Page 147 of Between Despair and Hope

Pain crossed his features, and I forced away my urge to care.

“I’ve been helping Mistress Imogene with her errands for the dormitory.”

“Mistress Imogene?”

“I heard Emmeline call her Nana once.”

“The little old lady?” I asked. I knew she had much to do with Mama’s upbringing, but I’d only met her once since I’d woken up.

“Yes. She’s—I think she invents more errands for me just to keep me around.” His dimple appeared with his grin. “I’ve been staying there. At the dormitory,” he clarified when I tilted my head in question. I hadn’t wondered where he’d been. Not even once.

I didn’t say anything else, just looked at my hands as I brushed them off on my nightgown. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath.

“Declan beat me.” I lifted my eyes to his, but now he was the one looking down at his hands. “I want to start off by saying this isn’t an excuse. What I did was unforgivable. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I don’t know. I just…I don’t want you to think I did what I did because of you.”

I stared at him, waiting for him to look at me, but he didn’t.

“My father hit me only once before my mother took me away to one of the farther keeps in Folterra. When she died, I was sent to Declan. Ismene’s mother died within the year, and she was sent there too. My brother took his rage out on me and Ismene. Once he started hitting Ismene, I started taking her punishments for her. My brother is evil. He wanted to start the slave trade again. I know I told you that already, but I need to tell you again. He has always been more in tune with the shadows than I have, and half the time I think he’s almost influenced by them. He wants to unite the Three Kingdoms under Folterran rule. He claims it is his birthright. It would be hell.”

“Alright. So, you killed me to what? Help Declan? Did he force you or something?”

He grimaced when I said he killed me. Hazel eyes darted to my neck and then moved away just as quickly. “Did Emmeline not tell you any of it?”

“I want to hearyouexplain it.“ I knew what Mama had told me, but something wouldn’t let me believe her.

He sighed. “My brother didn’t force me to hurt you. I wouldn’t have done it. I’d have slit my own throat before doing it to you if it was just a matter of Declan telling me to do it.”

“Then why didn’t you?” He stared at me, and I continued. “Kill yourself instead of me?”

My stomach twisted over the hurt in his eyes, but I forced myself to ignore it. He deserved this. I had done nothing to him but trust him, and he had repaid me in the worst way.

He inhaled deep, then said in a rush, “I was shown a vision by a seer of the whole bloody world ending in flames. Everyone would die or be enslaved. It was hell, Elora.” His jaw hardened and brows furrowed as he looked at me. “It was you or the rest of the gods damn world. Your mother needed her last blessing to prevent what happened in my vision, and your death made Ciarden bless her.”

I didn’t know what to say. What could I say to that? Did I even believe him? I crossed my arms over my chest, protecting my heart both mentally and physically.

“I’m going to hold the illusion so I can give you the second half of your gift, but I’m going to go because I don’t think you’ll enjoy it as much with me here.” The glen fell away, and we stood on the grounds of Evenmoor. The sun cast a bruised glow over the sky, and I saw the reflection in the pond I’d once looked at from my balcony. A heron stood in the water, unmoving. And on the bank stood an easel with all the paint I could possibly need.

“Cy, you don’t have to go,” I said.

“I think I do. I just hope you know I realize now it was a mistake. I should have let it all burn. Either way is hell for me, but in one outcome, I made it hell for you too. I wish I could take it back.”

And then he was gone.

Chapter 41

Rainier

Iwoketodarknessand smoke. For a brief moment, I was confused. The hard ground we laid on and the scent wafting into my nostrils brought me back to that dank dungeon cell. But when she moved against me, and her hair got stuck to my beard, I breathed a sigh of relief. It had only been a few days since I’d shaved, but it was long enough I had to pick her hair out of it. Her smooth arm was across my chest, and she’d nestled into the crook of my shoulder. As my vision adjusted, I peered down at her tattoo. Took in the constellation of flowers on her skin she’d had imprinted on her body—for me. She said it was for us, but if it weren’t for my problems, she wouldn’t have needed to do it.

My twin flame.

Whoever had painted the tattoo had been talented. The flowers weren’t filled with color, but black outlines made up the detailed petals. I counted the blooms, appreciating their formation to mirror the freckles. She was real, and she was mine. She’d put painful marks on her body to help me escape the torments of my mind. It was just one of the few painful things she’d done for me in her lifetime. Between this, what she had to do to get me back, and giving birth to our child—nearly dying from it—I owed her everything.

I traced her skin with a soft touch, delicately brushing her hair from her shoulder so I could better see the ink on her skin. Comforted and pacified, I looked up, trying to understand why the cavern was so smoky. No light shone down from above, even though it was definitely daytime. The only light I could see by was what filtered through the crack out to the lake. Was the hole into the cavern covered somehow?

I gently adjusted her as I moved my body out from beneath her. She was sound asleep and so gods damn beautiful. The blanket was pulled up to her waist, and as I jostled her, she murmured quietly before tucking her hand under her cheek. I wanted to ignore everything else and lay back down beside her. Lying on her side, her breasts pushed together, her skin was tantalizing. I wanted to kiss every bit of exposed flesh. And then I wanted to expose more and kiss that too.

That single act she’d done for me had changed so much. It was a final push I’d needed to be less fearful around her. I’d been on the verge of working something out with her, but then she’d risked herself with the fucking Wend, which had me so angry, all the progress I’d made had been lost. I still didn’t intend to leave that topic alone though, not satisfied with how we’d left it. But I’d felt so helpless, like there was nothing I could do but wait. Speaking to the mindbreaker hadn’t helped, and I had resigned myself to struggle through it. But she’d taken a decisive action, one which brought her pain, and did something about it. She was a gods damn force.

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