Page 65 of His Hell Girl

"But do you know what they all have in common? For every single scar, no matter how tiny, the inner pain was the same. For every single time my body yelped in pain, my soul wept for mercy. Do you know how many times I wished for death? Howmany times I’d wished I could just stop the pain for once and for all?"

My entire body is trembling at this point, my breath coming in painful spurts. "Because hurting here," I bring my fist against my chest, "makes every other type of pain pale in comparison."

"You have no idea how blessed you are that you cannot feel that pain, because that's the real hell."

He keeps staring at me, his eyes drinking me in like he's seeing me for the first time.

"And because of that, I promised myself I wouldneverbeg anyone for love or attention. You were right about me being unwanted," I say, and I note the way his jaw clenches, his fists gripped so tightly his knuckles are a stark white.

"But I swore to myself that I'dnevergo back to someone who would easily throw me away. It was the only way I could make peace with the hand I was dealt."

I bring my arms around my body, rubbing my skin, the air suddenly chilly.

"And that's why, Vlad, I don't know how to forgive you," I whisper, more tears falling down my cheeks. "Because forgiving you would mean betraying myself. And I don't know if I can live with that."

He blinks, his eyes unfocused. Slowly, he rises from the bed, coming toward me until we're face to face.

Still holding eye contact, he does something that completely floors me.

He drops to his knees.

Head bent low, he drops to his knees in front of me, his hands clenched by his side, his entire body quivering with unreleased tension.

This proud man is on his knees before me.

Eyes wide, I watch him do something I would have never associated with Vlad—he's bowing down at me.

Submission.

The mere fact that he's on his knees in front of me, a most humbling experience, tells me heisserious about this.

"Sisi," he starts, his voice grim yet laced with anguish, "I know I have no right," he breathes deeply, "but I ambeggingfor your forgiveness," he whispers, his body wound tightly as if in physical pain.

"Vlad…" I shake my head, unable to believe what I'm seeing. "What… Why…?"

"I screwed up. But please believe me that Inevermeant what I said to you. I knew it was the only thing that would drive you away from me, and seeing what I'd done to you, I needed you as far away from me as possible."

"Vlad." I reach out, my hand palming his cheek as I turn his gaze toward me. "Does it really matter if you meant it or not?" I ask the question, not expecting an answer. "I told you my time there shaped my fears and dreams. My greatest dream has always been to find someone to love me above all. And I know that can't be you," I tell him gently, hoping he will understand why I can't give in to him.

Even if I forgive him for what happened, it doesn't erase the fact that he's not capable of the one thing I want the most.

His eyes look glossy as he raises them to meet mine, his mouth parted as if he can't quite believe what I've said.

"I want something that you're not capable of giving me," I whisper, my hand moving over his face in a light caress.

"What if I could?" he asks, catching my hand with his and bringing it to his lips.

I blink the tears away at his question, the pain in my chest expanding.

"You know you can't," I reply slowly, my own hope dying the moment I acknowledge it out loud.

"Sisi," he moves toward me on his knees, bringing his body in direct contact with mine, "I think I do love you," he says, and my heart skips at the sound of it.

But then I realize he's just trying to placate me. And it hurts even more.

"Please don't lie to me," I whimper.

"I'm not lying." He takes my hands into his before placing them on his chest. "Please listen to me," he says brokenly, and even though I continue to shake my head in disbelief, I cannotnotlisten.

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