Page 33 of Between Wrath and Mercy

“Dewalt explained. It’s a good idea.” I surprised myself with the admission, but it was true. The Three Kingdoms had been looking for an easy way out with the Beloved, not willing to work on their actions themselves to fix the problems. “I’ve always thought you’d make a great king one day.”

He grunted, as if he didn’t believe me. “That’s not what you seemed to think this morning.” The arched eyebrow didn’t hide his annoyance.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I probably shouldn’t make a habit of saying horrible things to someone trying to help me.”

He huffed a laugh. “Too late, don’t you think?”

I deserved that.

“I’m sorry, Rainier. I mean it.” Whatever his reasons were for killing the man, it fell shy of King Soren’s cruelty by a long shot. But, at the same time, what had Rainier turned into in recent years? He’d clearly earned a reputation.

“He put your daughter into the hands of our enemies. He put the kingdom at risk. He may have been the catalyst for a war, Emmeline. I do not regret it. There were other reasons I had as well.” He gave me a dark look. “Elora wasn’t the first unwilling girl he helped smuggle onto a boat.” His mouth was a straight line. I let the realization settle in my bones as I felt my whole body break out in goosebumps.

“Shit. Well, I guess it’s good you killed him.” Though this specific instance appeared justified, I decided to continue anyway. “But as far as catalysts go, that was Faxon, not the deckhand. I am as well. I hid her from the Crown and the Myriad, so she had no protection, and then Faxon sold her. Am I not a traitor to the Crown?” I didn’t know why I was pushing him, as if I wanted him to have a reason to find me guilty.

“Faxon is a catalyst, and I already told you he would die for it. Unless that is no longer what you want?” He stared straight ahead, shutting me out. I paused, wondering if what he was asking me meant more than the simple answer. I bided my time.

“I would think I do not have much sway in the matter.” I mirrored him, keeping my face a solid slate, shutting him out as he had done me. He let out a long, low breath.

“You have always had more sway with me than you should have, Emmeline.” His voice was a low rumble, and in it, I felt a deep sense of regret and longing and maybe something else. I could feel his eyes on me, but I willed myself to keep looking straight ahead, to not let him see his words affected me. If not for my traitorous skin flushing, I’d have thought I succeeded.

“I still want his death. But should I not also want my own?” I thought what I was doing in hiding Elora was the best thing for her. To grow up away from the influences of the Myriad or the Crown. But now I was second guessing every decision I ever made with her. Maybe the Crown would have been more successful in her protection than I was. And Faxon would have been living the life he wanted, making his betrayal less likely. I heard Rainier inhale deeply beside me.

“Did you believe what you were doing was protecting her?

“Of course, it was to protect her. I’ve been terrified her entire life, I still am.” I rattled it all out in one breath. Saying it was claiming it, and I didn’t want to claim the fear right now. To deal with it.

“Then I’m willing to take intention into consideration Em, at least with you. Always with you.” He heaved a sigh like it had been weighing him down, while a small smile played on his lips. “You did your best.” Maybe one day I’d believe him.

“Thank you. I appreciate you helping me. I—I was afraid you might not.”.

He stared at me, stricken for a moment. Then his mouth went tight, the small smile gone. “I am not the monster you seem to think I am.” I felt an ache in my chest.

“That’s not—” I decided not to get into this conversation with him, not now anyway. I should have apologized and got straight to the point. “The reason I came up here actually was to ask you if you’d seen Elora’s necklace? It was in my pocket last night, but I wonder if it fell out onto the floor at some point.”

“Shit, sorry. Here.” He reached into his cloak and pulled out the jewelry in question. Face still closed off, he passed it over to me. I took it into my hands and rubbed my thumb over the ammolite stone, the dragon scale. Running the tiny chain between my fingers, I noticed something.

“You fixed it?” When he pulled it out from under the bed, the tiny clasp had been missing.

“I found it this morning after you and Dewalt left. I had someone fix it while I got supplies and Lavenia found the horses.” He shrugged as if the gesture meant nothing, as if it was expected for him to do all the things he’d done for me the past few days and still find the time to fix a necklace, inconsequential as it was. I was happy to see some of the tension ease from his face when I looked over at him.

“That was kind of you, Rain. Thank you.” He watched me as I pulled my hair back and put the tiny necklace on. If I wore it, I’d be less likely to lose it.

“Don’t thank me. Just keep calling me that.” He turned forward, and I noticed him swallow. I hadn’t even realized I called him Rain until he mentioned it. I’d been actively avoiding it, wondering about the implication of using the name I used to call him. The name I usedbefore. The name I used for him before he broke my heart and everything went wrong. I decided to hell with my careful approach and hesitations—I’d give myself over to the comfortable familiarity, even if it hurt me in the end.

“I think I can do that, Rain.” And the smile I gave him was the first genuine one I’d given since Elora was taken.

Chapter 12

TheMirastosPathwaswell-traveled and properly maintained, large enough to fit two wagons across. The dirt road was so frequented that it was flattened, any rogue pebbles sunk deep within the earth, making easy travel for all those who took it. The woods to the westernmost side were thinner, more sparse, leaving a clear glimpse of the Alsors which awaited our crossing farther north. The Whispering Wood to the east was darker, more dense, and spoke of quiet danger. The normal sounds of the forest were almost muted to our right as we traveled north, as if the air was thicker. I wasn’t frightened as I remembered all the stories told about this forest, but I was less relaxed here than I had been in the osage tunnel, the warmth of the sun through those red and orange leaves lighting up like fire. I wished that was the path we were taking. Rainier’s guard would be cutting west from Ardian through the Whispering Wood, possibly taking the same tunnel of trees I’d prayed in. We timed it just right so we wouldn’t get too far ahead and would likely run into them the following night.

Rainier kept quiet in the front of our group, leading us deeper into the woods. I followed in equal silence, with Dewalt and Lavenia riding behind. After I thanked him for the necklace, I fell back, wanting to give both of us space to think about what we’d said. I didn’t think he was a monster. A monster wouldn’t do what he was doing now. A monster wouldn’t drop everything to help me find Elora. He wouldn’t take me with him to petition the king for an army. I realized if he was only helping because Elora was the Beloved, he might have chosen not to bring me with them. The fact I was in attendance meant he was doing this for me too.

Even during the months after Lucia’s death, I didn’t think he was a monster. I thought we made stupid decisions together which caused her death. I thought he robbed me of a chance to say goodbye to her and almost killed me doing it. I didn’t like to admit to myself he also broke my heart that night, but I never thought he was a monster. And I wondered why he got that impression from me.

Because I treated him like one.

Because I flinched when he approached me.

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