Page 168 of Between Despair and Hope

“Eleven.”

“Oh, Rain.” Her words were barely more than breath, and her thumb stilled for a moment before she brought my hand to her mouth, softly pressing her lips to my knuckles. “You were wounded. You couldn’t—”

“They flayed him, Em. Put his little body on display.” I’d grieved for the boy so often over the years, I barely had a reaction anymore when I thought of him, numb to it. But seeing the tears spill down her rosy cheeks made the horror and pain feel fresh. “They tore his skin from his body because of my ignorance. I should have known.”

Her head tilted, and the tracks on her face glimmered in the low light. “But you didn’t do that to him. It doesn’t make you the Bloody Prince. They’re the ones who tortured a child!” Her voice went high-pitched, and I worried she’d wake someone.

“You truly don’t know?”

“Don’t know what?” She frowned.

“What I did after? What I did when I saw his body…That’s how I earned the name.”

“No, I don’t—what did you do?”

“I went to the fortress with no plan. It was reckless. I didn’t wait for Dewalt or any of my guard, I just went. It was the middle of the day, so there was no stealth to my approach; I just moved. I don’t know if it was Hanwen’s blessing or what it was, but something came over me. I don’t remember any of it past riding there. Not until…”

The images haunted me. The rage burning beneath my skin, waiting for an outlet, had taken the path of least resistance through my divinity.

“Not until what?” she prompted after a moment. I stared at the hand she held, blinking as I cleared my thoughts.

“I supposedly killed the archers first. Took all their breath at once.” Disbelief fluttered down the bond, but I continued. “The gate was open—it was midday after all—so I strolled inside. But I wasn’t done. When Brunel ran into the courtyard, flanked by the men who hurt Vondi I killed them all with barely more than a thought.”

“How?” she breathed.

“I realized what I was doing as I was doing it, but blood is mostly water, isn’t it?” She nodded slowly, squeezing my hand tight. “I coaxed it to fill their lungs, to choke them on their own blood. The ground turned red because of me. That’s why they call me the Bloody Prince. The rest of the soldiers within the fortress stopped rushing me as they fell victim to the same thing. It only took a few dozen men falling before everyone else stopped, just watching as I choked their comrades to death.”

“But Rain, I—when I healed Elora…I don’t remember it. I couldn’t have controlled my actions, just like you—”

“I realized what I was doing when there was time to stop. I chose not to.”

A tendril of her hair fell from behind her ear, loose and wavy, as her eyes met mine. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking, and there were so many feelings moving between us down the bond, I couldn’t differentiate our emotions. Using my free hand to rub my chest, I stayed quiet, waiting for her anger. I should have told her about the worst things I’d done before she swore her life to me. The most important thing I learned with her was honesty, and, though I didn’t lie, it wasn’t as if I had been forthright with her.

“If given that choice again, right here, right now, would you still choose it?”

“Yes.” The word slipped from my mouth before I even understood her question. “But I’ll never use my divinity that way again. It felt so fucking wrong, Em.”

“Good. I don’t think you should regret it. Those who would do that to a child or stand back and allow it to happen are owed no mercy.”

“I don’t regret it, but I do hate that my actions with Vondi were what led me to the breaking point.”

“It was a mistake, Rain. Did they leave Varmeer after that?”

“I let those who wanted to surrender go back to Folterra, yes.”

“Sparing them and protecting Vesta from their plans had to have counted for something. Swayed the balance back to good. I know it doesn’t bring Vondi back, but…I’m sure there were other children who would have died if not for the way things played out.”

“Probably.” I swallowed. “Anyway, I try not to think about it, about him, but Declan’s mindbreaker gave one of my memories to the shifter. She struggled to make herself sound like him, so mostly she just leaned against the wall and stared at me. But the memory they’d taken, it was…from after he died.”

She swore and threw herself across the bed into my lap. One of her arms wrapped tight around my neck while her other hand snaked up, and she drew it across my brow before cupping my jaw. Dropping her forehead to press against mine, I couldn’t stand the look on her face, so I closed my eyes. I deserved to see what my actions had wrought; what I didn’t deserve was her pity.

But what I felt over the bond wasn’t pity—it was pain and grief.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to live with that memory. I’d take it from you if I could.” I felt her breath on my lips as she adjusted in my lap, situating herself as she pressed her body against me. She shuddered as her skin touched mine, and she began to rub her hands over my chest and shoulders. “You’re cold,” she offered, and I opened my eyes.

“And you keep me warm.”

We held each other as we fell back asleep.

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