into the room and touches the matching lamp on his nightstand.

“Take it. It’s yours.”

I bite my lip and put the lamp in a box.

“That’s what’s always drawn me to you, that you’re totally different from everything around me.”

I don’t respond. I can’t.

“Judith, I’m sorry everything’s ending this way,” he says in a calmer tone.

“I’m sorrier, I assure you,” I reproach him.

He’s pacing around the room as if nervous.

“Can we talk for a moment like adults?” he finally asks.

I swallow the knot of emotions in my throat and nod.

We’re each on opposite sides of the bed. Our bed. Where we loved, desired, and kissed each other.

“Listen, Judith, I don’t want you to be unemployed because of me. I’ve spoken to Gerardo, the chief of staff at the Müller branch in Madrid, and you’re going to have the same position you had when we met. Since I don’t know when you’ll want to return to work, I told him you’d get in touch with him within a month to get your spot back.”

I shake my head no. I don’t want to work at his company again.

“Judith, be reasonable. You’ll need a job, and with the unemployment crisis in Spain, it’ll be hard for you to get a decent one. There’s a new boss in that department, and I know you’ll have no problems with him. As far as I’m concerned, don’t worry. You won’t have to see me. I know you’re sick of me.”

Those last words hurt. I know he says them because of what I yelled at him the other night, but I don’t say anything. I suppose he’s right. Being able to rely on a job today is beyond the reach of many people, and I can’t reject the offer. I finally agree.

“All right. I’ll talk to Gerardo.”

Eric nods.

“I hope you get your life back, Judith, because I’m getting mine back. Like you said when you kissed Björn, I’m no longer the owner of your lips, and you’re not the owner of mine.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

With his eyes fixed on me, he says, “Now you can kiss whomever you like.”

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