Page 158 of Between Despair and Hope

“Oh gods, not you. Please don’t.”

“Get used to it, my queen,” Rain murmured under his breath, a smile in his voice.

“I’m serious, Mister Carson. Please don’t address me like that. You’ve seen me get my nappy changed. Emmeline is fine,” I said.

A red flush creeped up the butler’s neck, and I stepped past him into the foyer to save him the embarrassment of replying.

Ravemont was quiet. It seemed the butler had dismissed some of the servants, and those who remained did their best not to be seen or heard. Even when I’d been here during the fall, it hadn’t been like this. On our flight to Brambleton, I had thought a lot about my father’s behavior during that visit. He’d seemed confused about Elora. And now that I knew Gemma, the woman he’d shared my secret with, was his nurse? I wondered how long he’d been ailing. There were many questions I had, and I wasn’t sure I’d find all the answers.

“I’ll go fetch Miss Gemma. If you want to wait in the front sitting room?”

I nodded, though there was a sting to the words. Ravemont had a multitude of rooms which served various purposes. The front sitting room was where we met with formal guests. It reminded me just how much this wasn’t my home anymore. It would make sense if Mister Carson chose that room because of the Crown, but my sensitive heart took it the worst way possible. I was a guest—a stranger.

But I was, wasn’t I?

The older servants knew me, but they knew a different version of me. They knew an Emmeline who loved and fought with and kept secrets from her sister. They knew an Emmeline who didn’t understand grief and guilt and regret. When I’d been grieving my sister and going through pregnancy alone, I’d been locked away, only visited by Nana or my mother. I certainly hadn’t been around anyone enough for them to know me. They didn’t know who I became when I was forced to move forward on a new path on my own. They didn’t know who I was as a mother. They didn’t know how reconciling myself with the past gave me a new future. I was someone new, made by my own decisions.

Rain and I only had to wait a few moments before Gemma came bustling into the room.

“Your Majesties, I must say he is doing rather well today!” she exclaimed, much too loudly. Her crimson dress made of velvet seemed much too fine for a nursemaid, but I supposed she was paid generously. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a chignon, and she clasped her hands together in front of her. “I’m sorry about these circumstances. I wanted Lord Kennon to tell you back in the fall when you were here, but he refused because of what you were going through. Didn’t want to be a burden, he said.”

“How long has he been sick?” I asked.

“Mister Carson and Nana pressured him to hire me just over a year ago,” she replied, crossing over to the high-back chair across from me. The leather gave an annoying squeak as she sat, putting me more on edge than before. Rage tore through me when I realized Nana had known for a year and hadn’t told me in the past few months. Rain slid his arm down from the back of the sofa, resting it around my waist. He could sense it.

“How did it start?” Rain sat forward in his seat as he spoke, maintaining contact with me. Grounding me as he always did.

“The servants noticed he was getting confused more often, having volatile changes in mood, forgetting things. Nothing too horrible, but still concerning.”

“That started a year ago? Why did no one tell me?” I asked.

“It started quite some time before that, but they didn’t do anything until then. He didn’t want anyone to tell you.” She gave a sad smile. “I was going to let you know once it got to this point, regardless of his wishes.”

“He didn’t seem this bad when I saw him last. He rode to meet me by himself three months ago! And now he’s only got a few weeks left?”

Rain’s thumb moved soothing circles on my side as he tightened his hand around me. None of this made any sense. The fact he was sick, that he didn’t tell me, and he’d gotten so bad so quickly—how? I was angry with him for not telling me. I could have visited more frequently or tried to repair what had broken between us. Gods, in the years since Lucia died and then Mother soon after, I had desperately wanted some sort of relationship with the man who had bounced me on his knee and taught me how to tell time and helped me with arithmetic. And now there wasn’t time for that. Even a year would have been more time.

“I rode with him to your home. He only crossed the meadow by himself. It was a great argument we had, but the man insisted. It was going to be the last time I planned to pacify his pride. He couldn’t even remember half the servants’ names by then. His mind has been failing him for a long time, and now his body has caught up.” I swallowed hard, controlling my reaction. “I’m sorry, truly. I wish I had better news for you,” she said.

“You said he was doing alright today?” I asked, voice thick.

“Yes. He just had his breakfast, and he won’t need to nap for a few hours. He was very pleased when I told him you were here. You arrived much faster than I thought you would have, although you are able to rift, aren’t you?”

“Yes ma’am,” Rain replied, dipping his head.

“That’ll do it.” She stood, brushing down her dress. “He’s in his suite. He remembers who you are today, but sometimes he forgets the details. Do not be too hurt if he calls you by your mother’s name. It’s purely accidental. He could always surprise us and recall all the things I reminded him of yesterday. It’s hard to tell what it will be each day. I do think it would be best if only the queen goes in,” she said, leading me toward the door before addressing Rain. “Your visit made him quite excitable, sire. I hope you will forgive me for my reluctance to see him agitated again.”

Rain dipped his head and began to sit back down, but he was quickly on his feet a moment later. My hand had reached for him of its own accord. Her casual referral to me as queen had unsteadied me, but then she’d said Rain couldn’t go in with me. My heart started racing, and it felt like something was squeezing my chest. When I started feeling dizzy, I realized I couldn’t take a deep breath.

“Em.” Warm hands held onto mine, thumbs rubbing the backs of them. “Em, look at me.” Pine-green eyes filled with concern met mine. “Breathe with me. In.” He inhaled, and I mimicked the motion. “Out.” We both expelled a breath.

“If you need to go in with—”

He shot a look at Gemma, silencing her.

“It shouldn’t be something I have to do alone,” I said, stifling a sob.

“No, it shouldn’t,” he agreed.

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