Page 79 of Between Wrath and Mercy

“Follow the stream. It leads to the lake. We’d have to swim eventually, but it’s a way out. I checked.” The unspoken words hung in the air between us. For you. I checked for you.

I nodded again, swallowing. A part of me felt a little insane for attempting to go into this cavern. But I was stepping outside of my comfort in so many different ways. What if there was a situation where I’d need to face these fears when rescuing Elora? I’d prefer to do it now than when it mattered.

“Alright.” I set my features, determined.

“Alright?” Rainier looked down at me, a small smile forming while his brows lifted.

“If you get me stuck, I swear to Hanwen I will castrate you.”

“I think you’d eventually come to regret that.” He grinned, and I smacked his arm. “I’ll leave the rift open, and I’ll be right here with you. We won’t get stuck, I promise.” He squeezed my hand in affirmation.

I took a few deep breaths, focusing on breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth as I slowly moved forward. When I took my first step through the rift, I felt my pulse quicken, and I stopped, closing my eyes.

“Listen to my heart, Em.” Rainier’s voice was low and comforting, pulling me back to reality. I reached out, listening to the steady boom. I took a deep breath and started walking farther into the cavern. The trickle of water sounded musical once we were inside, the echoes bouncing off the walls. When we got to the edge of the water, I turned back to look past the rift. Rainier was right about the path to get out, the stream leading toward a dimly lit tunnel. I let out a deep breath before turning back to the pond, and I looked down.

“The descriptions don’t do them justice, do they?” Rainier crouched down, still holding my hand, and I joined him. He was right. There were hundreds of tiny fish swimming in the pond, no longer than my index finger. They were the lightest silver, and they glimmered. In the light of the moon, they were said to glow. Their eyes were large and milky-white, and I was amazed these blind creatures could move around so gracefully. Watching them was mesmerizing, their movements nearly matching the beat of Rainier’s heart. I held my free hand under the trickle of water, rolling my wrist beneath it.

“Do you believe what they say? That this place is god-touched?”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’d say the presence of rare fish is an odd way to show favor.” I chuckled as I said it, and Rainier gave me a strange smile.

“The gods don’t often do what we expect, do they?” His comment struck me as odd because Rainier had never been particularly religious. He’d always been of the same opinion as me. Whatever gods did exist had long since abandoned us.

“You believe in them now?”

“I do. I’ll tell you why someday.” I was curious about what made him come to that conclusion, his heart hammering in his chest. I realized then, I hadn’t been focusing on my own breathing, and I was doing alright, still calm. I stood up, peering above us to the hole in the top of the cavern, the blue sky bright above us, and Rainier joined me. We stood there for a moment, and my arm began to tingle.

“Oh, no.” I gaped at Rainier right as I saw all the muscles in his arm flex, the surge of the impulse going through him with ease. The pain slammed through my arm, much worse than it had been the day before. It brought me back to my senses, realizing where I was, and I felt a pulse of panic thread through me. I struggled to catch my breath for a minute, feeling like something was stuck in my throat. The next thing I knew, Rainier was folding me into his arms, squeezing me close.

“It’s alright. You’re safe. He must not have realized we were together.” I scrambled with my divinity to listen to his heart, the steady beat anchoring me. When he sensed I’d caught my breath, he slowly unfolded his arms and pulled my hand back into his before leading us out of the cavern, back into the open air near the outcropping.

“Thank you, Rain.” I was grateful he shared that with me and was patient while I tried to work through my fear, not pushing me but supporting me by just being there.

“No, thankyou, Em. For trusting me.” He lifted his hand to brush a hair off my face as he leaned toward me. When I realized he was about to kiss me, I froze. Over his shoulder I saw the soldiers—on their mounts and ready to leave. They were waiting on us, some even looking in our direction.

I imagined the man’s face, full of righteous anger and disgust, right before he spat at me.

Whore.

I remembered Lavenia’s voice from the night before.

She’s held him hostage.

Rainier pulled back when he noticed my hesitance, his jaw tight, and a flicker of frustration moved across his features. A cool wind whipped around us, blowing the hair off my face. The air gave me chills, and it felt like a slap of reality. I couldn’t do this with him. My heart had fooled me into thinking it knew what was best for me, and I was going to have to set it straight.

“I—Rain, what are we doing? What is this?” Lavenia said he’d been needing permission to move on. I was causing disquiet within his ranks and hurting his chances at an alliance with Nythyr. I should have been giving him the closure he needed all along rather than sharing stolen moments, sharing breaths after soul-shattering kisses. Allowing myself to distract my aching chest and fool it into thinking this was a mending instead of a painful impossibility. He deserved the closure I didn’t know he was missing. That I didn’t realize I needed as well. What we had these past days wasn’t sustainable. I had nothing to offer him except myself and my daughter, and we were a burden. I could only imagine what they’d say about him at court. His judgment could be called into question. He’d said it himself—he had a duty. And I knew I couldn’t stand between that. He made a choice all those years ago, and he chose Vesta. I couldn’t let it all be for nothing. That was if he even wanted more from me, which I wasn’t sure how he could. Who was I compared to him, compared to Keeva?

“What do you want it to be, Emmeline?” His voice was quiet but edged as he watched me, his eyes dark. I knew he was hanging on to every word I said.

“I don’t think it can be what I want it to be.” I paused while I searched his face, waiting for some sort of reaction to tell if he truly needed to move on like his sister had said. I could give him that, and after his actions earlier I thought I needed to, to keep his soldiers from growing to distrust him. Imagining what would happen if his mother got wind of him beating a soldier over awhorepushed me to continue. “I think I need to give you closure. You should perform the ritual with Keeva. I’ve already managed to—you can’t just kill your soldiers over me, Rain.” His face tightened, and I watched the muscle in his jaw twitch.

“Is that what you want?”

“No, of course it’s not what I want. But what I want doesn’t matter. You’re going to be king, and you have to know how this looks.” I paused and gestured between us. “You’ve wasted so much time.” Waiting for me, searching for me.

“I don’t care what this looks like. What about what I want? What if I don’t want Keeva?”

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