Page 34 of Between Wrath and Mercy

Because I told him I didn’t think he’d help me.

None of it was because of him. I didn’t know why I flinched. Maybe I expected him to grab me and yell at me like he did at Lucia’s burial. Or maybe I was accustomed to not being touched, and I was afraid if he crossed the distance between us, I wouldn’t be able to maintain it any longer. But when he held my hand on the bed and promised to kill Faxon, something changed, and I wasn’t so sure of myself anymore.

I told him I didn’t think he’d help me, not because he wouldn’t want to, but because I’d been so terrible to him, I wasn’t sure I deserved it. I stabbed him at my sister’s burial and let those words be the last things said between us. He’d come to Ravemont once after that, right after I felt those first kicks with Elora. It hurt to turn him away, especially because with Lucia gone, I had no one to talk to. And I was terrified for so many reasons. Could he have helped comfort me? Would he have wanted to, after finding me pregnant with Faxon’s baby? I’d never know because ultimately, I chose not to see him. He could have forced his way in as the Crown Prince without repercussion, but he never did, calmly accepting my refusal. I wondered if things would have changed if he had. But if Dewalt spoke true, they’d searched for me. I couldn’t understand why. Rainier had made his feelings abundantly clear when I begged him to give me a reason.

I hadn’t been able to look at myself in the mirror for over a year; Lucia’s face was all I saw. And every time I thought of her face, it took me back to that night, and I relived it. The look of shock when she saw Rain and I return together that night. I’d never told her my true feelings about him, never indicated it was more than flirtation. He was going to be her bonded conduit, her husband. That night haunted me frequently, and I relived the events once more in my self-inflicted solitude.

Once Rain rifted us back to his bedroom at Crown Cottage, we found his door ripped wide open as if Dewalt had come to find him. It had only been minutes since we felt the impulses, but he was nowhere to be found. Rain had grabbed his sword from his room in one hand and interlaced his fingers with mine in the other as we crept down the hallway. Dewalt’s room had been empty, but as we rounded the corner, we heard the chaos. Then Lucia was sprinting to us, my sword in her hand.

After asking where we were, she had thrust my weapon at me as she studied me, lingering on the hastily adjusted neckline of my favorite dress, my disheveled hair, my flushed features, suspicion crossing her face before she eyed Rain, realization dawning. She had scowled at me, so severely I started to rush to explain, to tell her she was right all along about my feelings for him. She cut me off with a jerk of her hand, uttering words which would haunt me so many years later.

“The Folterrans are here.”

Rain’s voice had been calm and steady when he asked where Dewalt and Lavenia were, despite the fear I saw in his eyes. And when I saw that fear confirmed by Lucia’s rapidly increasing horror, my divinity had gone uncontrollable, and I heard his heart nearly beat out of his chest. Dewalt was out front with the rest of the guard, but Lavenia had gone into the gardens to look at the night-blooming starflowers, their first buds only appearing that night.

With a curse on his lips, Rainier had taken off running, rushing down the servant staircase to reach the back gardens. I hesitated for only a second, letting my sister's eyes weigh heavily against my skin before I followed. I could hear the clash of swords and shouts of soldiers from the other side of the estate as I rushed out the large, glass doors Rain had left wide open. I spotted Lavenia a moment before he did, her light blue dress still visible despite her attempt at hiding within the garden. I had begun to run toward them when I heard Lucia gasp behind me.

Three rifts had opened around us, and soldiers poured out.

We had fought for our lives. Lucia and I became separated from Rainier and Lavenia, encircled by soldiers who kept pushing us back, moving us away from the estate. Even as I shoved my sword through a Folterran neck, my eyes kept darting over to Rain to ensure he was alright. He didn’t have time to rift, entirely engaged in combat, Lavenia using his dagger when she could. My attention had been drawn to the man in front of me, and I cried out as his weapon found purchase in my side. Lucia had been able to rid me of the man before he could do worse, but my eyes met Rain’s for just a moment as I clamped my free hand to my stomach. Rain had roared as he began to mow soldiers down left and right in an attempt to reach me. I tore my eyes from him as I engaged with yet another soldier, but I lost track of him as Lucia and I had been herded into the open.

Fighting back-to-back, she had sent out bursts of light, more like lightning than anything else, knocking enemies to the ground. Dewalt and Rainier had trained me well; I held off enemies to her back, incapacitating or killing when I could, but I was quickly overwhelmed. A soldier grabbed me by the neck and threw me into a tree where I slammed my face. I had felt my forehead split and my knees give out before I dropped my sword. Then a bright light broke across my vision, and Lucia grabbed me under the arm, pulling me up. And we ran and ran until we got overwhelmed again. All I had was my dagger, but we had managed for a while—until we didn’t. Until Lucia stopped and pushed me. Until Rainier caught up with us. Until she died, and I never got a chance to explain. She died thinking I’d betrayed her, and she would have been right. And I blamed him because it was easier to blame Rainier than it was to blame myself.

Wehadlunchbeforewe left Mira, so when we stopped for dinner, we stopped for the night. Rainier and his horse left the path, veering through the trees to our right, into that smothering, impenetrable wood. He cut in quite a ways, crossing over a stream, until he found a small clearing, the diminishing sunlight barely cutting through the thinning canopy above. By then, my ears had adjusted to the strange heaviness, the sounds of the forest normal again, if a little quieter than usual. The foliage itself was thicker on this side of the path, filtering the lingering daylight almost completely. I was nervous about camping on this side, but Rainier insisted, arguing that we’d be better sheltered and protected amongst the dense trees. He dropped to the ground in a fluid motion before walking a quick perimeter of the site.

