Page 46 of Between Wrath and Mercy

ThetentLaveniabroughtme into was huge. There was a small brazier in the center of it with a hole in the top of the tent to vent the smoke out. I could stand in the tent as well, not having to crouch inside. A small table with a chair was set up along the back wall. For what purpose, I could not know. There was a pile of furs and pillows to the left of the desk and a pallet to the right. I’d barely been awake the entire day, and my anger was coursing through my veins so fiercely I didn’t think I’d be sleeping anytime soon. I heard the tent flaps close behind me as Lavenia entered, carrying a small pot of water.

“I need to deal with your neck. Take your bandage off.” I knew she’d have loyalty to her brother, but I had hoped she wouldn’t be cold. Nonetheless, I did what she asked and gently pulled the bandage off as she placed the pot on top of the tray on the brazier. I took my boots off and laid down on the pallet, my head toward the bottom so she’d have full access to my neck. I knew I needed to brace myself; it was going to hurt. Lavenia grabbed the desk chair and set it near me, placing all the items on top, including the pot of hot water.

“So, do you want to tell me what that was all about?” She dipped a cloth into the water and carefully began cleaning my neck. It hurt and felt good at the same time.

“What if I say no?” I nearly hissed the words out as she hit a particularly sensitive spot. It felt like my skin was sloughing off.

“You’re not going to say no.” The words were a challenge, one I knew I’d lose.

“It’s nothing. He keeps bringing up the past, like it’s my fault for the way things turned out.” I winced as she pulled the cloth away, thin pieces of my skin clinging to the fabric.

“It’s not nearly as bad as it seemed earlier. I probably won’t need to stitch it.” I grunted as I felt the familiar bubbling on my skin when she poured something on it, killing any chance of infection. “What do you mean about the past?”

Like I had some sort of choice. Like I could have done anything differently.

“Lavenia, he told me we couldn’t be together while he was still inside me.” I felt her stiffen at the description, but I didn’t falter. “And maybe time has changed his thoughts on the matter, but it doesn’t change the fact I made decisions based on what he said—with what herepeatedwhen I begged him later. I will not make apologies for how I chose to repair myself after he br—The decisions I’ve made and the life I’ve lived are my own, and I will not apologize for a second of it.” My heart had cracked when he said what he did. The crack had spread when I saw Lucia’s face. And it shattered when she died.

“I didn’t know he said that. I’ve always thought you were just so broken it caused you to make some questionable decisions afterwards.” Her voice was quiet as she applied a salve to my wound. It smelled of mint and felt amazing on my torn skin.

“Of course, he didn’t tell you that part.” I snapped. “Did he tell you the part where Lucia looked at me like—like I betrayed her by being with Rainier? It has haunted me ever since.” Even though I bit the words out, I could feel the tears welling up and couldn’t stop them from crashing down onto my face. I’d had years to accept what I’d done, that some of Lucia’s last moments included discovering my omission, my deception. I’d convinced myself a few times if she’d only had time she would have understood, forgiven me. Forgiven us. But an overwhelming part of me still felt nothing but disgust whenever I thought about it. Which, given my company, was more frequent than I ever had before.

“I’ll get you some food.” Lavenia packed up her supplies and left the tent, giving me privacy.

I repositioned on the pallet so I was laying with my feet toward the fire. I let the tears welling up crash over me, just to get them out. Of course, I had wanted a different life for myself, but if Rainier thought I’d dreamed of a life with him, he was mistaken as well. I’d barely let myself dream of a day with him before everything happened, let alone a life. Even if he hadn’t said what he did, even if I’d somehow stopped my marriage to Faxon when I ran, where would that have left us? He’d never have been allowed to court me, let alone marry me. Even if I had made a different decision, I doubted my life would have turned out much differently. Forced to marry Faxon a year later rather than immediately didn’t seem like much of a different life to me at all.

Iwaslyingonmy back, staring at the leather above me, when Lavenia returned with food. The light of the brazier and the small lamp on the table showed what appeared to be veins from whatever poor creature ended up as this section of tent, and oddly, I felt a bit bad for it. Lavenia also had my pack with her and a bottle of wine tucked under her arm.

“It’s stew. Don’t ask me what meat it is, I don’t think either of us want to know.” She sat down on the end of the pallet by my feet and put the bowl on the chair. I sat up and gladly took it. I was ravenous. I didn’t care what the meat in it was, just that it was thick and hearty, full of potatoes and carrots. Delicious. As I ate, Lavenia wrapped the bottle of wine in a fur and started banging it on the ground. I watched her with amusement, wondering what she was thinking and then finally the cork popped out.

“Neat trick.” I smiled as I dredged the bottom of my bowl for the last mouthful of stew.

“Comes in handy.” Her grin widened before she took a swig and then passed the bottle to me. I took a deep drink and felt the warmth spread in my stomach. It probably wasn’t wise to drink too much wine after copious blood loss, but I didn’t care.

“Rainier is sending his spies into Darkhold.” She offered the information casually but tracked my reaction. I wasn’t sure why she cared.

“I didn’t know he had spies.”

“He has a few everywhere but keeps his most trusted on a short leash. They’re shifters.”

That interested me; I’d never met a shifter before. “I think they might be offended by your choice of wording.” She snorted before taking another swig of wine.

“They don’t shift into dogs, they wouldn’t mind. Right after I brought you in here, he went to meet with them. They leave at dawn.” The look on my face must have told her what I was thinking. “Yes, I will wake you for it.” She smiled.

“He has two?” They were rare enough, like most conduits, that I’d never seen one, let alone two.

“They’re twins. You’ll like them. They have the spy personality mastered. Very quiet, very mysterious.” She laughed as she passed the bottle of wine back to me. I felt my heart lurch to think of another set of twins. A complete set. The smile left my face as I began to imagine, not for the hundredth time, what life would be like if Lucia were still alive. She would be a princess. Hell, she might have had children with Rainier by now. The thought actually made me feel a bit nauseated, not heartsick like I would have imagined. Oddly enough, I wondered for the first time, if they’d have gone through with the bonding ritual, would I have ever crossed Rainier’s mind?

“We’ll get her.” Lavenia mistook my melancholy expression for thoughts of Elora, and I felt guilty it wasn’t her I was sad about at that moment. “The twins have been instructed to extricate her if they can do so safely. When we get to Astana, we will figure something out. Negotiations or concessions, violence if necessary. We will get her.” Her voice was full of confidence I didn’t have.

“I hope so. I’m starting to feel rather worthless. All I’ve successfully done is have a panic attack and puke everywhere and then get attacked by an onaán. You three have been busy dealing with more messes I’ve made than anything else.”

“Dewalt said the onaán looked like Rainier.” She studied me, clearly wanting an explanation.

“I thought it was him. I let my guard down.”

“Let it stick its tongue down your throat is what I heard.”

I groaned. “To be fair, it’s not like I had much choice. It pushed me into a tree.”

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