Page 86 of Between Wrath and Mercy

“It is important to me that you are comfortable with Thyra.”

“What?” I sputtered. That wasn’t what I expected. “I am.” It was Rainier’s turn to be surprised. “I know you and her—never mind, it doesn’t matter. I like her.” My smile was sheepish, and his gaze narrowed.

“I was left with a distinct impression after our last conversation that it was a point of contention for you. I feel compelled to explain the nature—”

“I’d rather you not. It’s fine.” I thought I was being rather accommodating and understanding, but I wasn’t sure if hearing about things between them was something I could handle. He took one of my hands in both of his and started tracing the lines of my palm. It was soothing, the only reason I didn’t pull away, allowing him to continue.

“What she went through, that’s not my place to talk about. But I can talk about what was happening with me.” He swallowed, and his eyes followed his fingertips, gently moving across my skin. “I found out you were gone. You know, a part of me—perhaps a delusional part—thought you wouldn’t have married him. I had faith you’d weasel out of it because I never knew you to do something you didn’t want to do.” He sighed, looking up with remorse in his emerald gaze. “But I’d just found out you were married and gone, and Thyra and I were drunk, and we both had things we were working through.” He paused, and when he started speaking again, his voice had found the resolve it needed to finish saying what he needed to say. “It was my first time since you and her first time by choice.”

He stared down at my hand, his perfect features clouded with emotion. I turned over what he’d said in my mind. Thyra was his first time since me, seeking comfort after finding out I was gone. But based on all the conversations I’d had recently, I gathered it took them some time to find out. How long had he stayed celibate after me? Even though he’d said as much during our argument, I was still surprised to know I had that much of an effect on him. I wasn’t sure why he felt the need to tell me about Thyra specifically. Between the gossip and his own admissions, it was clear there were plenty of women. I didn’t expect him to abstain when there was no hope of reconciliation between us. Why would I have expected him to remain faithful to something that didn’t exist? My desire to avoid court wasn’t so much about Thyra as it was about being reminded and perhaps adjudicated against the women with whom he’d shared parts of himself. It felt like torture, especially if we could never be more.

Unless Mairin was right.

I pushed the thought away. Even if I was his twin flame, not all twin flames ended up together in every lifetime. In fact, the histories of twin flames were often bloodied and tragic. Thyra didn’t bother me much, for whatever reason. I thought of the monster residing in my stomach, dormant for half my life yet awakened in his presence, and knew it reacted toward Thyra just as it did toward Mairin. I cared for both women, respected them. Thyra treated me as an equal, as a friend. I wasn’t certain about her choices of nicknames for me, but I liked her. Besides, it sounded like what they had done was more about comfort than it was anything else. I squeezed his hand.

“It’s alright, Rain.”

“She has become one of my most trusted soldiers and a good friend. It never happened again, and, quite frankly, she’s a little disgusted it ever did.” He forced out a dry laugh. “But I will release her from her vow if you wish it.”

Ah.

He was afraid I’d want him to send his friend away. A friend who had comforted him in a time of weakness, one caused by me, however unintentional it was. His friend who had started to become my friend. Instead of worrying about why I’d have any sway in his decision and bringing it to his attention, I chose kindness and understanding instead.

“Of course not, Rain.” I brought up my other hand, and I cupped his in my own. “Besides, she tackled the soldier who—well, I’d like her on my side when there’s a real threat.” Rainier bristled, but it didn’t stop the light in his eyes as his gaze met mine. “Come on. I’m tired.”

I dropped his hand and turned toward our tents awaiting us. I was exhausted, but I knew I needed to talk to Mairin. A few steps later, I hadn’t heard Rainier start to walk after me, and I glanced over my shoulder to see him still standing there, watching me. I jerked my head up the path, giving him a look to get him to follow, and he finally moved, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I don’t think I’ll ever figure you out, Emmeline Highclere.”

“No,” I agreed. “But if you do, let me know. We could compare notes.”

Bythetimeeveryonesettled in, snow had started to come down. Though it was still early into autumn, the mountains didn’t seem to care about the seasons, the air cold and blistering. There was a cave carved out of the side of the mountains with perfect coverage from the wind and elements—a hospitable place to make camp. It was more than big enough to accommodate everyone, including a giant fire in the center, painting shadows on the walls around us. When we came to the mouth of the cave, I paused for a second, Rainier a step behind me.

“I can rift you directly into your tent if you want.”

“You’ve been in it?” I grinned at him cheekily, and his cheeks darkened. Had I embarrassed him?

“Well, no. I suppose I’d rift you into my tent first, but it’s a much shorter walk.”

Dewalt had asked me if it would be alright when he’d scouted the location, and of course, I said yes. It was safe and warm, a boon for the soldiers. I supposed I could have insisted on my own tent being outside the cave, but it seemed a fussy thing to ask. When I’d answered, I’d remembered braving the cavern with Rainer, and perhaps I was a bit too confident. My breath hitched, and my hands felt sweaty as I stared past the fire where I knew my tent waited.

“No, it’s fine.” I took a few steps in and counted my breaths, the anxious habit forcing itself on me. But I was doing alright. I didn’t like how many people were in the cave at once, but at least the opening was wide and visible. I kept walking, my eyes locked on my goal. I didn’t even realize my hands were shaking until I felt Rainier’s large, warm one sliding into mine, his fingers lacing with my own.

Embarrassed, I whispered to him, “My hand is sweaty.”

“I know,” he whispered back before squeezing tighter. I smiled as I focused on his thumb gently circling the back of my hand. When we finally reached the tent, Rainier held the tent flap open, and I started to walk through, dropping his hand. He held on a moment longer than I did, and I considered not letting go.

It made no sense that inside the tent, much smaller than the cave, I felt safe rather than crowded, but such was the nature of the beast. It especially made no sense that it wouldn’t feel crowded, considering it was. Thyra, Dewalt, Lavenia, and Mairin were scattered about the tent, comfortably chattering with each other. Dewalt was lying on my pallet, so I slid his legs off as I sat down on the end of it. He sat up and shoved a bottle of wine into my hands. Rainier still stood in the opening, surveying his friends in front of him. Mairin and Lavenia were sharing their own bottle of wine, sitting on one of their pallets, while Thyra stretched out on another. I took a long swig from the bottle before holding it out, watching Rainier.

“A thousand men from Skos alone, Rainier. Declan wants war.” Dewalt nodded to the bottle I held out. “Drink.”

Rainier took a few steps across to me, taking the bottle out of my hand before tilting it back, taking a long draw of it before he spoke. “Why are we all here? Our tent is bigger.”

“I go where she tells me.” Dewalt nodded toward Lavenia, who seemed to be having an intense conversation with Mairin, both of their heads tilted toward the other. I knew I still needed to talk to her, but Mairin seemed occupied. I wondered if I was reading more into it than I should have been, but I had the distinct impression the rest of us were intruding.

“Scoot.” Rainier walked over to the end of my pallet where I sat and bent over, putting a hand to the side of my thigh and pushing me closer to Dewalt. I slid, glad to break the contact sending shocks ricocheting through me, and he sat down next to me.

“Do you think it will come to war, or do you think Cyran’s coup will be successful?” I sat back a bit so Dewalt and Rainier could see each other, and the three of us could talk with ease, passing the bottle back and forth.

---