Page 123 of Between Despair and Hope

“You stupid—” Punch. “Stubborn—” Punch. Dewalt didn’t hold back as he slammed his fists into Rain’s sides, and he only stopped talking when Rain grabbed him around the neck and rolled him off.

Thyra came to stand beside me, arms crossed. “Do you want me to separate them?”

“No,” I said. Watching Rain stumble to his feet and spit blood on the snow-covered ground had me seeing red. “Let him get it out of his system.” I shook my head. Jealousy and anger still rolled down the bond toward me, and all I could do was make sure he felt my disgust and disappointment in return.

“Em,” he muttered, and I ignored him.

“Thyra, walk with me?” I asked, leading her to sit on the porch beside me. Turning our chairs to face the two men still tussling on the ground, she let out a low whistle. Both of them were soaking wet, and the snow below them had already turned brown from the mud they were kicking up beneath it. Rain sported a busted lip, and Dewalt had a black eye. Yet, they continued. They’d wrestled when they were younger, always fighting and showing off, but never had I seen them actually draw blood.

“Do they do this often?”

“Not so bad, no. Usually it isn’t so important—why they fight.”

A mirthless laugh crossed my lips, and I crossed one of my legs over the other. I had worn thick black breeches, warm, and my old boots. It was too cold for the blue cloak I wore, and I missed my black one from Lucia. I had high hopes the seamstress who supplied my wardrobe might fix it after my struggle with the rogue masters. Pulling my extra cloak closer to my body and the hood up over my head, I turned to Thyra.

“It’s not a true fight, though. Dewalt was antagonizing him on purpose.”

“Does it look like it matters?” she asked, nodding at the two men as Rain pulled Dewalt to the ground by his hair.

“It should,” I mumbled.

“Men are not bright, Your Majesty.”

Snorting, I rolled my eyes before letting out a heavy breath. “In my heart, I know I didn’t make a mistake by choosing to accept Rain and accept this love. But a part of me wonders if he doesn’t get past this, is my life going to be the same as it has been? I’ve loved him most of my life, and now that I can finally have him, he won’t have me. It’s painful, even if his intentions are good.”

“Misguided,” she countered, and I nodded in agreement. Rain straddled Dewalt’s hips and landed a heavy fist to his friend’s jaw which made me flinch.

“I can’t watch this,” I began, but was swiftly distracted by the hawk shooting down from the sky, transforming into Shivani’s servant Warric. Naked, he rolled to his feet before pivoting to face me, an envelope in his hand. Had he carried it in his beak?

“Hey!” Rain called out behind him, and both men—children—who’d just been rolling on the ground followed the shifter.

“Your Majesty,” Warric said, bowing low. I ignored his nudity and greeted him with a tight smile. “You received an urgent message at the palace, and the queen mother bid me to bring it to you with haste.” Handing over the letter, he immediately shifted back into his hawk form and shot back into the sky, circling lazily above us. It wasn’t sealed, and I felt more than a bit perturbed that Shivani clearly opened it. I read it twice and handed it over to Thyra before turning to go inside.

My father was dying, and he had things he needed to tell me.

Elora didn’t want to go to Ravemont, and I didn’t blame her. She’d been drawing in her room while I was gone with Dewalt, and she showed me each sketch before I had a chance to tell her about Lord Kennon. She had been so excited to show me how her figures had improved after she’d picked up a drawing guide at the bookstore. When I finally got around to telling her, she didn’t have much reaction other than to make sure I was alright. She was getting used to her life here, and she’d never had a chance to be close to her grandfather. Part of me was hesitant to leave her for a few reasons. By not forcing her to go, I felt almost as if I had failed as a mother. That I hadn’t instilled in her some sort of love and respect for the man who had sired me. My own relationship with him was complicated though, so I couldn’t expect it to be different for her. Part of me didn’t want to go myself.

Another reason I didn’t want to leave her was obvious. The past two days she’d been at the palace were torturous. I knew she was there, safe, and Thyra checked in on her for me. And yet, I’d been far more nervous than necessary. Would I be able to stomach the separation? Even if only for a few days?

But she’d stopped me, anticipating my fear, promising to do anything and everything Thyra told her to do. My Second had instantly offered her services, and I was grateful for her. The woman had become a close friend, to both myself and my daughter. They immediately discussed Elora’s schedule, Thyra commenting on her sketches.

I had relented, agreeing to the arrangement, before Rain and Dewalt even came inside. Coming down the stairs from Elora’s room, I felt their gazes on me from the threshold, and I ignored them. I would inevitably have to speak to Rain and explain to him that I wouldn’t be going to the coronation. I didn’t have to be there by rights, and the purpose was to solidify him as king. I’d be queen in name only, and perhaps only ever in name, if Rain never crossed this chasm between us.

But the distance between my father and me only had one opportunity to be fixed, if his nurse’s letter was to be believed. His mind had been wasting away. I’d witnessed a hint of it when I saw him months ago at Ravemont, and I’d pushed it aside. Elora was my priority, and I ignored my gut, which told me he wasn’t quite right. Now, he only had a few moments of clarity each day, and I’d need to make use of those hours to make any sort of amends with him.

So, I packed a bag. Difficult to do while minimizing movement of one arm, I did my best. I hoped I’d be able to rift myself back to Brambleton, everything blanketed by snow, but what was the alternative? Any other travel wouldn’t get me there in reasonable time. Methodically, I rolled up shirts and pants, shoving them into the bag neatly. I began to feel guilt over the fact I’d found out my father was dying, and I felt nothing. I didn’t feel sad or worried. I didn’t feel much at all. Regret, perhaps, but nothing so potent I couldn’t function.

I was grabbing a few things from the bathing suite when Rain came to stand in the doorway, taking up too much room in my physical and mental space. I wasn’t ready to deal with him.

“Thyra told me your father is dying,” he said, voice quiet. I pointedly avoided looking at him as I walked back into the closet, ignoring his red and bleeding knuckles. All I did was nod as I pulled another sweater off a hanger. “We’ll be leaving tonight?”

“I’llbe leaving tonight,“ I corrected.

“I’m going too.”

“No. I don’t know if I’ll be back in time for the coronation.”

“They can’t have a coronation without me. They’ll wait.”

---