Page 131 of Between Wrath and Mercy

“What was it?” I asked sweetly, trying to conceal my eagerness for the answer.

“You’ll see!” Her voice was chipper, and I shot her a glare.

The rest of the ride was spent mostly in silence, but it felt less tense than it had before. When we finally reached our destination, it was late afternoon, the sun heading steadily for the horizon. It felt a little silly to ride all the way out to the mountains to take a dip in a hot spring, only to turn around a few hours later, but I wouldn’t pretend I wasn’t excited about the experience. When the carriage finally stopped and we stepped out, I was amazed for a moment. There was a large cabin built straight into the side of the mountain, and my jaw dropped at the sight of the waterfall beside it. It was gorgeous—bright aqua blue water falling into a small pool. We hadn’t gone that far north, but I supposed fall was in full swing, the weather here significantly colder than the city. I pulled my cloak closer to me, the blue one which had been a gift from Rain all those years ago, and we made our way up the many steps. It was a long walk, and by the end of it, my legs were aching. I wasn’t sure how much of it was exertion and how much of it was from being weak due to my injuries, but I sent some of my divinity downward, just in case.

“Remind me again why Rainier didn’t just rift us here?” Lavenia wasn't thrilled about the walk either. Shivani didn’t bother with a response as she led us into the cabin. It was built of beautiful golden oak, and I was nearly knocked back by just how hot it was as we crossed the threshold. I almost wanted to step back outside into the chilly fall breeze, the air inside wet and heavy. The cabin was sparsely decorated with simple furniture, not quite outfitted to live in. Instead of a dinner table and chairs, wooden benches lined the walls of the large open room, accompanied by thin runner rugs that ran the length of each one. A servant bustled out from a back room, a younger woman with skin paler than mine and dark brown hair swept back into an intricate design of braids and curls. She reminded me of Thyra. She swept into a deep curtsy.

“Your Majesty, it is a delight as always.” Shivani inclined her head as the servant bustled through, welcoming us, and led us into the room she came from. I was amazed. It was less of a room than it was a back patio, opening up to the snow-covered mountainside behind the cabin. Steps led downward directly into the hot spring, the water a brilliant blue-green, and the pool curved and arched into a stream leading back into a cave on the side of the mountain. Lavenia and Shivani were already peeling their layers off, and I was surprised; I had figured there would be more to it than the three of us stripping naked and climbing into the water. By the time I’d finished taking off my cloak, Lavenia was at my back, assisting me with unbuttoning my dress.

“You need to lose this dress when we get back home.” She was laughing, and I felt a surge of warmth in my chest at the thought of home. Since Ravemont, my view of home had become something different. Even in my little house in Brambleton, I hadn’t known that permanent security, of a place where I could find comfort and safety. A slice of the world to call my own. I’d always longed for Ravemont, wanting to return and know the security and memories it offered. But looking back, though I’d only been there for one short day, it wasn’t home to me anymore. Everything that had made it a home was gone—Lucia and Mama were gone, and even Father wasn't the same anymore. Home had turned into an idea more than a place. It was the people and the safety I felt, and I hadn’t experienced that anywhere until Rain brought me to his estate. Until he made me certain I was his, and he was mine. It was a gift that his estate had been made specifically for me. I couldn't wait to further perfect that belonging by bringing Elora to live there—if she'd have it.

By the time I stepped out of my dress, Shivani was already in the hot spring, her hair pulled up in a bundle with a protective red jewel-toned scarf covering it. It matched what she wore, the same gold and silver embroidery weaving a pattern across it. The servant scurried about, picking up our discarded clothing and creating neat piles on a bench off to the side. It felt a bit awkward being near her in only my undergarments, but I brought my dress to where she worked and folded it, placing it neatly beside the other piles she'd made.

“Oh, my lady, you don’t have to do that!”

