Page 104 of Between Despair and Hope

“Youwerehis, baby. I’m so sorry for what he did. I knew he wasn’t a good man, but he wasn’t as bad as his brothers or the other men who my father could have forced me to marry, but if I had known he could do something like that, I never would have—”

“Stop, Mama. That’s getting annoying.” Cautiously, I sat up straighter. I hadn’t meant to upset her. Her frustration felt almost like a slap. We’d had such a lovely day together, and I didn’t want to ruin it. Her features softened as she looked over at me. “This is about Papa and how horrible he is. Was. Not about the mistakes you made. You keep doing that. You keep making it about how you messed up. It’s not all about you.”

My mouth snapped shut, and I nodded. She was right. This wasn’t about me. This was about her sadness over the man who raised her. It wasn’t fair or right of me to turn her grief into my guilt.

“Was he so angry at you for what you did that it made him hate me, too?”

“I don’t know.” I’d already explained to her that I’d done nothing wrong to Faxon. I hadn’t known, hadn’t thought it was possible for Rain to be her father. “He might have thought I did it intentionally. That I’d known you weren’t his and fooled him into raising you.”

I stopped myself from laughing at the idea. If I had known she was Rain’s, I would have left Faxon the moment I realized. If I had thought it was possible what we did had created a child, I would have refused to marry Faxon when I did. I’d have told Rain everything. I never would have let him go.

“But that’s not my fault,” she whispered. “Papa almost got me killed. Did get me killed? I don’t know anymore.” She sighed, tilting her head back against the sofa. “The shifter’s father took the girl fishing in this book. It reminded me of him.”

“That’s normal, Elora. You miss what you thought he was. I—He had moments of kindness with me. I won’t say I miss him, but I mourn the good parts of him. And it’s alright to feel that way. It doesn’t make what he did any less terrible.”

She leaned her head on my shoulder, turning the book over in her lap to hold the page.

“Would you have married Rainier if you knew I was his? Would they have made you? Oh gods, would we have beenmurdered? They murder bastard children all the time in books. Am I still a bastard since you’re married now?”

“You know, I don’t know. I’ll have to ask.” I chuckled, cutting off her rapid-fire questions. She would go for an hour if I let her. “But no, we wouldn’t have been murdered. He would have protected us with everything he had. I don’t know what I would have done. I suppose I would have started by letting him know he had a perfect little girl. I wouldn’t have told him about your eyes, though.” I smiled. “I’d have let him figure your light out for himself the first time you cried for him. Just like I had to.”

I heard her smile when she said, “It doesn’t happen that often anymore. I’ve gotten better at controlling it.”

“That’s wonderful, honey. I’m—I haven’t told you how proud of you I am.” I rested my head on hers. “You’re stronger than anyone I know. Stronger than me, that’s for sure.” I turned, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. She smelled of citrus and sunshine, and I breathed deep.

“I didn’t really do anything.”

“I wouldn’t call biting someone’s ear off nothing. Learning how to walk again? Forgiving your short-sighted mother? Getting to know Rain?” She snorted as I slid an arm around her shoulders. “How is that going? I’ve tried not to bother you both about it, but I can’t help but wonder.”

“He’s very kind. He seems to enjoy my company. I don’t know. How’s it supposed to go?”

“Well, I suppose just getting to know one another is the first step.”

“Uh, well, I guess that’s going fine. He doesn’t like fishing, so at least I’ll never get dragged along for that. And—” She grinned, his crooked smile spreading wide on her face. “He thinks I’m quite clever.Helikes my jokes.”

I chuckled, rolling my eyes. “I like your jokes too, Elora.”

“Not as much as he does. He really laughs, not like your laughs, where you pretend to think it’s funny so you don’t hurt my feelings.”

About to argue with her, I stopped when Thyra stormed into the back room where we sat, looking between Elora and me. She’d been chatting with the shopkeeper, the small man I’d met before—Reminy—and by the look on her face, it seemed someone we knew had come into the shop. She widened her eyes at me and then glanced over at Elora. I picked up her meaning, but so did Elora.

“Why hasn’t he gone back to Folterra?” She snapped at me, whipping her head off my shoulder to look at me.

“We aren’t forcing him to go back to Folterra. If Cyran wants to coordinate with the rebels while safe in Astana, we aren’t going to stop him.”

“Mama, he ki—”

“I know what he did. And I know why he did it. Your blood is on all our hands. His, mine, Faxon’s. You miss Faxon, you’ve forgiven me, and something tells me you miss Cyran too. I know how sorry he is, and I know you are soft-hearted behind all of that sass andjustifiedanger.”

Thyra nodded at me, backing out of the room and leaning against the door frame, blocking anyone’s entrance. I felt the heat of Elora’s glare on the side of my face, but I turned to look at her with a brow raised.

“If it was different, if you had to do what Cyran did to save the world, to save me, for example, would you have?” Her jaw clenched, her temple flexing. Gods, did she look like Rain when she was mad. “I’m not forcing you to talk to him, to even look at him if you don’t want to. We can slip out the back entrance here, if you’d like. Besides, if you avoid him long enough, he’ll probably leave and go back to Folterra all on his own. To be honest, I hope he doesn’t. At least here, he is better protected.” Glancing over at the clock on the wall, I felt bad. We’d only been out for a couple hours, and I didn’t want to cut it short for her, but I couldn’t stay. “I have to go. Do you want me to take you back to the estate, or do you want to stay with Thyra?”

“Stay. I’ll stay,” she nearly shouted.

I chuckled, pulling her closer to me. “Your legs aren’t too sore?”

“I’m fine, Mama. The only thing that might ruin my day is a person out there.” She nodded toward the door Thyra had passed through. “And Thyra will keep him away if I ask her to, right, Thyra?” she called out.

---