Page 171 of Between Despair and Hope

When her gaze lifted to meet mine, I realized I’d looked at her a beat too long.

“At the temple?” I asked, taking one step down off the porch.

“Yes,” she whispered. “We had a suite there. Before…”

Before they had shipped her off to Declan for breeding. I cleared my throat. “Are you going alone?”

“Thyra was supposed to come with me, but Elora asked her to go with her when—”

“She has that lunch with Shivani today, doesn’t she?”

“Yes. The queen mother is terrifying though, so I’m glad Thyra is going with her.”

I chuckled, but something twisted inside me. Going to the temple was the last fucking thing I wanted to do, but it would be shit of me to let her go alone.

“Any of the other novices available to go with you?”

Nor laughed, harsh and cold. “Skies, what do you think?”

“Oh.”

“You’re not doing a very good job convincing me you aren’t stupid, you know. I will not ask that of them. They hate me enough as it is.”

“It’s not your fault he hadn’t gotten to you yet,” I blurted, annoyed at her insult and frustrated with the situation, and her breath hitched. Why was it such a struggle to maintain control around her? “Sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“It’s fine. I knew what you meant. Anyway, I’ll be alright. I’ve known the Supreme for a long time. He let me know Filenti’s replacement planned on getting rid of her things in the next few days, so I said I’d do it today. It’ll be fine. I don’t need an—”

“When?”

“Two hours from now,” she said, almost suspicious.

“If Raj ever shows, we’ll leave straight after.” I jogged down the steps and looked to the west, spotting a few black specks toward the horizon, and hoped it was the man in question. I waited for a response, but when she didn’t answer, I turned to face her. The wind kicked up, and I regretted not braiding my hair back, the cool air whipping it in my face.

“This feels like a trap,” she said from her bundle on the porch.

“Suit yourself. I figured Rainier or Emma would have volunteered to go with you, so I was offering the same courtesy. If you don’t want—”

“I want. Yes, please.” Breathless, she stood, pulling the blanket tight around her. Large eyes ringed by dark lashes blinked rapidly as she looked down at me, and I lifted mine to the sky once more, grateful when I saw Raj was indeed nearby. Seeing her relief over something so simple was painful, making me feel bad for the suspicion I still harbored for her.

Until I remembered exactly what I’d agreed to.

What the fuck was I thinking?

I’d gone with Emma to the temple three months prior because I’d be damned if the closest link I had to Lucia was going to put herself anywhere near those lying shits. And I’d failed her then. I’d let her out of my sight, and they made her kill the mother of the woman who stood beside me now. But this was Nor’s old home, so when I followed behind her down the hall and up a staircase, it unnerved me how the path was second nature to her. She knew this place, had lived here and learned here for the greater part of her life.

It felt like a betrayal. Nor was part of the very system which I held responsible for the death of the only woman I’d ever loved. She would have said the prayers, held the vigil, uttered devotions toMartyr Lucia, as they called her. Fuck, I hated that. Lu wasn’t killed for her beliefs; she was killed for theirs. It wasn’t right. She died for her gods damned identity and what it meant to the Myriad, and it wasn’t even accurate.

She’d died for nothing.

Being here and not burning it down felt like the worst sort of disrespect I could imagine. With Emma, I had known Lucia would have wanted me to protect her sister—even though my protection had meant nothing. But with Nor, her identity was an affront to everything I’d hated the past sixteen years.

Slowing, I realized her footsteps had faltered. I stopped at the last second before running into her. The woman stood stock still at a plain wooden door. We were three stories above the ground level, the rich tapestries and carpets giving way to plain stone floors and undecorated walls. She must have counted how many steps it took to get here from the top of the stairs, because otherwise, the door didn’t stand out at all.

“Do you need a key?” I asked.

“I have it,” she said, rubbing her thumb along the glint of silver in her hand I hadn’t yet noticed. Her eyes didn’t leave the door. “The Supreme gave it to me weeks ago, back after the Filenti thing. I’d been putting it off. I probably wouldn’t have come at all if I hadn’t known her things would get tossed out like rubbish if I didn’t.”

I swallowed. Rushing her didn’t feel like the right thing to do, but I wanted to get the fuck out of the temple. It had been a mistake to offer my presence. I was a traitor being here. “Do you want me to pack it up for you?” I asked. The sooner we gathered her things, the sooner we could go.

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