Page 126 of Between Wrath and Mercy

I began to pace again, thinking about how Dewalt could help if I could only get him in here. She said a seer had foretold this, and it was the only way. Why would she lie? Believing her would kill her and not believing her would allow her to live. What could she have gained by lying to me? It made no sense. I wanted to know who this seer was. Who could possibly have predicted an outcome where I had to kill someone? I watched the woman, continuing to listen in, her heart a sure and steady thump, and her eyes flashed to me for just a moment, just brief enough I could have imagined it. And in that glance was trust, acceptance, and perhaps determination. I squared my shoulders and walked back to her. I wanted to trust myself on this, but trusting myself meant trusting her. Trusting her meant killing her. I took a deep breath and put my hand back on her neck, knowing the decision I made was hard-won. A glimmer of a tear was the only sign of emotion she wore, and she blinked it away.

“Tell her I'm sorry I wasn't better."

My nod was imperceptible. Though I couldn't ask aloud who she meant, I'd do my best to get her message across.

"May the gods fight for you and goddesses protect you.”

I bit down on my lip, hard. She looked at me with a storm in those grey eyes, urging me forward, pushing me down the path which led to her demise. Courage, that’s what the storm was. Bravery in the face of fear. She closed her eyes, and I focused, slowing her heart, each beat a nail driven into her coffin. Eventually, it fell quiet, and she slumped forward. I nearly let out a sob, but I stayed there, frozen, making sure to appear as if I was focusing hard. Thankfully, the screwed-up expression I was surely making could be interpreted as concentration rather than loss. I kept one hand on her neck, and the other grasped hers. I didn't move, didn't use my divinity. I trusted this woman. I trusted the voice that hadn’t faltered.

“May your divine slumber be peaceful, and your heart be full.” My words were a whisper, a final comfort to a woman who had sacrificed for reasons I could not know. I felt the tears slip down my face before turning to Filenti and unstopping my emotions.

“I told you I’ve never done this!” I cupped my face in my hands, feeling the rage and grief race through me. “Her blood is on your hands, and now I have to live with it. I have to live with the knowledge that a woman is dead because you were curious.” Filenti didn’t seem bothered as he glanced at the woman, but his lips had turned down into a frown.

“I had high hopes you’d be successful.”

“You weren't the only one. Am I done here? Did I pass your test?” I struggled to maintain my composure and keep the earlier bite in my words.

“Yes, yes. You may go.”

I rushed out, found Dewalt, and nearly sprinted out of the building. By the time I got to Bree, I was shocked my legs weren’t in more pain than they were, the stress of running and walking throughout the temple getting to them. Dewalt watched me in silence, helping me climb onto my horse and trying to help me arrange my skirts, looking at me in trepidation. I wasn’t ready to explain it to him, not yet anyway. Hell, I wasn’t ready to try to figure it out in my own mind, let alone tell him what happened. Bree shook and huffed, already disagreeing with the way I’d mounted her, and I nearly screamed in frustration.

“To hell with side-saddle.” I slid my leg over to sit astride her and wore the mare out in a gallop the entire way home, Dewalt keeping pace behind me. I took us up the long lane of the estate, realizing this was the first chance I'd had to take it in. It was beautiful. The outside was all grey stone and dark brown oak. The large windows made it appear welcoming, the covered front porch with a small sitting area a comforting and relaxing sight, made even better when I saw who sat there. I couldn’t have been more relieved to see Rain before me, his absence over the last few days palpable, and I needed him for this. He saw me storming up the drive and jumped to his feet, coming down the steps. He was radiant in a crisp white shirt, unbuttoned to the middle of his chest and his sleeves rolled up. He pulled a hand across his jaw, freshly shaved, and he seemed to shake out the stiffness in his body, shoving his hands into his pockets by the time I thundered to a stop.

“What is it now?” He sounded tired, so very tired, as he helped me down from Bree.

“We need to talk.” I dragged him from the house as Dewalt tended to the horses. Rain’s estate had land, and there was a small pond he’d shown me on our tour the other day. I didn’t want anyone to overhear us because I was truly terrified, not speaking as I tugged him along the path. When we finally got there, I couldn't hold it in any longer.

“I just killed a woman because she asked me to.” He blinked, shock etching his features, and I burst into tears.

Chapter 40

IbarelybreathedasI raced myself to recount what happened as fast as I could. What was asked of me, what Miriam said to me, what I had done. By the time I finished, I was no longer crying but angry and breathless instead. Rain held me the entire time I spoke, and it brought me some small comfort. I pulled away and started pacing while he stood in silence, thinking. I felt an ache in my thigh and ignored it, pushing my divinity toward it instead. I knew I should have been resting, but I couldn’t. I needed to move.

“They are clearly interested in your divinity.” His temple throbbed.

“Yes, but why? I’m just a healer, and apparently not the only harrower either.”

“Just a healer.” He shook his head. “I’ve never seen another healer heal themselves, Highclere.”

“Yes, but again, why is that important? I can only help myself with that. Why would it be useful to the Myriad?” He surveyed the pond, a muscle working in his jaw as he considered.

“And you said Filenti is a harrower but can’t do what you do? He can only hear the heart, then?”

“I guess. He was disappointed when she—when I didn’t bring her back.” When she died.

I continued pacing while Rain crouched down, poking at something in the water with a stick, still deep in thought. The woman’s grey eyes swam in my mind. She had seemed at peace at the end when she offered a prayer for me. How could she have looked at me like that, with courage I couldn’t even begin to understand, knowing she was facing her death, and pray forme? I took a moment to offer one up for her and another one, begging the gods to understand and forgive me if I’d chosen incorrectly. Part of me thought about cursing them too for putting me in this position in the first place, but I decided against it.

“She had a message for someone.” Rain glanced over his shoulder in question. “She wanted me to tell someone, a female, that she was sorry she wasn’t better. Maybe her child? I’m not sure, though I suppose I’ll have to add that to the mystery of Mistress Miriam.”

“Why did you do it? Why did you stop her heart?”

“I don’t know, I told you. I just trusted her. And she brought up the seer.”

“What made you trust her, though?”

“She was . . . off. She didn’t interact with me as the others did. And her voice was so calm and strong. I don’t know. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have refused to do it and left.”

“Well, if she was telling the truth and you refused, it sounds like they would have done worse to both of you. If she was lying?” His face tightened, lips flattening. “Why would she lie only to bring about her death?” He stood up, observing the water, and I was grateful his mind had worked in the same way mine did. It made me hopeful I’d made the right choice if it was the same one Rain would have made. “I’ve never liked Filenti. I’ve worked with him in the past, and he’s always made me uncomfortable.”

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