Page 175 of Between Despair and Hope

“We’re not supposed to be here. Kiss me, so we have a reason.” Ready to argue with her some more, I didn’t have a choice when she yanked me closer to her, an iron grip on the back of my neck. Her lips were soft as they met mine, and she spoke in my mind once more. “Act like you don’t hate this, please? It might be the Supreme.”

Her tongue prodded at the seam of my lips, and I hesitantly opened them, allowing her to kiss me more thoroughly as she stood on her tiptoes. The person at the end of the hall stuttered a step or two, and I realized she was right. And suddenly, I felt senseless as all hell. The ruse required me to look like a lustful fool, mind taken over by my dick. The only solace I received was in knowing she appeared wanton as well, unable to control herself.

Well, if she wanted a performance, I’d give one.

With a chuckle, I put one hand on the wall beside her head and pressed against her lithe body. She hummed in surprise, and my other hand found her waist. She smelled clean and warm, and a part of me wanted to nuzzle into her neck. A small sound slipped up her throat as I dipped my tongue into her mouth, rubbing it against hers, and I nearly moaned in satisfaction. Finding joy in her reaction, even if she was the last person I cared to affect, my hand found the edge of her shirt. Instinct had my thumb dipping under it to rub her velvet skin. Thoughts blank, I let my body move, and she had nothing to say as I pinned her against the wall. My body responded, cock jumping to attention, and it shocked me when she pulled me closer, one hand at my neck and the other on my belt loop. My hair swung down, covering us from view, and she tentatively reached for it, gently running her hand through it. Biting back a groan, I resisted as she tugged me flush against her. She didn’t need to feel how fucking hard I was from a gods damned kiss. Fuck, with her, of all people.

As the footsteps grew closer, and I heard a chuckle, I reared back from her in a start, realizing only at that moment what I hadn’t thought of in the past several minutes when her soft mouth moved against mine. My hand drifted upwards, thumb rubbing my lower lip as I stared at her. The Supreme said something, and Nor laughed, breathless, murmuring her apologies as she tugged me along behind her.

“Thank the gods I just kissed you myself. If I would’ve waited for you to figure it out, he would have known something was off. Skies above, he might still think it.”

I said nothing, swallowing in a panic as I watched the first woman I’d kissed since Lucia died burst from the dreary temple into the midday winter sun.

Chapter 45

Emmeline

I’dbeeninadaze ever since we buried my father. We had to get back for the coronation, and, though they hated it, I was able to corral the dragons through our rifts. They’d enjoyed themselves on the coast after following us from Brambleton to Ravemont, and it was likely the only reason I could get them to listen to me: they were well-fed and thus, well-behaved.

While thoughts of my sister’s grave being robbed—her gods damn skull missing along with her jewelry—haunted me, the true source of my uneasiness came from the fact my father had never told me what truly happened to my mother. She’d been so distraught with grief, she jumped from Tuaman Cliffs. Why hadn’t he told me? Why hadn’t he shared that burden with me?

And he was dead, so it wasn’t as if I could ask him. I spent an entire day digging through his belongings with Rain. I was too angry with Mister Carson to ask for his help. I knew it wasn’t his fault, not really. It was my father who hid it, but I was sore over being the last to know. His study and bedroom turned upside down and inside out didn’t reveal my mother’s note. I didn’t know what I wanted from it, what I wanted it to say, but I was devastated when we couldn’t find it.

We had just left Brambleton and were halfway to the Alsors when I realized Nana hadn’t told me either. The only reasonable answer to my questions was that he must have convinced everyone I knew the truth, and since those who saw me these last few months hadn’t any reason to speak of her, my knowledge of the truth wasn’t verified. It made sense, honestly, that my mother would have done that. The light went out in her eyes the moment my sister died. I swore if she could have lain alongside her for burial, she would have. I had been angry with her all these years for her pushing me away, for not making an effort for her remaining daughter, but I largely forgave her upon her death. But this reopened the wound, and I didn’t know how to feel.

She couldn’t help it, and the grief she felt had clearly overwhelmed her. It was wrong of me to be angry with her for jumping. It was wrong of me to be upset. I knew it, and yet, I couldn’t help my feelings either. Wasn’t I worth staying for?

Stuck in my head for the better part of a day, unwilling to voice my thoughts to Rain for fear of him thinking less of me for my selfish attitude, I was in a sore mood by the time we reached the cavern we’d stayed in a couple weeks prior.

“Well, let’s have it.” His voice startled me as I laid down on my bedroll, my back to his side. He’d been staying close to me but giving me space, saying all the right things, giving me all the gentle caresses I needed without pressing, but I could tell he was done waiting and was ready to push me to speak.

“There’s nothing to say.”

“There’s an awful lot you’re thinking.” He tugged on one of the golden threads between us, the vibration of our connection resounding in my mind. “And feeling.”

“It’s just something I need to work through myself. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“And yet.”

“And yet you’re going to?” He rolled over, throwing an arm around my waist in answer. I closed my eyes, inhaling. “Promise not to think less of me?”

“I could never think less of you, Em.”

I sighed, threading his fingers with mine and pulling his arm tighter around me.

“Why wasn’t I enough for her? Hell, for either of them? Why wasn’t I enough for them to care, for her to…stay?”

He said nothing, just nuzzled closer and waited.

“I know she couldn’t help it. Her mind made her think…I know no one would choose to do what she did if they thought there was another option. But in my mind, I’m having a hard time reconciling that not only did they ship me away, I wasn’t enough for either of them to find some sort of joy or happiness or will to live. I understand their actions to an extent. For those few seconds after Cyran…Elora…” A shudder rolled through me, and he tugged me ever closer. A bittersweet sadness and grief made its way across the bond to me followed by a muted rage. He’d been holding onto his anger over the boy’s actions, letting Elora and me lead the way, but I wondered, if given the chance or our approval, would the princeling survive Rain’s wrath? “I’m not sure if I would have been able to stay here without her. But, if I had another child—I don’t know. Even the thought of abandoning any child for any reason is just too much. I could never do what they did.”

“No, no, you couldn’t.”

“Am I selfish for being upset with them? Is there any point in being upset? They’re both dead.”

“You’re allowed to feel however you feel, dear heart.”

“Lucia wouldn’t have let them—”

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