Page 127 of Between Despair and Hope

“The balcony.”

My stomach twisted. “That was what, fifteen fucking years ago? Even though I’m sure I thanked you back then, I’ll do it again. Since you’re clearly still pissed off about it. Thank you for stopping me from falling off the fucking balcony.”

“Try it again, but with the truth.”

“What do you mean? I almost fell. You grabbed me so I didn’t. End of story.”

“You were about tojumpoff the balcony,” she said.

“No, I wasn’t. I was acting a fool. Fucking around.”

“You know, I spent probably five years of my life keeping the two of you from killing yourselves. But I don’t think Rainier ever actually considered doing it on purpose. You can say you were fucking around all you want. But we both know the truth. And you never once honestly and openly thanked me for it. Not with all the weight that gratitude deserves. That I deserve. You want to know how I stopped worrying about you so gods damn much? The bond. Because I could feel you at the other end. Because I knew you weren’t fucking dead.”

The air in the hallway stilled, and I didn’t move. She took a step toward me and stopped, her face carved out of stone. She’d never looked more like Shivani. The low lamplight at the end of the hall did little to illuminate the shadows on her face, and I didn’t know what to say. “It’s not your decision that upsets me. It’s the fact you had so little fucking consideration of me and my feelings when I’ve considered yours foryears, D. That was a conversation we should have had.”

“I knew you wouldn’t listen.”

“You found time to talk to Mairin, so you could have found time to talk to me. Even if you thought I wouldn’t have listened, you owed me the decency to fucking try. You owed me that.”

“I’m sorry,” I said—helpless. I barely had any fight to begin with when it came to her, but whatever remained left me upon hearing the disappointment in her voice.

“I’m starting to think that I was so worried about you and Rainier, I didn’t have a chance to learn who I am and what I want out of life. Hell, part of me wonders if you both let yourselves sink as low as you did because you knew I’d be there to make sure you didn’t go too far. The woman you loved died, and he lost the woman he loved. I know that. But neither of you,” she whispered, angry tears threatening at her lashes, “Neither of you cared to ask me how I was. They were my friends too. It was my tragedy to grieve too.”

“You’re right.” I didn’t know what else to say. Shewasright. Rainier and I were both selfish in our misery. I had never once put voice to my actions that night on the balcony, and she was forcing me to do it. It had been a moment of weakness. I wouldn’t have thought about the enticing edge, an end to the constant ache if it hadn’t been Lucia’s birthday. In those early days, it wasn’t safe for me to be alone on anniversaries. I’d been alright the week before, the anniversary of the day she’d died. But it was too much to get through both so close together.

“You know, part of me worried you’d both leave me too. And then where would I be?” Her arms were crossed tightly over her body, making herself small, but she held her neck straight and head high. Elegant.

“You’re right about all of it. I was selfish, and Rainier was selfish. We shouldn’t have burdened you with our grief like that. Not when you had your own.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. We were all too young, but I was only sixteen. I should have been sneaking around like you two did. I should have had friends. But I was too afraid to make any because then you might think I didn’t need you. That you didn’t have any reason to—to stay.”

“Ven, I—” I took a step forward, reaching out to her, but she shook her head. I probably knew her boundaries better than anyone, and she wasn’t finished talking. I didn’t interrupt her.

“I’m glad you feel confident enough in me and in yourself to make this decision. But if you would have let me be a part of the conversation, I would have sat down with you and explained my fears. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, and I just have to get this off my chest before I leave tomorrow.”

“Leave?”

“We are headed to Northport in the morning. I came by to grab a few things I left here.”

“I thought you were going after the coronation.”

“I don’t quite feel like celebrating. Not to mention, who knows when the coronation will be now. We can’t afford to wait, not with Lamera under threat.”

“Shit. Alright, well, I hope you’ll be careful.”

“I will.” She looked down at the floor, poking at something with the toe of her boot.

“You wanted to get something off your chest?”

“Yes.” She sighed. “If you would have come to me, I would have tried to make sure you’ll be alright. I’m about to be gone for gods know how long, and I won’t know that you’ll be fine. You’ve been…decent for a long while, but I’m afraid.”

“I’m fine.”

“That’s what you said back then too. And then I found you weeping on the balcony.”

“Low blow. I already feel bad enough. I don’t want to think about that too hard right now.”

“Fine. Can you do me a favor?”

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