Page 106 of Between Despair and Hope

Wakingupwithherarm around my waist had been a gods damn dream after a slumber full of endless nightmares. It had taken a moment for me to understand it was real. I had breathed deep, inhaling the scent of her. She’d gone back to using her soap—I’d brought mine to the bathing suite attached to my room, not giving her much of a choice. I had taken a moment, just a moment, to close my eyes again and relax.

And yet my heart started to race.

Pounding frantic beats against my chest, a small flicker of fear had untucked itself from between my ribs and fluttered up my throat. All because I couldn’t see her. Logically, I knew I was in my home in Astana, but this sick panic knew no logic. I’d gotten better, yet somehow worse, in recent weeks. When I wasn’t around her, I tricked myself into believing I was fine, and I’d start out warm with her whenever I did see her, pushing myself to hope and try—and then something small would ruin it. Her divinity had calmed me, reminding me it was part of me when I heard her heart. Slow and steady, it beat in time with her soft breaths. I was nearly calm when I heard a soft snore, and I smiled, letting it ground me.

I had cursed myself for scheduling this early meeting with my mother. Slipping out from beneath her arm, I had moved about the room quietly to get ready. She had slept deeply, needing it, and I had tried not to look at the dark circles beneath her eyes, for which I was surely responsible. And when I turned to go, leaving behind the surprise of a shell for her, I had stopped myself.

One kiss. I could hold it together enough to press my lips to her forehead, smooth in her sleep, not wrinkled by stress and frustration. I had tugged the blanket up to better cover her, and done just that, my mouth whispering across her skin, not firm enough to pull her from slumber.

It was the thought of that kiss which motivated me to deal with Shivani and get it over with quickly. Small progress was better than no progress. I hadn’t told her, not wanting to get her hopes up, but I’d been practicing banishing my shadows with Dewalt. Em had suggested we learn from Cyran, but I’d immediately dismissed the idea. I had no interest in dealing with the boy—unless it involved dealing with the way his head still rested on his shoulders.

Walking toward my mother’s private quarters within the palace, I pondered what I’d been dreaming of the night before.

Her, of course.

An old memory, a fond one. We grew close that summer, but neither of us ever crossed the line of friendship, despite both of our separate desires. It was the next spring, before the summer it all went to hell, when I finally decided I couldn’t live, couldn’tbreathe, without pressing my lips to hers. Her finding the telescope for me marked a change between us though. I had felt stupid for being so touched by it, but she’d remembered and wanted to do something nice for me. Me and her sister always had people fawning over us and doing things for us, wanting our attention and praise, but it was that action from her which meant more than all the rest.

It hadn’t hurt that over the past year, she’d grown into the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Inside and out, she had been perfect. Still was. Gods, I was fucking lucky. But of course, the memory had turned into a nightmare. I’d hurt her, been the one to make her fall. It wasn’t hard to figure out why my mind had gone down such a path.

Rapping lightly on the door to her suite, I entered Shivani’s room, steeling myself for the onslaught of planning and questions she would bring down upon me. The coronation was in one week’s time. I had hoped I’d be back to my old self again by then, but I’d had to readjust my expectations.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw my mother on the sofa, knees curled up against her chest as she wiped tears from her eyes. A plate with a half-eaten honey roll sat on the end table beside her, and the curtains hadn’t even been drawn. She was crying in the dark.

“Mother?”

She sat upright, placing her feet on the ground and clasping her hands in her lap.

“Good morning, Rainier. I didn’t expect you so soon.”

“I’m late.”

“Oh? I hadn’t even realized.”

Cautiously walking past her to the window behind the sofa, I drew the curtains and allowed light into the room. She still wore her robe and scarf from sleep. Always perfectly dressed and manicured, she hadn’t let me see this side of her since I was a child.

“Are you alright?”

Deep brown eyes blinked up at me, and she shook her head as she stood. “I’ll be right back,” she said as she took a step toward her bathing suite.

I grasped her wrist as she walked past, not sure where the urge to comfort her came from. Though I didn’t blame her for listening to Ashmont, nor did I resent her for choosing the route I would have chosen myself when it came to Declan, I was angry with her for how she made Em feel in my absence. The point of sending the message to her from the Cascade was to ensure she would take care of my girls if I couldn’t. And from what I’d been told, she had thought Em a liar. It was up to my wife to decide to forgive her, but I’d forever hold some anger over it. No matter if Em accepted her apology or not. Even so, I felt myself trying to bridge the distance.

“What’s wrong?”

She tried to jerk her arm away, but my grip held firm.

“Nothing. I lost track of time. Let me freshen up, and I’ll be ready to discuss our plans.”

“You were crying. Why?”

“Unhand me, and let me get dressed.”

“Get dressed, then we’ll talk about why I found you crying,” I said, loosening my hold. She glared up at me but turned toward her bathing suite, gliding away gracefully.

Moments later, she swanned out, wearing a long, flowing emerald-green dress. Loose and unembellished, it was a dress more casual than most she wore. She’d swapped out her plain, silken scarf for a golden one with black vines twisting in a pattern. The skin under her eyes was puffy, the only evidence of her tears.

Ignoring me, she moved past me to sit at the table where notes and charts took over every bit of space.

“Nereza is sending two of her daughters to the coronation,” she said, not looking at me. “I presume they’ll have questions. Enough people saw Keeva packing her things and that squall rather conveniently sank the passenger ship. I assume we shall blame it on that?”

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