“I know." I smiled. I didn't want to be treated with such deference. "I’m used to cleaning up after myself.” Her eyes widened a bit as she bustled away, moving over to a basket full of towels. I finished undressing, carefully placing my undergarments neatly on top of my dress, and I was glad for Rain's small staff. After Ravemont, I had a short period of adjustment where I had to learn how to run a household. I had never done laundry or cooked a meal in my life, but through much trial and error, I figured it out. It wasn't hard exactly, but it was often thankless, and I knew I'd never take a servant for granted ever again.

Crossing over to the stairs, I tentatively lowered one foot into the water and hissed. It was warmer than I anticipated, and I stood still for a moment, acclimating to the heat, arms crossed over my naked body. I wasn't comfortable being on display in that way. It wasn't as if I ogled her, but though Shivani was a mother twice over, her body didn't seem to be as ravaged by the changes of motherhood as mine was. Lavenia had always been thin as a twig, and her mother wasn't much different. Slowly lowering myself into the water, step by step, I unbound my hair, letting it hang free over my breasts. I tried to shake off the insecurities—it wasn't until after giving birth to Elora that I felt insecure about the way my body looked, but I wouldn't change that for all the confidence in the world. Besides, my body had served me well. It was strong, nourished, capable. Mine.

Lavenia noticed my slow hesitance and gestured me over to the benches carved into the stone, where she and her mother sat. Lavenia's arms spread out behind her on the lip of the pool as if presenting her nudity, and I was jealous of her unabashed boldness. She didn't bother with a scarf as her mother had, opting instead to pile her hair high on her head, currently tilted back in utter relaxation. Shivani peered at me from a half-open eye, equally comfortable as her daughter in posture.

“You have good hips.” I gaped at her. “I watched you get in. Your hips are good for children.”

I laughed nervously before averting my eyes. I didn’t think it was prudent to discuss the unlikelihood of providing grandchildren for her. Part of me wondered if she'd fight us performing the ritual if she knew I would give Rain no heir. And because of that, I wanted to keep it quiet, at least until it was too late to do anything about it. Ideally, I wouldn’t tell her at all and let her assume we had issues with conceiving. Although, as I sat there, I wondered if telling her about my previous experience wasn't the worst idea. That way, when years passed without an heir, she wouldn't be as surprised.

“My hips weren't the problem with Elora. I nearly bled to death.” Shivani pulled her head up, watching me contemplatively.

“What happened?”

“The midwife never told me much—something to do with the way Elora was attached to me wasn’t quite right. Knowing what I do now, I believe it had something to do with the placenta. I’d bled intermittently throughout the pregnancy, but when I went into labor . . . Mairin said I was lucky Elora was even born. That most pregnancies like mine don’t make it to term, and if they do, the babes don’t make it.”

“Your healer was right. Most don't survive it.” Looking up, startled, I caught a glimmer in Shivani's eye, and my heart sank. It seemed she understood too well.

“Mama?” Lavenia sat up to stare at her mother.

“Almost a century before Rainier was born, I birthed an infant that never took its first breaths. My healer caught the issue early on, spent almost every waking hour by my side, pouring her divinity into me to prevent it, but we—I still lost the babe. It was early enough that the blood loss wasn’t life-threatening, but I still took quite some time to recover. Physically and otherwise." Her voice had grown quiet, and she took a quick breath, almost to shake off the sadness. "I imagine you and your daughter—Elora, is it?" I nodded. "Your divinity likely carried you both.”

When I realized my divinity stopped me from bleeding out, I began to wonder. Shivani might have been right. The silence was heavy as Lavenia moved over toward her mother, resting her head on her shoulder.

“I’m curious about Elora.” She cut the tension of her admission with a subject I wasn't sure I wanted to broach. Not only had I never thought of Elora interacting with Queen Shivani, I was surprised, and part of me was instantly suspicious. Shivani had close ties with the Myriad for the entirety of her reign as queen. Was she only interested because of her status as the Beloved? “Obviously, any heir would have to be of Rainier's blood, of course, but I suppose he could grant her the title of princess if he wanted. I’d like to know more about the girl who brought out such ferocity in you.”

“She’s my daughter. Of course, I’m fierce when it comes to her.”

