Page 97 of Between Wrath and Mercy

I smiled as I tilted my head back. I didn’t know where things would go from here, but I knew the two of us would weather it together.

Dewalt came up next to us, and the two men began to discuss where to make camp. They had to be careful because of where different fields were in the process of planting. Between the two of them, they decided to stop a short while later, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how they knew to stop. It all looked the same to me.

While everything was being set up, I sparred with Rainier, Dewalt calling out instructions and criticism throughout. After a while, thoughIwas freezing, Rainier took his shirt off, and I nearly got stabbed, distracted by him. He came rushing at me, all bared muscle and naked flesh, and I forgot where I was. I snapped out of it at the last second, barely twisting out of his way and deflecting the blow he’d intended to give. Dewalt had launched into a fit of laughter, and Rainier chuckled, giving me a chance to catch my breath. I glared but couldn’t help my smile. Eventually, Lavenia and Mairin came to watch, bundled up in a cloak together, the winds piercing on the plains. I worked on my patience while we trained, waiting for a better opening instead of settling for the fastest one. By the end of it, we both had a sheen of sweat coating us, and I threw myself down onto the ground near our friends.

“I prefer you both when you’re not fighting.” Lavenia grinned as she said it, and I threw a clump of grass at her. Rainier groaned as he sat down next to me, shirt back on, relaxed with his elbows resting on his knees. The five of us sat there for a long while, just lounging and chatting. Mairin had revealed to Dewalt and Lavenia that she was a merrow, and I was glad to not have to keep a secret from them. She spent some time talking to us about her years since coming to land but refused to speak of where she came from. My heart ached to know she had family and a life in the water she could never return to.

Eventually, Rainier laid down next to me, pulling my hand into his and rubbing it. It felt incredible, considering how sore I was because of my sword. The more I used the thing, the more I realized I needed a new one or to attempt to fix it. The balance wasn’t quite right, and the grip was loosening.

A while later, as we sat around the fire and ate, I suddenly realized I didn’t know which tent to go to. I was sure I’d be welcome in either, but it felt presumptuous to assume one over the other. I decided I’d wait and see which one Dewalt went into, and then choose the other. It seemed like a better plan than asking. What I didn’t plan on was his strategy being the same as mine. We both stood outside the two tents with the packs we’d retrieved from our horses and waited in silence together, everyone else having already retreated inside.

“You know, I’m fine with either, Emma.” His arms were crossed, and he peered down at me.

“Come talk with me.” I grasped him by the hand, not giving him a choice but to follow me. When I sat back down by the fire, he plopped down beside me with long legs bent at the knee and his legs spread wide as he began to draw on the ground with a stick. “Do you ever feel guilty?”

“Plenty, but I assume you mean something specific?” He chuckled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. I think he knew this was a serious conversation, and it meant a great deal to me to choose to confide in him.

“About…moving on without her? Without Lucia?”

“No, because I haven’t.” He shrugged. “I have felt guilty fornotmoving on, though.”

I studied his features, harsh in the light of the fire. His sharp nose and angled cheekbones cast dark shadows across his face, making him look less approachable than the typical smiling Dewalt.

“What do you mean?” He dropped his stick, staring down at the swirls he’d been drawing in the dirt.

“She would’ve wanted me to find a love like ours, and I never did. It’s impossible, but she would have wanted me to try, and I never have. I feel some guilt over that, but not enough to make an effort.” He let out a sigh. “You know, I’d forgotten the details of her face, the exact shade of blue.” He looked at me, staring into my eyes, memorizing the exact color she and I had shared. “Thank you for helping remind me.” I nodded, not trusting myself to speak and stay composed. He let out a long breath before he leaned over, bumping his shoulder into my arm. “Sounds like you’re feeling guilty, mouse.”

A flood of affection for my friend spread through me at the nickname. I’d earned it by creeping up on him and Rainier one night when they were trying to sneak out of the Cottage. It was our first summer there without our parents, and it was the turning point when we’d stopped being a nuisance to the older boys and instead became friends. I quietly sidled up next to them, scaring them half to death, and insisted on joining their late-night mischief, daringly stealing a bottle of wine from the kitchens to impress them. I smiled, then took a breath to explain.

