Page 16 of Between Despair and Hope

“If—are you the only…Would I have had Elora without you?”

“It is not impossible, I suppose, but highly unlikely you would have found yourself with child.”

Closing my eyes, I nodded. I didn’t know how to feel about that. Should I feel grateful I had no choice in the matter? I got Elora, I’d be forever thankful for that, but was I no more than a plaything? Did any of us have autonomy if the gods could do as they pleased?

“I do not want a baby, Rhia. Please. Maybe one day, but certainly not now. Do you know how I will save him? I’m running out of time.”

The goddess moved, gliding across the room in the same unsettling manner as Aonara had after our bonding ceremony. She sat on the foot of the bed, narrow hips tucking between Elora’s feet and the edge. “I do not know more than what Hanwen has told me, which is that he is eager to watch you. He mentioned his drakes,” she said with a smile, dreamily, before she looked up at me. “He has always loved them. None of the others could ever make them.”

“The drakes? What do you mean ‘the others’?”

Her mouth formed a perfect O before she covered it with her fingertips. “Let us worry about the drakes. You formed them once already, and I know he is eager to see them again.”

“When did I form drakes?” I frowned; I had no idea what she was talking about.

“After Ciarden blessed you. When you sent your shadows out. Ciarden’s gifts manifest differently for each person he bestows them upon. You’re the first in a very long time to have drakes as their manifestation. Hanwen is excited for it.”

“Why would Hanwen care about how I use Ciarden’s gifts?”

“The memories. He thrives in them.”

“What does that mean, Rhia?” I snapped, frustrated that everyone insisted on speaking to me in riddles.

Her eyes moved to the window where the sun was setting outside, the sky a watercolor of pinks, purples, and blues. “You’ll find out, but I must go. Are you sure?” She glanced down at my belly.

“I’m sure. But wait, what about—”

“It would have been a boy.”

When I finally woke, I felt what I thought was perhaps an echo of our bond. My chest ached, and it was almost as if those golden threads had just been there, and I’d missed them. Hand to my chest, I attempted to catch my breath, but the memory of Rain holding me, his warm hands on my belly, rounded with his child, consumed me. His son. It hurt more than anything else I’d thought about in his absence, and I was so angry. I let out a shriek as I reached for the closest thing on my nightstand and threw it across the room, hitting the wall next to the bedroom door. When I realized what I’d done, I was out of the bed in a shot, already sobbing before I picked up the broken pieces of the conch shell on the ground. The shell Rain had gifted me that very first day with him in Mira. The body of the shell was intact, but the delicate outer flange where the shell opened had snapped off. I hadn’t meant to throw it, just grabbing the first thing I found. I held the pieces of a memory in my hands as the tears fell. It was there on my knees next to the door, in only my nightgown, where Dewalt found me. He had knocked, but when I didn’t answer, he came in anyway.

“I heard a—shit, Emma.” He didn’t know the significance of the shell. He didn’t know I’d thrown it and was responsible for what I sat here mourning, and yet he was on the ground with me in a second, pulling me into his arms. “Come here.”

We sat like that for a long time, Dewalt’s sandalwood scent enveloping me. I was grateful for him. He didn’t speak, just held me, knowing how broken and hopeless I was. My friend didn’t try to make me feel better or ask any questions; he was just there. He would have talked, listened, done whatever I asked of him. But at that moment, he did exactly what I needed. The door creaked open again, and Thyra peeked her head in. I tried to hide the pain I wore on my face, and she dipped her head before walking behind me, gently pulling my hair away from my neck and braiding it as Dewalt put both of his hands on my upper arms, pushing me away from him. His expression gave me pause.

“Why are you here? What’s going on?”

“Shivani is here.” He said, frown clear on his face.

“What the hell does she want?” I asked as I wiped at my eyes and tried not to sniffle.

“An audience,” Thyra replied tightly.

I rose, clutching the pieces of shell, and Thyra’s hands left my hair. Moments later, in the bathing chamber, I opened my hands over the counter, pieces falling out of my grasp and blood dripping onto the shards. I didn’t bother to clean it up.

I chose not to dress, opting to put on Rain’s robe once more. Walking out of the bedchamber into the sitting area, I held my breath. Shivani sat at the dining table, waiting with clasped hands. My eyes raked over her frame, and it mildly surprised me to see she wore pants. I’d never seen her in anything but loose, flowing, elegant dresses in bright, jewel tones. But today, she wore black breeches with a simple dark blue tunic. Her hair was wrapped up in a matching scarf, and she wore no jewelry. Shivani’s skin was normally smooth and plumped; she’d always had a glow and barely looked older than me, though she was well over two hundred years old. She had always looked healthy. That wasn’t the case today. Today, she looked gaunt. Today, she looked tired.

Good. I was tired too.

“How is the girl?” She was quiet, lacking her usual demeanor of disgust.

“The girl? You mean your granddaughter? Elora is still sleeping.” She tilted her head downwards, closing her eyes for just a moment. She still hadn’t come to visit Elora, and I wondered if maybe she laid eyes on her, really studied her face, she’d see it. But I didn’t know if I cared.

“I had hoped she would have woken by now.” She sounded sincere, and it took me by surprise. She’d sent her healer to me a few times, and the woman had determined, much like myself and Mairin, that there wasn’t much more to be done other than to wait. But I hadn’t thought Rain’s mother actually cared. I still wasn’t sure she did.

“As had I, Shivani.”

“The Supreme has offered his skills for Elora.” Her words were clipped, and I saw her brow furrow as she watched me. It surprised me to know the man I’d met with in Lamera wanted to help. After everything at the Cascade, I’d honestly forgotten anything to do with the Myriad. I had forgotten about Rain stealing a text from the Supreme, the two of us learning the true prophecy under an apple tree. The Supreme had to have known we took it. And he was interested in Elora. I didn’t hesitate with my answer.

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