Page 76 of Between Wrath and Mercy

“She wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer the guilt you’ve been carrying this long. She loved you so much, until the end. She pushed you away to protect you. You know that right?” My confusion was evident, so Rainier continued. “She saw where you both were being led, wouldn’t take her eyes off him while you ran. She shoved you toward me, knowing I would protect you.” I felt my eyes water as I listened to him. My sister had been protecting me? I thought I’d been helping her, staying with her since we got separated from the others, but it had been her helping me. She saw the King of Bones and chose to protect me, knowing the fate he likely had planned for her. She should have known I would have died with her. I would have stood with her until the very end. We were born together, and dying to protect each other would have been an honor. I felt the tears slip past my lashes and roll down my cheeks, hot against my water-cooled skin. I held onto his neck, my legs still wrapped around his body, as Rainier’s hands lifted up and cupped my face on either side, brushing the tears away with his thumbs.

“She wouldn’t want you to waste her gift on guilt.” My eyes met his, and I knew he was right. I knew my sister would never want me to feel like I did a lifetime later because I’d never want that for her. I would have wanted her to be happy, marry Dewalt, have ten babies, and never think of me other than in fond memories. I’d maybe expect a namesake out of one of those ten babies, but nothing more. I wished it were me instead of her once again, but this time because I knew she wouldn’t have wasted my gift as I’d wasted hers. I knew I’d done good—helping people in my small town who deserved it. I knew I’d raised a beautiful, kind, and smart daughter, but I’d spent so many years wrapped up in guilt and unable to pursue anything else that might have brought me any happiness.

I leaned in close to him, resting my chin on my arms, circling his neck as I looked up, watching the stars come out. I stayed there locked in his embrace for a while, watching the camp settle for the night and feeling the air grow still. I knew we’d need to get out soon—his body pressed up against me wouldn’t be enough to keep me warm—but he seemed to know what I needed and held me tight against him, slowly rocking us to a song I couldn’t hear. He always seemed to know when I needed that touch, that contact to ground me. Eventually, he pulled back, my arms extending to stay around his neck. It was strangely intimate, but I didn’t shy away.

“My turn?” His eyes burned into mine, flooding with what seemed to be determination and vulnerability. I nodded, but I felt my insides twist around themselves, uncertain what he planned to ask.

“Can I kiss you?” It sounded so innocent and juvenile, I flat out laughed. He smiled his crooked grin while he waited for an answer, not the least bit perturbed I just laughed in his face. I quieted, averting my eyes and tracing a finger across a raised scar on his chest and keeping my eyes averted while I thought about it. He hadn’t done much to regain my trust, but the fact he wanted to meant a lot to me. I still needed to find out if he was planning on calling things off with Keeva because all of this meant nothing if he didn’t. Still, this felt different than the other night. The other night had been because I needed it. I had needed a distraction, something to focus on that wasn’t every mistake I’d ever made or every fear I’d ever had. But this wouldn’t be a kiss born out of need; this would be wanted. His eyes were full of hope when he’d asked just now, and I decided to let myself have it, let myself have a moment which might turn messy and complicated, but a moment that meant I was living. A moment I could own as a first step toward living a life Lucia had died for. A moment in a life of someone who chased happiness instead of hiding within guilt and shame and fear. I lifted my head and saw his smile had faded, his face guarded. I nodded, giving him permission, and I saw surprise flutter across his face before it quickly passed. I gave him a small smile which he returned.

He tucked a wet strand of hair behind my ear then cupped my cheek, tilting my face up to him. He pressed his lips to mine carefully, so painfully soft. His touch was tender and slow, so different from the frenzied kisses we’d shared before. Our mouths parted, and we kissed like that for some time, our lips gently caressing. His hand on my cheek slid back to cup my neck, fingers entwined in my hair, while his other arm wrapped tight around me. He slid his tongue into my mouth and lightly traced it over my own. I made a faint sound of content in the back of my throat, a whimper almost. He squeezed me tighter, a low rumble of appreciation coming from him that licked up my spine. This kiss was slow and calm—reverent. Intimate. I could feel the faint thrum of my divinity, which normally I only felt if I reached for, and I wondered if it was my soul’s way of telling me this kiss was right. Our tongues explored as our lips caressed, and it felt like the most comfortable and natural thing in the world. I could have stayed in his arms all night, kissing him gently under the stars.

He pulled away, tracing my lower lip with his thumb, when he jolted his arm back like he’d been burned. I only had a moment to look at him in confusion when I felt it too. A tingle spread from my shoulder, ending in a slam to my elbow. I yelped, my arm still vibrating from the pain. I spotted a scowl on Rain’s face as he turned us. Dewalt was standing on the shore, arms crossed, appearing for all the world like a disappointed parent.

“I suppose that means it’s time to eat.” He smiled softly before he leaned in to kiss me again. A short one before he jolted backward, another impulse sent down his arm. His eyes flashed to Dewalt in frustration as I grinned. He gave me a mischievous look before he leaned in, speaking quietly.

“Head back to the shore. I’m going to make him regret that.” I grinned as he put me down, and I started to swim until I could touch before I eventually waded back to shore, arms folded across my body. I had a great view when a rift opened above Dewalt, and so much cold water dumped on him it made him fall to the ground. Rainier came falling out of the rift too, drawn down by the water, but he landed gracefully. He laughed so hard he doubled over, watching his best friend laid out on the ground. I finally made it out of the water and headed toward the fire while Rainier pulled Dewalt to his feet. I paused when I heard Rainier’s tone as he addressed his second-in-command.

“There was no need to send an impulse to her. Do not punish her because I have dismissed your concerns.”

