Page 166 of Between Despair and Hope

Perhaps it made me a bad person or an irresponsible failure of a king. My father never would have dropped everything, certainly not amid the impending war, to comfort his wife. Perhaps with his first one, but not with my mother, his third. No, he was raging at me from the afterlife, questioning himself for raising such a fool.

I knew everything was in hand though. Between Lavenia’s choice to make way to the seaborn, my directions for Raj and the council, and my Second’s knowledge and determination to protect our kingdom while Thyra protected Elora—I was surprisingly confident. I’d put everything in Dewalt’s hands when I left, knew he’d follow through with what was expected—even if he had to work with my mother to get it. Funny how I trusted him with Vesta’s armies, but I’d still beaten him to the ground with my fists. It hadn’t been because of that kind of trust though. By not telling me something he knew would have angered me, something he knew was dangerous for Em, he violated our brotherhood. Still, though, that didn’t give me the right to behave as I did.

“Being here again is strange. Not in a bad way or a good way, just…strange,” she said, pulling away from me.

“How so?”

“So much is different, but so much is the same. It feels so easy to slip back into a routine here. Do you ever—?” She stopped speaking, brushing her hair from her face. She looked so beautiful and yet so heartbroken. “It’s silly because, of course, you’ve never felt like this.” She averted her eyes, and I held her hand in mine.

“Ask me anyway.”

“Do you ever feel stuck in the past? I don’t think—“ She tugged her bottom lip between her teeth, rolling it for a second before she continued. “This is hard to explain. But I feel like I’ve just been stuck in place and everyone has grown up around me. I’ve just been trying to catch up with the rest of you, and I’m having a difficult time adjusting to it. Being here is making it worse.”

“It’s expected that you feel left behind. Youwereleft behind.”

“At my own fault,” she muttered, hugging herself.

“Doesn’t matter, Em. We had each other; you only had Elora.”

“But I could have had you. All of you. You three had lives, lovers, battles—the list goes on. You negotiated agreements with other kingdoms. I could have tried to contact you all those years, but I didn’t think you’d care.”

“Em—” She cut me off with a jerk of her chin, and I slid my gaze to hers. In her eyes I saw storms, and I wanted to weather them with her. Of course I’d have cared.

“And now that I know I could’ve come back, I’m having a lot of regrets. I have to wonder if—”

“What good does wondering do? You’re trying now. You’re catching up, we’re making up for all of it. Wondering does nothing but bring you sorrow.”

She sighed, and her shoulders rolled inward. “You’re right. I think being here isn’t good for me. It reminds me of all the things I’ve ruined. All my hang-ups and misgivings.”

“You couldn’t have ruined us by yourself. And you did something pretty wonderful on your own. You didn’t ruin Elora at all.”

A hint of a smile played at the corners of her lips. “If anything, she ruined me.”

Grabbing her at the waist, I yanked her against me, forcefully reminding her I needed her close. “If anything, dear heart,youhave ruinedme.”

Though the curves of her body had changed with time, they fit better against me than I ever could have imagined. How rare was it to find someone to complete me so wholly? She relaxed, letting me support her in my hold.

“As hard as it is for you, I think some part of me needed to come to Ravemont,” I said.

“Why is that?” she asked, held tilted to look at me.

“I have good memories here. It—it gets me out of my head. Astana has been…difficult.”

She lifted her hand to caress my cheek before saying, “I know. This time away has brought you back to me. I wonder if we’d still be stuck if we never left the capital.”

“It doesn’t matter. We’ll get through it,” I said. “I’m sorry your memories here are hurtful ones.”

A small smile lifted her lips. “Not all of them. Not the ones with you or the others. The bad ones are the ones from after.”

“After Lucia died and before Elora was born,” I said. It killed me to think of her so gods damn alone.

“But we’re here now,” she said, voice watery. “Together.”

I nodded, pulling her close and resting my chin on her head. It was hard on both of us to think of our missed time together, and I held her for a few moments. “Hard day with your father?” I finally asked.

“He barely spoke. Only remembered my name to yell at me to get out.”

“I don’t think it’s going to get any better, do you?”

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