Annoyed, I didn't reply further. Did she say all of that out of an assumption that I would expect Rain to somehow name Elora as his heir? Or that giving her a title was important? It was absurd, even if it was something Elora would want. I was mildly offended by the implication but kept silent, tilting my head back in an attempt to relax. I sensed the queen's fixation on an heir might be an issue. Rain hadn’t cared, had assured me that it didn't matter if I couldn’t give him that, but what Shivani said rolled around in my head, not allowing me to focus on anything else. Rain’s own words about wanting the blessing of children joined hers.

Something like cautious curiosity lit in my gut, and I tugged my lower lip into my mouth, nibbling on it as I thought. Shivani might have been right about my divinity carrying us. If Shivani had two healthy children after she lost the first, who was to say that might not be the case for me? Perhaps it was a one-off, something that wouldn't happen again. And if it did, if I knew earlier on what might be the cause, could I spear my divinity into the right direction? Could I fix it before it even became a problem?

It was a lot to think about in consideration of the future, and it was too much pressure to put on my mind with everything else happening. Between Elora and the battle with Folterra, the unfolding situation with Keeva and the Nine, the ordeal with the Myriad, and my impending bonding ritual, I couldn't spare a thought for a far-off possibility.

But in that far-off future, would I even want that? I was sure Rain would, but I nearly had a full-grown child. Did I want a baby? I allowed myself some cautious daydreaming as I relaxed, mulling over the different futures that may come to pass. Eventually, I opened my eyes and found Shivani watching me. I glanced at Lavenia, resting as I had been, head tilted back on the ledge behind her. Her mouth was slack, and I wondered if she was even awake.

“I must say, I don’t know what it is about you that he’s so taken with.” Shivani’s eyes narrowed as she addressed me. “You bring nothing in the way of politics. I doubt you even know the names of anyone on the council.” She continued without waiting for a response. “Your divinity is interesting but not nearly as powerful as his. You are of average beauty. Does he choose you because of your daughter? Is she that powerful? I do not think that is it because he never seemed anything other than burdened when he was set to marry your sister. Not to mention, from your outburst at the palace, I do not suppose you’d ever allow him to use her as a weapon. A good thing, as a mother—to not want your children to be used. I do respect that. You are motivated when it comes to your child but clearly hot-headed in your defense.” She stopped for a moment and studied me, tapping a finger against her chin. I didn’t say anything, merely meeting her gaze with my own. “Maybe it is a sort of nostalgia, for when his life was simpler.” She paused as she rubbed her chin with the same fingers. “He will make a great king, but I’m not convinced you will make a great queen.”

While I’d been wondering the same thing myself, her blatant questioning of me rubbed me the wrong way, and I snapped out at her. “It is lucky then that it is not you I need to convince, but the people.” I attempted to keep the scowl off my face, but the way her brows furrowed and lips pursed when she looked at me, I hadn’t adequately hidden my emotions.

“I suppose that is true. Once Soren is dead, I will continue with my duties long after the coronation until Rainier deems it appropriate for you to take over.” I didn’t reply, wondering if she’d discussed this with him already. It didn’t seem like him to determine something like that for me, but it was possible. I didn’t mind that she’d continue on, but I hoped I would be permitted to learn what was expected of me in the meantime. The way she said it made me wonder if she meant for the arrangement to be long-lasting. I supposed with Soren dead, their bond would break, so unless she found another person to perform the ritual with, the arrangement wouldn't last forever.

As much as I luxuriated in the warmth of the spring, I didn’t want to be there any longer. I would rather have been in Rain’s bathtub, awaiting his return. I supposed he would be busy with Dewalt for the night, but since the night he proposed, we had had little time together, and tomorrow I was going to commit my mind, body, and soul to him. It was a large leap for me to make mentally, and I just wanted a few more moments in his arms to help come to terms with it. Not to mention, I needed to find the words I was expected to say to him tomorrow in front of everyone. No, I wanted to leave, even if it meant enduring more silence with a woman who didn’t understand my presence.

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