I thought all four of us felt introspective on the ride, lost in our own thoughts. No one spoke, even Lavenia and Dewalt maintaining a quiet, comfortable solitude. I decided if I was going to continue to be here with my old friends, I couldn’t keep revisiting past wounds. I needed to get it all out and be done with it so I could focus solely on Elora. I was going to have to face all of it head on. I would start tonight.

Dewalt and Rainier began setting up our tents using wooden stakes, ropes, and a bit of leather. There were two, each big enough for two people, and they erected them next to one another. The three of them offered me my own tent so I’d have a full night's sleep, not having to worry about being woken when someone had watch. I protested, but the other three wouldn’t hear it. Lavenia pulled a wool blanket from one of her packs and threw it down on the ground in her tent before divvying up the rest of the bedding. I began gathering kindling for a fire, my hands already freezing. In my rush to get to Ravemont, I hadn’t brought warm enough clothing.

After the tents were set up, Dewalt started working on the fire while Rainier began to pull out hard tack, breads and cheeses, and apples for our meal. He had packed light, knowing we’d hit Brambleton before we took the Cinturon Pass to the west. As I bit into the apple, I remembered Junie and her grumpy pony and wondered how her arm was doing. She’d been mostly healed when I saw her last.

Shit.

I’d been attacked on my way home from seeing her. The bodies. Theo and Mairin. Had Theo reported the bodies to the guard in Brambleton? Was he alright? I was sure between my healing and what Mairin would do for him; he’d be fine. We’d be in Brambleton in three nights, and I could go home and check in before we headed west. I needed to. But did I want the others to come with me? The thought of bringing my old friends to my home didn’t sit well in my gut, almost like crossing a boundary. As though by allowing them to see that part of my life, I was opening a door to them, inviting them in. I was accepting this as my new normal, and I wasn’t sure I wanted that. Well, they didn’t need to come with me, but I needed to tell them my intentions.

Face all of it. Head on.

We’d been sitting around the fire in easy silence, Lavenia sharing a log with me and Dewalt resting across the fire from us. I’d watched, fascinated, as Rainier pulled dirt up into a rudimentary chair. He offered to make me one, but I was comfortable on my log.

His abilities had always intrigued me. Although conduits had access to their full divinity upon maturity, some of the more difficult or consuming abilities took years to hone. Though he came into his full divinity one winter away from Crown Cottage, the Rainier I knew wouldn’t have been able to craft a chair straight out of dirt. Instead, he’d have created an entire hill and have to slowly carve with his ability to get to the desired outcome. Once, when we’d been eating lunch in the meadow, he’d attempted to fill a pitcher with water from the nearby creek using his divinity. Instead, he sent a wave at us, and we both got soaked, laughing because we couldn’t scramble away fast enough. We’d dried off in the sun afterward, the day unusually warm for the season, and we fell asleep with my head on his chest. He gave me my first kiss when we woke—soft, warm, and breathtaking. He’d said I smelled like sunshine and spring. He took me to the willow tree after, and we kissed beneath it for hours, drunk on affection. It was the first time our lips explored the other, something we began to do often and in secret after that day. Until Lucia died. Drawing myself out of the memory, I broke the silence around the fire.

“I need to go home. It’s just east of Brambleton.”

“Why?” Dewalt’s expression was one of confusion, not contradiction. I wasn’t sure if I imagined Rainier’s back straighten in my periphery.

“Well, I want to check on our neighbor, the one they beat. And my—my friend, Mairin, likely has some questions. Not to mention the bodies. I need to take care of things. I can branch off and go home and then meet back with you as soon as I’m done.” I definitely noticed Rainier relax with my reply.

Lavenia snorted. “Divine hell, I forgot about their bodies. You just left them?” Honestly, I had almost forgotten as well, the last few days a blur.

“The minute I realized what happened, I packed up and left for Ravemont. I hope Theo dealt with it. I owe the boy.” I grimaced. If he hadn’t dealt with it, I’d have to when we got there, and I didn’t anticipate it being a pleasant experience.

“If he hasn’t, it’s a good thing I’m here to do it for you.” Rainier sent a crooked smile toward me, but I was confused. I didn’t intend to bring him with me. Plus, I wasn’t going to ask him to bury week-old bodies. He looked at me and chuckled. The ground at my feet began to shake, tiny pebbles vibrating on the dirt.

“Oh.” I huffed a laugh. “Thank thegods, just imagining the smell was nauseating. You’d make quick work of it.” I was surprised at the ease in which I joked about dead bodies. Before Lucia and I were overrun that night, I had killed a decent number of soldiers. I didn’t know how many. It must be easier to not care about killing someone when they deserve it.

“Tell us about Mairin.” Lavenia’s voice was quiet and curious, as if she’d seen me crack the door open and wanted to know if I’d let her in. I debated for a moment. Everything in my mind was telling me to keep it closed, not to let them in. But if Rainier was coming with me to help bury bodies, they’d see my home, my life. Her questioning was friendly, and I followed that pull from my heart, the one telling me to open up, to rely on them, to share with them.

“She’s the healer in Brambleton. They can’t afford a conduit. I help her sometimes, secretly of course. She actually kept me company one night after Faxon and Elora left. She got me drunk and asked about my future.” I chuckled. “She’s funny and kind. Honestly, she’s my only friend.” I stared at my feet, embarrassed.

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