Page 176 of Between Despair and Hope

“Lucia would have done a lot of things differently than you. You did what they asked of you, out of guilt or regret, or just the need to do what they seemed to need after Lucia died. Right?”

“Yes. I didn’t want to upset them, so I—”

“Lucia wouldn’t have cared about their feelings,” he scoffed. “But she always did what she was told. She wouldn’t have reacted any differently than you did. And who knows? Perhaps your mother would have reacted the same way had it been you who died.”

“No, Lucia was the golden one. They barely would have missed me.”

“And fuck them for making you feel that way. You’re just as important as her. More important than anyone—to me.”

“Except Elora.”

“Without you, I wouldn’t have her. Different kind of important.”

I rolled over, rubbing my hand over his chest, thinking as I snuggled farther into his hold. “I’m mad that I’m mad. Does that make any gods damn sense?”

“Absolutely. It’s alright to wish it did not affect you.” He paused, brushing my hair out of his stubble where it liked to roam, and I smiled at the motion. “I still can’t believe Kennon didn’t tell you.”

“I wish I were more surprised, truly. He kept telling me to find her. I thought he meant—” I swallowed. “I guess he meant something else.”

Rain settled his body against mine, breathing slowly, and I knew he was fighting sleep. He’d been waking with me, and since I’d barely been sleeping, I knew it was taking a toll on him.

“I’m sorry, Em. You deserved better. I wish they’d been better for you.”

“Me too.”

Dewalt’s arms were crossed as he leaned against the wall. We’d only just arrived home, and I’d sunk into one of the high-backed chairs in the dining room, missing Elora. She was at the bookstore with Thyra and Theo, Dewalt explained, and I didn’t bother hiding my disappointment. I wanted to hug her, hold her, and make sure she knew I would never do to her what my parents did to me. I had to wonder if any parent had any idea what they were doing. Were we all just trying to do better than our own?

Thankfully, Faxon had left most of the true parenting to me, only taking time to do fun things with her. Never once did he have to take on the true toll of fatherhood. I was responsible for every bit of who she turned out to be. He might as well have been a neighbor, someone there only to bring her joy and leave the rest to me. I was eager to see Rain interact with her, someone so much better and more suited to be her father. I’d given them ample space, not wanting to upset Rain or intrude on them getting to know one another, but I’d watched the two of them together and had burst into tears when I saw her lean into him and his arm wrap around her. It was everything I could have ever dreamed and everything I never thought I’d have. I was eager to see it up close.

But first, it seemed I would have to bear witness to Rain’s distress about his best friend.

“D,” he murmured, clearly surprised his Second was in the room. He dipped his chin, awkwardly moving past Dewalt to slip into a seat across from me.

“Gods, and here I was, thinking you were going to make this as uncomfortable as possible,” Dewalt replied, a lazy grin on his face.

Rain’s head snapped up, and I took a small amount of joy in seeing his irritation. It wasn’t anything they couldn’t get past, but I looked down at the table as soon as his eyes darted to mine. I refused to help him out of it.

“I’m sorry I hit you, Dewalt.”

“What was that?” I had to cover a laugh with a cough as Dewalt called Rain out for speaking in barely audible tones.

“May Hanwen shit on you,” Rain murmured under his breath, and I leaped out of my seat and nearly ran for the kitchen. It wouldn’t do for them to see my eyes watering, trying to hold back my laughter. Since Sterling wasn’t present, likely gone into the city for some errands while Elora and Thyra were gone, I found my distraction in putting on a pot of water to boil for tea. I glanced around desperately for something else to do in the kitchen, but of course Sterling had prevented that by keeping the estate in pristine condition. I was beginning to worry one or both of the men had left, the silence so long and thorough, when Rain finally spoke.

“I shouldn’t have hit you, Dewalt. But you—”

“Ah, ah. Anything after a ‘but’ undoes the apology, Your Majesty.”

I didn’t bother hiding my smile in the safety of the kitchen.

“You were goading me.”

“No shit.”

“You wanted me to hit you.”

“That I did.”

“Divine fucking hell, then why am I apologizing?”

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