“I’ve been allowing myself to be distracted by all of this,” I gestured between myself and the tent Rainier currently occupied, “Because it keeps me from thinking about Elora. I feel guilty I’m not weeping over her every waking second. But I can’t, I can’t let myself fall into that, or I won’t be of any use. And, I guess, part of me just has a feeling everything is going to be fine, or at least close to it. I’m hopeful it will all work out because of Rain’s optimism. He is keeping me sane in one way and driving me mad in another.

“I feel guilty Lucia died protecting me, and I’m here barely living. How can you feel guilty for two opposite things? I feel wrong for not living the life she’d have wanted for me, and I feel wrong when I try to live that life and accept all of this with him. You know, she’s almost been dead longer than I ever had her, and it doesn’t feel like it’s any easier. Will it ever get easier?”

Dewalt chuckled then and put his arm around my shoulders. “No, I don’t think it will. We just learn to take one day at a time and hope it doesn’t kill us. You want my opinion, though?”

“Of course, always.”

“You’ve spent enough time doing it one way. I think it’s time to stop punishing yourself and try the opposite.”

I sat there for a few minutes with him, leaning into my friend and thinking. Eventually, I looked up from the fire and saw Rainier standing in the entrance to his tent, hands in his pockets as he watched us. I stood then, grabbing my pack, and leaned down, kissing Dewalt on the cheek.

“Thank you, friend,” I called over my shoulder as I crossed the distance to my tent, Rainier’s eyes fixed on me the entire time, a guarded expression on his face. He maintained the expression until the last second, when I stood on tiptoe and pushed my lips to his, one hand snaking up his neck. After a moment, I broke away and edged past him, straight into the life my sister wanted for me.

Chapter 32

Thenextmorning,Iwoke up on the ground between the two pallets Rainier had pushed together the night before. In our sleep, we must have somehow slid them apart and fell between. His insistence on taking care of me, long after my headache had dissipated, was a source of contention the night before. But this morning, I was grateful for it, likely the only reason we were fully clothed and protected from the cold ground below us. When we first laid down, Rainier held me close, all soft caresses and kisses. Neither of us spoke, enjoying the easy silence after I chose us by going to his tent. His guarded expression told me he might have been anticipating another outburst from me, but I was done with that. I was leaning into this. This love was a light, a love that came back to me and brought me back to the land of the living. It was a love that made me want more—from him, from us, from life. I knew I needed to tell him about the twin flame nonsense but wasn’t sure how he’d react, and since I wasn’t ready for anything to change more than it already had, I kept it to myself.

When I opened my eyes, I studied Rainier’s face, slack with sleep. The scar through his eyebrow was the biggest one on his face, but I noticed another small one across the bridge of his nose and one at the top of his chin, a slight marring of the demarcation between his mouth and the skin below it. I reached up, lightly tracing his full lower lip, and as he began to stir, I leaned forward and gave him a closed kiss. He made a soft groaning sound and pulled me in closer to him, and kissed me back, trying to part my lips with his tongue. I’d yet to replace my toothbrush after accidentally stepping on it, shattering the bone handle. I hoped the shops in Astana had a more diverse selection. I pulled back from him, murmuring about morning breath, to which he kissed me more enthusiastically. I laughed and leaned into the kiss, returning the ardor. When he finally pulled away and opened his eyes to look at me, I got lost in them, the flecks of gold vivid in the low light.

“It seems we’ve broken our bed.” There was a sparkle of amusement in his eyes as he spoke.

“It would seem so.”

“I could have thought of better ways to break it.” I rolled my eyes as he leaned in and kissed me again before he flipped onto his back. “We will only ride for a few hours today, and then I’ll rift us to my home in the city.”

“When was the last time you were there?”

“Maybe a year ago? I don’t imagine the servants have changed the place too much, so rifting shouldn’t be a problem.”

---