Page 81 of Between Wrath and Mercy

Chapter 27

Therestoftheday passed slowly. The path through the mountains was arduous, requiring focus. Bree did extremely well, picking the sturdiest paths and avoiding areas other horses slipped in. It was a comfort to have her. When Rainier and I caught back up with the guard, he went straight to the front without a word. That was for the best, as I didn’t think we had anything else left to say to one another. My mouth felt raw and swollen, the kiss reluctant to let me forget it. I was picking tree bark out of my hair for the next hour, angry and embarrassed.

No matter his feelings, no matter how he kissed me, the only way forward for us was to move on. He chose duty all those years ago, and I wouldn’t let him waste that choice. I wouldn’t let him waste the sacrifice we both made. He needed to do what Vesta deserved from a king. Vesta needed alliances. Vesta needed a king who wasn’t distracted by an unknown woman—a woman who had already been branded a whore. He’d never be able to be with me in any official capacity, and I would not torture myself any longer pretending to believe in the possibility. Nor was I certain I even wanted that. Though the idea was next to impossible, if somehow it happened, being with him would mean I would be a princess and someday a queen. And where would that leave Elora? No, the idea was even more absurd the longer I thought about it. I had let myself feel something the night of the lake, the possibility of a future, of him being everything I’d ever dreamed of. And then my heart went off the rails, demanding more, demanding everything. It was his to break, and I wanted nothing more than to call his heart my own in turn. But all those years ago, he’d been right. He had known then what I was only beginning to understand. All I could give him was me, and I didn’t think it was enough. He needed to make the best choice for Vesta after all this time. Lavenia was right; I’d held him hostage.

I began to spiral. It had been over three days since Prince Cyran’s illusion, and the thought of seeing Elora soon was the only thing keeping me moving, eager to carry on and not circle down into hopelessness. I steered clear of my friends in the middle of the caravan. Mairin had melded right in with Dewalt and Lavenia, which didn’t surprise me. She was kind and funny, and being around them seemed to draw out her personality even more. I could see her flaming hair from time to time when she tilted her head back in a laugh. The sight brought me a smile every time.

Surprisingly, Dickey stayed with me for most of that day. I believed with his friend gone, he was lonely. A part of me wondered if perhaps Rainier had sent him back to me because an hour or so after we arrived with the guard, I found Dickey waiting off to the side for me, a goofy smile on his face. “Lady Emma!” He waved, and I smiled at him, genuinely happy to see my young friend.

“Maybe one day I’ll break you of calling me lady.”

“The prince would break me first before that happened,” he laughed.

“The prince can go—” I stopped, choosing different words than all the ones venomously flowing through my mind. “The prince can be rather pig-headed.” The words that came out were still not kind but nicer than what I’d been thinking.

Dickey sputtered with laughter and quickly assumed a neutral expression which softened after a moment. “I heard about Makas. He got what he deserved.” I was confused for a moment before realizing who he spoke of. My hands tightened on Bree’s reins, not certain if I wanted to discuss the topic further. “No one else agrees with what he said, you know.” I appreciated the sentiment, but I cringed internally. Of course, word had spread of what he’d said, even if he didn’t say it in the common tongue. And despite what Dickey said, I was sure there were some who agreed with the man. I tried to smile at the boy, but I was sure it seemed more like a grimace than anything.

“I’m serious. Not a single person I’ve talked to is upset he was banished.” I nodded. At least there was that. “There is a split about you healing him, though.” He gave me a sheepish smile.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, some people thought healing him was foolish because he didn’t deserve it. Others thought it was a valiant show of mercy.”

“And what do you think, Dickey? Was I foolish or merciful?” It didn’t matter, but I was curious what he thought.

“Merciful. The ones who see it as foolish didn’t see you wield a sword against Prince Rainier.” He grinned. “I know you’re capable of being merciless when pressed.” I felt myself grinning back as my face heated. “I was surprised you lasted as long as you did. I knew you had some training from when you asked for the swords, but notthat.”

We passed some time then with me filling the silence with details of my life at Ravemont and the time spent at Crown Cottage where I’d trained with Dewalt and Rainier. He asked a lot of questions about what Rainier, Lavenia, and Dewalt had been like when they were younger—his age, I realized. The rest of the time not spent talking about my formative years was spent in quiet or hearing about Dickey’s life.

He had grown up knowing Rainier for most of his life. When Dickey’s mother died, his father didn’t know what to do with the child, still too young to be unattended. Rainier had given the soldier a year of pay while he mourned the loss of his wife and handled his affairs to ensure Dickey’s care. And when his father died a few years ago, Rainier sought him out, offering him a job as a stable hand. Eventually, Dickey convinced Rainier to let him join the guard, and he’d been training ever since.

Dickey introduced me to the soldiers around me, who all seemed deeply respectful and refused to call me anything but Lady Emmeline, much to my chagrin. When the party finally stopped for the evening, I was grateful and freezing. I’d pulled out Lucia’s black cloak and wore it on top of the blue one, my hair tucked into the crimson scarf of hers I’d wrapped around my neck. It was soft and smelled faintly of cucumber, allowing me to pretend she was just not around at the moment, waiting to yell at me for stealing her scarf. I spent a fair amount of time in front of the fire warming myself, all while keeping a watchful eye out for Rainier. I didn’t know if I wanted to see him or not. But when I finally decided to go to the tent, and I hadn’t caught sight of him, I felt the small curl of disappointment in my stomach. Should I have sought him out? What would I say to him? When I opened the flap to the tent, Lavenia was in there already taking off her boots.

