Page 120 of Between Despair and Hope

Kissing you felt like kissing a brother. Let’s just stay friends?

“If you’d allow me, I’d love to go somewhere for dinner with you. J-just the two of us. There’s a cafe in the artist quarter that has apple cider still. If you wanted. I mean, if you wanted to go with me. Not if you want apple cider. Unless you don’t like apple cider? Oh gods, I don’t know if you even like apple—”

“Hey, breathe.” More than just his ears were turning red. I hadn’t wanted to talk to him about this so soon. “I don’t think I’d be allowed to go anywhere, just the two of us.”

“Oh, that’s true. Maybe Thyra would go with us? And just watch us eat?”

I scrunched up my nose. “That’s weird, Theo.”

“Yeah, I guess it is. Well, I don’t know. Maybe we could have a picnic here?”

“Where? There’s snow everywhere. I-I don’t think we should—”

“Am I a bad kisser?”

My eyes rounded. “Theo!”

“Shh,” he replied, nodding at Rainier and Dewalt, who still weren’t paying attention. “Well, am I?”

“Theo, I don’t think that—”

“This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you, b-but you were my first kiss, and I bet it would be better if you let me try again.”

I closed my eyes, mortified and wishing I was anywhere but here. “I don’t plan on kissinganyonefor a very long time,“ I hissed.

“Was it because of him?” I heard his scowl. “He didn’tdoanything to you, did he?”

“Divine hell. No. Cy didn’t—Cyran didn’t hurt me.”

Other than the obvious.

“I guess I just thought there had to be a reason you haven’t kissed me again. We’ve been training together every day for weeks, and I feel like we’re back to normal. I thought maybe I did something wrong.”

I sighed. “Weareback to normal, and that’s the whole point. You’re my best friend, and we were best friends for a long time before any kissing happened. I just want to go back to that, Theo.”

When his warm brown eyes met mine and I saw a shimmer of a tear, I wanted to cry too. But I had felt nothing when he kissed me, no matter how much I wanted to. I wouldn’t think about the other kiss I’d had.Refusedto think about it. It wasn’t even a real kiss. Theo was the only person I’d ever truly kissed, and it didn’t feel like I thought it was supposed to.

Cy’s kiss, though. Cy’s kiss felt right.

It hadn’t been real.

“I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is pressure you. You’re my best friend too. I’m probably just lonely. With Ma and Benny in Mira, I thought coming here would be better than staying in Brambleton.”

“Can’t you go to Mira with your family?” I asked, regretting it instantly when his face crumpled.

“There’s no room for me at my aunt’s house. But maybe there’s even less room for me here,” he said, turning toward his pile of things he’d brought with him. “You’re a princess now. What was I thinking?”

“No, Theo, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Mm.”

“No, seriously. I just meant—if you’re lonely—”

“I know what you meant.”

“Theo.”

“It’s really fine. I—” He closed his eyes as he turned to face me. A curl of auburn hair fell down and rested on the center of his forehead. “It was my fault for expecting something else when I should just be grateful that you’re even here, alive, after what he did to you. I love our friendship, and you’re right. Alright? You’re right, Elora. I’m sorry for saying all those things. But, while my pride is still salvageable, I think I’m going to go. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

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