Page 128 of Between Despair and Hope

“What?”

“You don’t have to talk about it with me or with anyone, really. But I want you to think about that night, those first few years, and look at them for what they really were. Stop lying to yourself.” I nodded, clearing my throat and looking down at the doorknob near my hip. Anything to not look at her. “And, while I’m gone, be careful?”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Better. Do better than your best.” She inhaled deep. “Thank you. As mad as I am, I can’t help but worry.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Are you just saying that to shut me up?”

“No. I actually talked to Emma a bit about all this.” I pretended to not see the hurt in her eyes. I’d gone to someone other than her, and that had to sting. I continued, “I don’t know if I ever could have what the two of them have, but I think you could. I’m not ruling it out for me either, but I’m not optimistic.”

“We both could have it.”

“Maybe. Anyway, I’m doing alright. I promise I’ll steer clear from any and all balconies while you’re gone.”

“That’s not very funny.”

“I think it’s at least a little funny.”

She huffed a laugh. “You’re such an ass.”

“It’s part of my charm.” I pushed off the wall, shoving my hands into my pockets.

“Well, I suppose I should go. Early morning,” she mumbled.

“Ven?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

“And thank you. Thank you for giving me a reason to stay.”

I was in a strange mental state when I finally went downstairs. I’d mulled over what Ven had said to me while I bathed, and I sat there until the water grew cold. There was a lot I tried not to think about from those early years after Lucia died. I hadn’t been a good person or a good friend. I’d justified it in my mind, but that wasn’t fair. I was living my hell. Sad and fucking angry, every morning I woke up I wished I didn’t. It wasn’t like I was actively seeking an end to my misery, but I did a lot of dumb shit that could have very easily done it for me. I still didn’t know if I really planned to jump that night or if I wanted to fall, which was nearly the same thing.

But not quite.

I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to live.

That difference meant something, and I wasn’t sure why.

I had always thought Ven asking for the bond was for our mutual benefit. To find out she counted on it to make sure I was alright made me feel like a piece of shit. She deserved better. I should have gotten my shit together back then, so she didn’t feel she needed to tie her fucking life to mine. And then I went and chose to end the bond without giving her the respect she deserved. Fuck. I was going to have to make it up to her once she got back.

I was brushing out my hair as I ran down the stairs, fresh from the bath and hoping to get a late dinner, when a chorus of feminine laughter echoed from the front sitting room. Altering my destination, I explored the noise. I’d expected Thyra and Elora, but Nor was a surprise. I found Elora sitting on the ground in front of the sofa while Thyra pulled her hair into a loose braid. Nor sat at the table beside them, a book open in her hands. She was pink-cheeked and grinning, and I looked at the title.

Ruminations on Marital Bliss.

None of them noticed me as I leaned against the door frame.

“A woman’s sensitivities are too volatile, and thusly, it is a man’s duty to protect her from such excitation. The femininity of a decisive woman is a bane and should be avoided.” Nor projected the words, wrinkling her nose as she spoke.

Thyra snorted as she tied a string in Elora’s hair, ending the braid. “Where did you get such stupid book?”

“It’s an old Myriad text. I found it in my mother’s belongings,” Nor replied, slamming it shut and tossing it on the table.

---