Page 31 of Between Wrath and Mercy

His shoulders sagged as his gaze met mine. His throat was working, but nothing came out. His eyes begged me not to ask him; we already knew the answer.

“Exactly. Give me a reason not to or let me go.”

“I—I can’t, Em. It’s not—we can’t. It’s not up for discussion.”

I remembered the anger and the hurt and the shame. His words echoed what he’d said in the cave before we were called away. We can’t. And yet here he was, asking me to defy my father, my parents. The two people who just buried one daughter due to actions from the other. I had no interest in marrying Faxon, but I had even less interest in hurting them further for no reason. I had begged him. I’d begged him for a reason, and he wouldn’t give it. Noting the sword across his back and the other strapped to his hip, I challenged him to first blood. When the words registered, the look on his face was one I hoped to forget.

“First blood, and you’ll let me go. Completely. I don’t want to see you again.”

In the moments that followed, I realized part of him gave up the second I made my request. When I hit him in the ribs, drawing blood, I turned to leave. It was then when he’d said those things to me, kneeling on the ground with his hand on his side.

“You are a cruel fool, Emmeline. Your words are poison. You are poison.”

I stepped closer to him, only having to bend slightly to reach him, and kissed him softly on the cheek.

“Goodbye, Rain.”

And then I ran.

“Who healed him?” My voice was quiet and weak in the aftermath of that visceral recollection. I hadn’t thought about him then, even if I spent many moments over the years wondering about what happened after I left.

“Your mother, Emma.” She’d never told me. “But what’s worse is you didn’t even have the decency to see him when he came to Ravemont. We didn’t even know you left until, what, a year after? We heard rumors you left Vesta. We searched for you. We’vebeensearching for you.

“But I thought he was finally over it and moving on. For the good of the kingdom, but also for the good of himself. And now you’re back, and I am happy. We all are. You have no idea how hard it was at the beginning without you both. You destroyed him when you left, and, while I hope he forgives you for shutting him out, I’m finding it difficult.”

I wondered how recently they'd been looking for me. Surely, he only meant at the beginning, right after I left. When Rainier had gone to Ravemont, and the welcome wasn’tshe won’t see youand becameshe isn’t here. I didn’t understand why he would still care after I was gone. He’d made everything perfectly clear to me. It wasn’t up for discussion, so why was he having to move on? I did him a favor by removing myself from his life. But what if it hadn’t been? What would my life have been like if I didn’t cut them off and run away? Would Elora be safe right now, protected by the Crown? Maybe Rainier and his father could have prevented my marriage. I wouldn’t have Elora, but who knew where my life might have gone. I swallowed, pushing the feeling of regret down as deep as I could. Dewalt noted the movement, and he took a breath.

“I swear to the gods, if you destroy him again, Emma…If we get your daughter back and you disappear again, Hanwen help me I will not be held responsible for what I do. Do not make him lose you twice. You have no idea what his life has been like since that day, none.”

Something in his eyes surprised me. I’d never seen Dewalt so earnest. As if the thought of watching his friend go through something like that was too much to bear. I wondered for a second how Rainier reacted back then to make Dewalt this protective. He was watching me expectantly, wanting assurances I wasn’t sure I could give. I didn’t know where things would fall once I got Elora back. I knew we couldn’t go back to Brambleton, just the two of us. The secret was out, and I clearly needed more capable protectors, at least for a few more years. Could I just fall back into this life with them? And Rainier—I stopped myself. I’d think about it once Elora was back.

I stared down at my feet. I wasn’t sure when all my fear and sadness and anger from all those years ago started turning into nothing but regret, but it was making me come to uncomfortable realizations.

“I’m sorry.” I knew they probably thought what I did was selfish. And maybe I should have seen Rainier when he came to Ravemont. But each time I saw his face, all I could think about was the look my sister gave me when she saw us run through the rift, disheveled and red-faced. I’d betrayed her on her last day, and we were the cause of the attack. She probably died hating me, and I hated myself for it. And seeing Rainer back then brought it all back up for me. I was angry with him for convincing me with his crooked smile and a stolen kiss to bring down the wards so we could sneak to the cavern. I was angry with him for throwing me in those caves. And I was angry he didn’t love me—not in the way I did him. I didn’t have the benefit of time then, to work everything out. My sister died, I was married, I was pregnant, then I was a mother—all within a year. I was a mother with a child who was destined for the same fate as my sister, and I’d barely had time to process any of the rest of it by then.

I’d had plenty of time now, though, to prepare myself to see his beautiful face without feeling the guilt try to suffocate me. Now, it stoked regret more than anything else. Regret that I’d let my guilt and anger turn us into strangers.

“Just promise me you won’t disappear again, Emma.”

“I promise. I promise I won’t disappear.” It was a promise I hoped I wouldn’t have to break. For their sake and my own.

Afteranotherhourofexercising on the beach, we headed back to the inn to meet up with Rainier and Lavenia. I was glad Dewalt got the things off his chest he needed to, and he kept his word and went straight back to annoying me.

“I saw the dagger, but do you have anything else on you?” My hand traced the hilt of the blade strapped to my thigh, worn and perfectly suited for my hand.

“None here. My bow is with Bree.”

“Helpful. I, too, like to leave my weapons somewhere else, rendering them useless.” I shot a glare at him.

“I don’t see you carrying all your weapons! All you’ve got is your sword.” He lifted a regal brow at me and stopped, bending down to lift up his pant leg. An ankle sheath was hidden below it. He grinned up at me.

“I have my bandolier in the room.” I hadn’t seen the bandolier, but it didn’t surprise me. Dewalt had always loved throwing knives.

“Point taken. I’ll have my bow when I have my horse. I’m still good at that, at least.” He smiled then, and I was hopeful things would be better between the two of us.

On our walk back, Dewalt began to update me on the king and queen. I’d heard rumors of King Soren’s ailing health, but Dewalt explained just how bad it had gotten in recent years, the king’s temper significantly worse because of it.

“He was always an asshole, you probably remember. Cruel.”

---