Page 41 of Between Wrath and Mercy

Even in the dim lighting, I could tell he was surprised. I did my best to shrug from where I was laying, trying to take the intensity out of the way he watched me. “You’d be surprised how easy you are to forgive, Rain. Especially when given so long to think about it.” He huffed a laugh as he moved to leave the tent. When the cold breeze blew in, it solidified what I’d been thinking a moment before. “You don’t have to swap tents—if you want to stay in here, you can.” I burrowed lower into his cloak and my bedroll, oddly embarrassed. I hadn’t meant anything by it, other than just wanting his company and his warmth.

He glanced over his shoulder at me, still on his knees about to climb out of the tent, an appraising look on his face.

“I’ll be right back.”

I closed my eyes, ignoring the way my heart started pattering, as I rolled over to face the empty part of the tent. I heard him murmur something to Lavenia and walk the few steps over to the other tent. There was silence, followed by a quiet interaction between Dewalt and Rainier I couldn’t make out. Rainier seemed agitated.

Before I had a chance to wonder about what they’d said, he was climbing back into the tent with a bedroll tucked under his arm. Sitting back on his heels, he spread it in the empty space next to me. He sat down on it, and I watched as he took his boots off and placed them next to the opening of the tent, his muscles visible under the back of his shirt as he bent over. I closed my eyes and burrowed farther into my own bedroll while he struggled into his, an awkward enough task in a small tent that I didn’t think he required an audience.

When he seemed settled and comfortable, I opened my eyes. He was propped up on one elbow, watching me, as a smile slowly spread across his face.

“You look like a caterpillar.” I glanced down and started laughing. My eyes and nose were the only thing visible at the top of the bedroll, the rest of my body bundled tightly inside it. The sweat which had accumulated on my body during my nightmare had dried, and I was cold now.

“A rather cold caterpillar.” I burrowed farther into the bundle for emphasis.

“Sothatwas why you asked me to stay.” There was a shimmer of amusement in his eyes.

“I didn’t ask you to stay, I offered.” It would seem I had to argue with him about everything.

“Semantics, Em.” He laid down on his back and patted his chest. “Come here.” I hesitated. It felt dangerous or inappropriate, even though he was someone I cared for deeply in my past.Especiallyfor those reasons. I was freezing though and heavily considered it. I was startled when I heard his heart, not realizing I’d been reaching out. It was a little faster than it should have been just lying in the tent, and I realized he was as nervous as I was.

“Have you heard my heartbeat again? Since the caves?” I stayed in place, wanting to see his face while he answered.

“Not the past few days, no.” He lowered his voice and turned his head from the tent above him to face me. I noticed the stubble on his face had grown a bit in the days I’d been with him. It gave him a rough, intimidating look. “The last time I heard it was the burial.” When I stabbed him.

“Did you ever hear anyone else’s then? Lavenia or Dewalt?” I wondered if somehow, I’d projected some of my abilities onto him. I didn’t even know if it was possible.

“No. I only ever heard you.” His lips parted as he looked at me, and I found myself wanting to bring mine to his and feel if they were as soft as I remembered. Even in this low light, I was sure he could tell where my eyes were fixated, and I stopped myself. Now was not the time, if ever. Everything between us felt like an impassable canyon, and I wasn’t sure if we’d ever be able to get over it, capable of coexisting without being laced with hurt—from both sides. Not to mention he was soon to be king. It was unrealistic to even think about. But we could be friends again, that was easy. Truly, he’d been my first real friend other than Lucia, and I wasn’t sure family counted. Friendship had always been our strength; it wasn’t until we added more to it that things turned sour.

“Well, I’m lucky I guess, that you’re some sort of freak.” He laughed at the deflection but stilled as I scooted over and put my head on his chest. After a moment, he exhaled, lowering his arm to wrap around me. I closed my eyes, breathing him in. This was the Rain I’d missed all along. He was so warm, and I was so tired, I fell asleep quickly, feeling his hand gently playing with my hair.

“It’sdawn,wakeup.”Dewalt’s voice called from outside the tent. He sounded mildly aggravated, but that wasn’t far off from his normal morning personality. I kept my eyes closed, refusing to move. I was extremely warm and cozy, and I knew the minute I moved, cold air would find a way into my cocoon and stressful thoughts a way into my mind. Rainier and I had rolled to face each other in our sleep, both of his arms around me with my head tucked under his chin. I was surprised he didn’t have his arm tucked in his bedroll with him given how cold it was. I inhaled deeply, content to never move again, enveloped in his smell, his calming and cleansing scent after a storm. Rainier tugged me closer, the gesture painfully intimate. I felt something catch in my throat before he stretched his arm upward and his whole body followed, everything going taut. I took the opportunity to stretch as well and pull away from him, my heart needing the distance. The pull of him was too great.

“Good morning, Emmeline.” He reached down and brushed a strand of hair off my face. I stilled at the motion, and he noticed, pulling his hand away. With that one small gesture, it made me realize I had let things go too far. I shouldn’t have crossed this line; it was something I should have left alone. I thought it wouldn’t mean anything other than two friends sharing warmth on the road but waking up in his arms felt distinctly like more than I’d bargained for. I didn’t want to walk down this path again which led to nothing but heartbreak and destruction for us both, full of mistakes and regret. I also felt a clear sense of disgust with myself, for even thinking about things between Rainier and me when my daughter was in the hands of the enemy. I knew we needed to rest the horses and sleep for the night, and I was on my way to do everything I could for her, but there was shame roiling in my gut. How could I possibly think of anything other than her in a time like this?