“Emma.” Her nod was curt, and I wondered why. Evidently, I’d angered more than just Rainier with our fight that morning. I nodded back before I undressed and climbed into my pallet. I laid there for a while, replaying the earlier argument. I couldn’t believe all of the events of the day. Rainier almost killed someone, he helped me face my fears and go into the cavern, and then we’d fought. And kissed. There was a lot to think about, yet I didn’t want to think about any of it. I decided I wasn’t going to try to discuss things with him again until after Elora was back; my head wasn’t in the right place. If he called off his engagement with Keeva in the meantime, then it might provide me with more clarity. Or she’d kill me, and it wouldn’t matter.

Despite the stupidity of it, I let my mind wander and allowed myself to visualize a scenario where things could be different. I couldn’t offer anything to Rainier but burden. It wasn’t the first time I damned my divinity. If I were more powerful, more rare, a capable conduit…I stopped myself. There was no sense going down that road.

I traced my finger over my lips and ran a tongue over a sore spot where he’d bit me. Even though he came at me all feral and demanding, I hadn’t been afraid of him. I thought about him grinding his hips into mine and remembered his words. I wasn’t sure if what he said was supposed to comfort me or not. That every woman he’d been with had been some sort of stand-in for me.

What he’d said about Faxon had been a slap to the face. When I let Faxon into my bed it wasn’t as if I was an eager participant. Surely, he had to know that. I had been nearly catatonic, lost in grief, and barely present. I hadn’t told him no, knowing what would come with marriage, what was expected of us, but I hadn’t told him yes, either. I hadn’t imagined anything, let alone Rainier, because I wasn’t truly there. In the years since, there were occasions where Faxon forced other things on me. Things I didn’t want to do but weren’t going to cause a child. It was rare, and it only happened when he’d been drinking. When he’d force me to use my hand, never bothering with my mouth since I’d threatened to bite. When he would grab my wrist so hard, I was afraid he’d break it. When he would take my hand and put it on him, refusing to let me go until he was done working himself with it. I wasn’t sure if it made him feel powerful or what. I knew his own hand would have felt better. The first time he did it, my thoughts had gone to Rainier, only because of the one time I’d grippedhimbefore he had slid into me. But any time after, I specifically didn’t think of Rainier. I didn’t want to taint the memory. So, I tucked him away, wiping my mind blank.

It was only after those moments, the days and weeks after Faxon stole parts of me, when I let myself think of Rainier. When I’d touch myself to reclaim my hands, knowing they were for my pleasure, not Faxon’s. My hands were mine to control, belonging only to me. Moments when I let myself think of my hand around Rainier and the sting of him. When I let myself think about his expression. When he gazed into my eyes as he moved inside me, desire and adoration on his face. It wasn’t Faxon’s hands I imagined were Rainier’s. It was my own. And I hadn’t done it to try to forget him like he’d been doing when he imagined me. I did it to remember him. To remember what it felt like in the moment to be cherished and cared for. To not feel alone or weak or pitiful. Even though he didn’t choose me in the end, every moment we were together, I had always felt precious.

In the quiet of the tent, I remembered all of those things, and I found myself wondering if Rainier was also struggling to sleep. Had he told Dewalt what we’d said? I felt well and truly alone, and I found myself crying quietly. The straw in my pallet poked into me, and I was reminded exactly why I was here and what we were doing.

I missed Elora. I missed checking on her at night even after she was old enough to not need me to do it. I missed lowering the wick in her lamp when she stayed up too late reading. I missed her laugh and easy smile. I mourned our life we had because I knew it would never be the same. Even after we got her back, if she wasn’t completely traumatized, the simple life we had led was over. I knew nothing would ever be the same, and I felt my heart tear in two. I did my best to keep my sobbing quiet, and thankfully Lavenia left me to it. I fell asleep before Mairin ever even joined the tent.

Ididn’tseeRainierat all the next morning, and it started to bother me. Mairin was nowhere to be found when I woke up, although the rumple in her bedroll told me she’d at least slept in the tent. Lavenia was still cold with me, and I debated saying something to her, but what was there to say? When Dewalt came up in line behind me while I waited for breakfast, I gave him a tight smile over my shoulder, wondering if he’d speak to me, not sure I wanted him to.

“I’ve been sent to check on you.” His tone was pleasant but not particularly open. I tried to keep the relief out of my face. I didn’t want anyone to know how desperately lonely I’d felt the last day. I didn’t understand it; I’d been alone for so long—why did that one day feel worse than all those years combined? Perhaps because I’d had a taste of what it could be like, and I didn’t want to let go of it.

“Rainier?” He bowed his head in affirmation but said no more. “I’m fine.” I turned away.

“Spoken like someone who isn’t fine,” Dewalt grumbled behind me.

“Why did he sendyou?”

“You certainly woke up in a good mood.” I turned and saw his eyebrows raised high, a look of unimpressed boredom on his face. “I was the only one who volunteered.” Had they called a meeting to discuss who drew the short straw? Had it been such a chore that Dewalt was the only one who wanted to speak to me? Not even Mairin? It felt like a betrayal. And like any other time when my feelings were hurt, I lashed out.

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