Page 134 of Between Despair and Hope

I sighed, throwing my hands down at my sides. “With how things have been, with you not even risking being around me, what was I supposed to think? I don’t know what you would have me do, Rain. I had to dosomething.”

“Are you already bored with this life?”

“I’m not bored,” I said, voice clipped. The insinuation I’d risk my safety out of boredom made me want to slap him. He’d deserve it, and I doubted I’d regret it. “I had to do something because I’ve been stuck in my head. You won’t let me in, and I can’t get out. If I couldn’t fix you, and I couldn’t fix me, at least I could fix them. It’s what I do! What I’ve always done, Rain.”

He looked as if I’d actually slapped him rather than just thought about it. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s fine.” I busied myself with my pack again.

“No, it’s not.”

“Alright, it’s not. You’re right.”

“You’re struggling over the novices, aren’t you?” I dipped my head, not trusting my voice. “Oh, Em,” he whispered, and he took a few steps toward me. I stood, rebuking the motion with my own. “I suppose I thought you would talk to Dewalt about it,” he said.

“I didn’t want to talk to Dewalt about it! I wanted to talk to you!” I shouted, my words echoing. “And if you thought I’d talk to Dewalt about it, why wouldn’t you ask him about me? About how I was doing? Then you’d have known I was keeping it all to myself.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been wrapped up in my own issues. I—you and Dewalt—“

“Aren’t married. Aren’t bonded. Aren’t two parts of onesoul, Rain. You might not need me to get through what you’ve been through, but I needyou. It’s as if you forget who we belong to.”

Standing to face him, I ripped my sweater off and unraveled my scarf from my neck, careful with my tender skin. My hair fell in a soft wave, and Rain didn’t notice as he lifted his chin and crossed the distance between us.

“You mistake me. I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone. Staying away from you has been—“ He shook his head. “A fish without water. The tides without the moon. A flower without the gods damn sun. You are my heart and soul. You are the reason I draw breath. That’s why I’ve been so fucking scared to hurt you. I refuse to live in this world if you’re not a part of it, and if I somehow was the reason for it? I want to escape those thoughts, but the worst part is that I shouldn’t. When I wake up in a cold sweat and have to remind myself where I am, I’m grateful it’s not by your side.”

It hurt, but I understood. It wasn’t as if I didn’t think he was struggling too. I knew he was, but he seemed so content to wade through it without me. “I know sometimes you have a hard time telling it’s me. But I want to help you. I want us to be able to help each other.”

“Yes. I know it’s you, I do, but it’s a lot easier when I can see your skin.” His eyes moved to my collarbone as I knew they would. Though I wore a shirt, without the scarf he could see my neck. He blinked, and I tossed my hair over my shoulder.

“What—“

“That’s where I went with Dewalt,” I murmured.

He stepped forward, and I watched as his hand lifted and dropped a few times. I started unbuttoning my shirt, allowing the top of it to fall open. There was no sensuality behind it, no attempt to draw his attention to my breasts, as I slid the shirt off my shoulder.

I closed my eyes as his fingertips reached out and he traced the swirling ink winding between my freckles. The flowers mirrored the shape of the Damia constellation, and their petals and vines twisted and turned over my skin. Lilacs, violets, lavender—all flowers from the garden he’d created for me—formed a scattered trail across my shoulder and up my neck. It had taken a few hours for the elvish woman to paint the designs on my skin, and she had to do it twice. The first time, I’d stupidly let my divinity heal it after she uttered the incantation, and the ink was immediately gone. She was quite pressed about having to paint it a second time, strongly implying she wouldn’t do it a third. I didn’t blame her. After the second time, I’d held my divinity back and let the ink and incantation sink deep.

“Damia,” he whispered, pressing his lips to the freckles I’d left alone. I didn’t want to take the markings from him, but I’d wanted to give him more. Something he could see without me having to pull away my clothing, the hint of it peeking up my neck. I shivered as his lips and fingertips traced my skin. When he finally pulled away from me, tucking my hair behind my ear, I opened my eyes. The gold in his own shimmered in the firelight.

“You did this for me?”

“I did it for us.”

When he dipped his head toward mine, I turned mine away.

“Em,” he murmured.

“I told you I’d wait, and I will. For as long as it takes. But I have to protect myself too.”

“From me.”

“Isn’t that what you’ve wanted all along? For me to protect myself from you?”

“Not like this, no.”

“You can’t have it all, Rain. You can’t have me when you need me, only to forget me when I need you.”

“If you think I’ve forgotten you for a single minute, you’re wrong. You’re all I fucking think about.”

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