Page 100 of Between Despair and Hope

“I’m tired, Rain. I don’t think you—Do you think I don’t have nightmares? Over losing you? Over what I did to those women? Over what I saw happen to our daughter? Do you think I’m unfamiliar?” She bit out the words but lost her steam halfway through, as if it exhausted her just to talk about. Yanking her cloak off and sitting on an armchair to unlace her boots, she sighed before continuing. “Kingdoms, years, and utter devastation, Rain.”

She looked up at me as she pulled the braid out of her hair, her ocean depths drowning me.

“It means—”

“It means I’ll wait.” She nodded as she cut me off, standing to wiggle out of her breeches. Gods, the way she swayed made me twitch, and I wanted to toss her on the bed and use my fingers and tongue to make those hips grind up into me.

Too bad I’m a fucking coward.

“Just—You can’t tease me like this, alright? I have left you alone, done what you asked of me. And I’ll keep doing it. But don’t make me think I’m getting you back when I’m not,” she said, trailing off into a whisper. I closed my eyes, clenching my fist. Gods, I didn’t deserve her.

“I’m going to kiss you—if you’ll let me,” I added.

“That’s not fair. You know I’d never turn away your kiss.”

Cheeks still pink from the cold, standing in nothing but her shirt and thick socks pulled halfway up her shins, wavy hair tumbling past shoulders rounded with rejection—the sight of her made me think I was strong enough to stay. It was dangerous. Crossing the distance between us, I allowed my hand to snake up her neck into her hair, and she bowed into my touch.

Leaning down, I whispered, “You’re too important.” I pressed my mouth to her jaw, just under her ear. “You’re the answer to everything.” Another kiss, moving toward her lips. “I want to be selfish with you. I want to take risks to be near you.” She tilted her head, giving me a better angle to pepper her skin with soft kisses. “But you’re the Beloved, and that makes you the answer to all of it.”

Moving to her mouth, our breath mingled as my lips hovered over hers. Wide blue eyes, unencumbered by frustration or fear or hesitation blinked up at me, hiding nothing.

“Too many people depend on you, depend onmeto protect you. We have to fix all of this. If not for our future, for Elora’s. I can’t risk you.”

A tear slipped forth from her lashes, and I closed my eyes, finally pressing my lips to hers. The kiss had little passion but instead held every emotion we couldn’t explain. When she finally pulled away, pressing her forehead against mine, I would have changed my mind if she hadn’t slid her hands up my chest, holding me there as she took a step away.

“I understand,” she whispered. “I’ll wait as long as you need me to.”

Less than an hour later, head in my hands as I sat on the edge of the bed upstairs, I reached out, using Emma’s divinity to listen to the heartbeats in the vicinity. It was no surprise Elora’s heart was steady, just on the other side of the hall. I’d peeked my head in to say goodnight, in case she was still up. We’d had a cordial sort of friendship so far, but my favorite part was when we said goodnight to one another. She’d been thinking of different names to call me, each one more ridiculous than the last. She had called me Snoots the night before after she witnessed a sneezing fit, and I’d laughed so hard it brought a tear to my eye. She eventually just settled on calling me by my name. It didn’t hurt, not truly, but I yearned for a day when she might think of me as something more.

The girl had a wonderful sense of humor, but I wondered how much of it was for show. Occasionally, I’d find her staring off in the middle-distance, eyes glazing over. And her drawings of the prince were hard to miss. I wanted to respect her wishes, wanted us to pretend he never existed. Considering I wanted to ensure he no longer existed at all, it wasn’t an easy task, but I did my best. Tonight was the most fatherly I’d felt toward her when I had picked her book up from where it lay, pages bent under her elbow, and blew out the lamp on her nightstand.

A smile on my face thinking of my daughter, I reached farther, finding Mairin’s faster beat next to Elora’s room. Her heart always beat faster than everyone else’s, and I assumed it had to do with her being a merrow. Next was Sterling, his beat slow and steady as he slept in his quarters off the kitchen. Less pinpointed, I cast the net of my divinity farther, counting the five soldiers I had on watch outside of the estate. I’d brought them with me after my visit to the temple, and it made me feel more assured of Em’s safety. Even though we still had the wards up, I couldn’t be too careful. Those checks out of the way, I reached out once more. Toher.

She wasn’t sleeping, I knew that. I’d heard the bathwater running after I left her suite. But her heart raced, and I felt something through the bond.

Lust.

Fuck.

One of the golden strings vibrated, and I felt it in my gods damn balls. I was hard within seconds. A clear mental image of her naked body in the bathtub assaulted my senses. I kicked myself for taking the time to check every heartbeat on the grounds before I got to hers. Desire and longing flooded the bond, and I wondered if she’d been keeping it at bay until she felt me.

Divine hell. She had to be close, her heart pounding fast.

Spearing my thoughts at the bond, I let her feel my desire as I fisted myself, stroking my length to the beat of her heart. She caressed the threads between us, letting me know she was there, and gods, if I didn’t consider racing down the stairs to her. But the thunderous beat reached a tipping point, and I was about to finish. Relief and love and longing passed down the bond to me, flowing through my body, and the thread between us glowed brighter in the recesses of my subconscious, pushing me over the edge with her.

“Come on,” she whispered, tugging my hand as we raced down one hall of Crown Cottage.

I didn’t know how she’d come all the way to my rooms without alerting anyone, though it shouldn’t have been any wonder considering Dewalt’s nickname for her. She always brightened when he called her mouse. It surprised me she didn’t wake him or bring Lucia with her. Something about her wanting only me had my heart speeding up.

I shouldn’t have been thinking about her like that.

It was a good thing I hadn’t fallen asleep yet when she rapped on my door, quick and quiet, and started whispering nonsense I couldn’t understand. I’d pulled on my breeches in a hurry and thrown my robe on. When I had opened the door, she bounced on her toes, a gleam in her eye which brought a smile to my face.

“I found it,” she’d exclaimed, beaming.

“Found what?” I’d asked, distracted by the wide smile on her face. Always so serious, it was rare I got to see it on her.

“Oh, come on.” She had scowled and grabbed my hand before running down the hall.

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