“Morning.” I rolled onto my back, stretching. I sat up, blanket still wrapped around me, and pulled my fingers through my hair, brushing it out and braiding it into a coronet on top of my head, pointedly not making eye contact or conversation with Rainier. To his credit, he did the same. He put on his boots before passing me mine, then climbed out of the tent without a word. He could probably tell something had shifted with me, and I hoped I hadn’t hurt his feelings.

I dressed in fresh clothes, and my thoughts turned to what Lavenia and Dewalt had said to me yesterday. Dewalt had been so angry with me, accusing me of destroying Rainier, whenhehad been the one to destroy me. He and I pulled down the wards when he decided to take me to the cavern. He had been the one to tell me we couldn’t be together. Twice. I couldn’t let myself care that he searched Nythyr for me over the years. I couldn’t let this go further than it already did. Even if we could get past all of it, there was no possible future for us in any way. I’d get Elora back and then go to Ravemont. I was sure Rainier would at least help provide a guard to protect her, and then he would go on to rule Vesta, hopefully enacting the change he desired. I’d inherit Ravemont, Elora would live her life, and that would be it. Maybe I’d keep in touch with my friends, maybe I wouldn’t. But I couldn’t let myself get close like this again.

Chapter 15

BythetimeIleft my tent, Dewalt and Rainier had already packed up the other and Lavenia was packing our supplies. Everyone was working quietly, and I ignored the way my stomach twisted when I caught Rainier’s gaze.

“Go fill up the canteens, Emma.” Dewalt’s voice felt more like an order than a request, and I remembered the mumbled exchange between the two men the night before. I hoped Rainier staying with me didn’t start some sort of issue between the two of them. I grabbed the canteens and went walking to the creek, a little farther north than the campsite. I stayed alongside the water, going farther than I needed to, wanting to put some distance between myself and the man who was currently haunting my thoughts. I stopped when I came to a point in the stream where it opened into a serene pond. It was beautiful, and that strange quiet, the smothering silence, didn’t touch me here. It was almost as if I was in another forest altogether. I’d never explored the Whispering Wood before, having been trained to fear it as a child, but we were close enough to the Mirastos I figured it was safe enough.

I crouched down on the bank and put our canteens in the water. It was so clear I could see the tiny multi-colored rocks at the bottom of the stream, their opalescence glinting in the sunlight. When I dipped my hand in, tiny fish scattered across the bottom of the stream bed. After I filled the canteens, I sat back for a moment, taking in the serenity of the area. I was reminded of the small pond near our home in Brambleton where I’d taught Elora to swim. There was a willow there, and she used to hide in its leaves to frighten me. Those brief moments of terror, not knowing where she was, listening for a splash or cough or anything to find her, were awful, and she got punished accordingly whenever she did it to me. Now, that same fear was leaching into me, and I was experiencing it at all times. The only respite was being around the others, distracting myself from the intrusive terror threatening the borders of my mind. Most moments not spent keeping myself busy had me thinking about Elora and what might be happening to her. Even though we were going to Astana to use the best resources I could find, I still felt like a failure. I knew weeping and wallowing wouldn’t get her back, but I felt like I could be doing more. I knew being distracted by Rainier was just another way of coping, but I needed to be more careful.

I startled when I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. The man in question had snuck up on me, almost as if I summoned him.

“Gods, warn me next time!” My heart was in my mouth. He gave me an apologetic smile and pulled me to my feet, holding my hands after I stood, and rubbing his calloused thumbs across the backs of them. I stilled for a moment, glancing down at my hands in his. His eyes were on me when I lifted my head, the early morning light playing in them, giving him a mischievous look. Rainier’s mouth curved up, and I couldn’t help but stare at his lips. I didn’t move when he put his hand up to my cheek, gently caressing my jaw with those rough fingertips. I’d just told myself this had no future; I couldn’t let this continue. But here he was, and I wasn’t sure about anything.

“I—Rain, this won’t ever—” He put a finger on my lips, quieting me. As much as I hated myself for it, as much as the shame roiled in my stomach—when he leaned down to kiss me, I did not stop him. A distraction and nothing more. That was what I told myself, what I had to tell myself.

His kiss was feral as he nipped at my lips, a hand going to my waist. The soft and warm kisses I’d remembered were no more, and in their place was this frustrated and wild passion which surprised me. He pushed me backwards against a tree and pulled one of my legs up around his waist, grinding into me. I gasped, taken by surprise until I felt his hardness pressed against my softness, and I couldn’t help it as a moan slipped past my lips. He took a firm grasp on me, tilting my head, as he lowered his mouth to my neck. His teeth grazed against my skin, and I felt it pebble. This was so unbelievably stupid and irresponsible, and yet I couldn’t—wouldn’t—put a stop to it.

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I gave in, completely embracing what my body wanted, whatIwanted. His hard edges pressed perfectly against my soft curves, every part of him melding precisely against me. If it was only a distraction from my worry and fears, fine, I’d take that diversion gladly. I tilted my head away from him, giving him better access to kiss my neck. There was a warmth traveling down my body, pooling low. Why did he wait until now? Why didn’t he unleash this fire last night when we truly could have done something about it? Would I have?

He started tracing his hand down the leg I had around his waist, reaching down to grab my ass as he pulled me toward him, and he snaked his other hand up my shirt, palming one of my breasts before he squeezed, almost painfully. It brought me to my senses. I started to think about what this might do to me mentally, and I had second thoughts.

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