Dewalt’s eyes slid to me, standing behind Rainier. I shook my head slightly, eyes wide, hoping he knew I wasn’t upset with him. It did hurt, and my arm was still tingling, but I wasn’t mad. He dipped his head toward Rainier, eyes on the ground before he was dismissed.

Rainier took a few steps toward the fire and grabbed his cloak before he brought it back to me. I hadn’t moved, uncertain how to feel about the way he’d just spoken to Dewalt. On one hand, I didn’t want anyone treating me any differently, but on the other, something warm filled my chest, thinking he’d care enough to spare me from even mild discomfort.

“You didn’t have to do that.” He wrapped me in his cloak and walked me to the fire, his arm around my shoulders.

“You can’t possibly be annoyed with me for helping you avoid impulses. You’ve always hated them.” I laughed because he wasn’t wrong. I saw his smile as he bent down, picking up my pants from the ground and handing them to me. I grabbed them and then hesitated, not wanting to put dry pants on over wet undergarments.

“Right, hold on.” He closed his eyes for a second, and I felt my clothes dry around me as water slid down my legs before he whisked it away with a flick of a wrist. That was a fun, new trick. He grabbed the pants from me and knelt, shaking them open for me to step into. He pulled them up as he stood, fiddling with the buttons, safely out of view under the cloak.

“I liked your shirt better when it was wet.” I felt myself flush, and I took over, fumbling with the buttons of my pants, swatting his hand away. Rainier laughed and grabbed his shirt off the ground and put it back on. It struck me then that he didn’t have to shuck it off when Thyra got it wet; he chose to. The preening bastard.

He walked over to the fire with Lavenia and Dewalt as Mairin walked up to me, dry and in fresh clothes. She looked at me like she was about to say something that would ruin the evening for me, and I shook my head slightly, smiling after the man who was still stealing my heart all these years later, whether I trusted him with it or not.

Chapter 26

Thenightofthelake was spent much like the other nights during our journey. Mairin and Lavenia shared a bottle of wine, and I wondered where they kept getting it and how long they could keep it up. I sat with them for a short time, making idle conversation, while Lavenia asked Mairin about her patients and skills as a healer. Rainier and I had kept the revelation of Mairin being a merrow to ourselves as far as I knew, and I didn’t think my friend planned to share the information. I eventually grew tired, the smoke from the brazier in the tent making it hard to keep my eyes open, so I bundled into my cloak and climbed into my pallet. I didn’t know how long I’d been lying there on the edge of consciousness when I heard someone put a cover on the brazier, darkening the room. I was about to fall back asleep when I heard the two of them whispering, and my name came up.

“After hearing her story and meeting you three, I’m even more sad for Emma than I was before. She’s lost out on so much these years.”

“I know. We’ve missed out too, especially my brother.”

“I don’t think she’s ever been truly happy while I’ve known her.” There was a tightness in my chest when Mairin spoke. Elora had a good life, safe and protected, and I had been content because of it. I was a good mother, and I used my divinity to help people when I could. Maybe to Mairin, happiness meant something more, but I’d been happy enough. I knew things could have been better, but wasn’t that the case for everyone? I almost rolled over to interject before I heard Lavenia.

“She’s held him hostage. My brother had no closure. He’s been looking for it for years. I think he needed it as permission to move on, to find a future in someone else. Mind you, he’s been with other women, but nothing substantive. The last one I even knew the name of was Thyra when she first came to the guard almost a decade ago. None of the others were ever worth me learning their name.”

He’d been with Thyra? I couldn’t blame him; she was absolutely beautiful, a specimen of perfection who even drew my attraction. And it was almost a decade ago? That was quite a long time. I recalled how she pressed her naked body against him today, and I despaired, the beast in the pit of my stomach stirring. He was not mine. I had no claim on him. Not now, and definitely not then. His interactions with her now seemed platonic. I believed whatever they had was long over, but it didn’t stop it from stinging.

“I wouldn’t call what’s happening now closure.”

“No, I wouldn’t either. I was hoping she’d have changed her mind, honestly, but she seemed pretty adamant the other night. Whatever happens with them is going to have to come from her. He’ll never stop unless she makes him.” Lavenia sounded almost bitter, and it was the first time I thought about the fact she might have feelings about the whole situation herself. They both quieted, and I heard them settle into their pallets for the night. I laid there for a while, fully awake and feeling guilty. It took me a long time to fall back asleep.

Thenextmorning,Inoticed the soldiers treating me differently. While all had been polite before, only a few had warmed to me. The ones I’d treated were the only ones who had spoken with me in the past, but with those injured men staying behind with Nana, there were only a few soldiers I interacted with on the journey since leaving Brambleton. The morning after the lake was noticeably different. Where there had mostly been indifference, it seemed opinions about me had changed. Some for the worse, but mostly for the better. As I waited for some sort of oat mash breakfast, everyone who left the line before me gave me a nod. Some even smiled. When one of the men winked at me, I couldn’t help but stare at him as he passed. I shook my head, a bit mind-boggled. A moment later, Thyra was behind me.

“Good morning, Lady Emma.” I turned to her, looking up. She was easily a head taller than me.

“Just Emma will suffice.” I gave a brief smile, my stomach clenching because of my recent enlightenment.

“Good morning, Just Emma.” She grinned. “Please don’t tell the prince.” She leaned down to me conspiratorially, and my stomach relaxed. I smiled at her before turning back around to the front of the line, something about her making it hard to feel uncomfortable. Another group of soldiers smiled at me, one of them offering a quick ‘good morning’ to me, and I nodded, not sure how to react to this sudden attention from people who had barely acknowledged me before. I exhaled a long breath through my lips.

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