Page 19 of Between Despair and Hope

“Almost, beautiful,” Mairin whispered, leaning forward to kiss her. “Just a little bit more.” Placing two hands on her shoulders, Mairin pushed down as Ven gasped, and she finally took all of me.

“That’s it,” I whispered in her ear. “Told you you could do it.”

Ven’s moan was her only response as the merrow slammed to her knees and got to work.

“Fuck,” I grunted as I felt a warm tongue graze where our bodies met, and Ven froze on top of me. Her pussy clenched around me, and I nearly came right then.

“Gods, Mai,” Ven moaned as Mairin laved our skin—tasting, sucking,savoring.

When Ven collapsed back against my chest, head lolling, I wrapped my arms around her waist and slowly pushed up into her, matching Mairin’s pace. One thread from the bond was tight, nearly vibrating, and I plucked at it, and Ven tightened around me even more. I ignored the other threads, not nearly as strong, and buried my nose into her neck, inhaling her. I knew what this was, and wondered if Ven did too. The last time our bond had been this weak, it was during her relationship with Brenna.

Fingertips replaced Mairin’s tongue as she stood slowly, pressing her lips in a path up Ven’s hips and stomach and chest before leaning in for a kiss. I shifted, moving her just so—

“Divine hell, right there. Don’t stop,” she gasped, a guttural moan chasing her words. Mairin’s fingertips moved with frenzy as I kept my tempo. We were both close, right on the edge, and I had to ignore Mairin whispering in Ven’s ear, the look in her eyes something I felt I shouldn’t be seeing.

Gods, this had to be the last time. The air between them was charged with emotion, and I wanted no part in it. Lavenia had outgrown me, and I didn’t want to hold her back. I cursed myself for not being able to see this at a shallower level. One beautiful woman was riding me while another kissed her. What the hell was my problem?

I closed my eyes when Ven started panting the merrow’s name, and I focused on the sensation just to push me past the point of no return. And when she clenched around me, and I gave that final push into her, causing my dick and the bond to pulse, I knew I was right. Knew I’d let the threads sever, and I’d never experience that divine connection again.

Tilting my head back, I came down from it as Lavenia still sat atop me, falling forward into Mairin’s hold as she caught her breath. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling when I leaned in, pressing my cheek to her back. It wasn’t a goodbye; neither of us were going anywhere. But all the same, I knew things between us would change from here, and I took one final moment to savor the connection with my closest friend. Lavenia had always been the person who kept me from sinking, and I’d always been someone she could rely on as a constant. We understood one another better than we understood ourselves, and she was going to have to trust me. It was time to let our bond break.

I dreaded the hours before dinner every day, and today was no exception. I was in a strange mood after things with Lavenia. Even though it made perfect sense, I had a feeling she would fight it. When I’d suggested she break it off for Brenna, she fought me before finally agreeing, but by then, it was too little, too late. I would not let her use me as a crutch anymore, never mind the fact I was just as guilty. I’d be the voice of reason for both of us.

Emma wasn’t in her chambers anymore by the time I arrived. She knew she could count on me, so she was probably off with Thyra preparing for our meeting that evening. To force her to maintain her sanity, I’d insisted on making her leave. Between her healing and taking part in illusions with Cyran, I knew it was taking a toll on her. Someone was going to have to make her take breaks.

Because of this, I found myself in Emma’s chambers daily, talking to an unconscious girl who wouldn’t wake. I wasn’t sure I understood the point of it, but Emma and the prince claimed she was more active in the illusions the more people talked to her. Honestly, it felt a bit stupid, but I’d do as I was told. I’d give both of them a much-needed break. Emma would barely talk to anyone about anything, and Cyran looked like a kicked puppy any time they brought him out of the dungeon. Between the marks I had noticed on his body and the vision he’d seen, I almost felt bad for the boy.

Almost.

He clearly had a rough life, but that didn’t excuse shit. He killed my brother’s child. We’d always been brothers, even before I bonded with his sister. In another life, Rainier would have been my brother in a different way, both of us married to the sisters we called our own. But fate was cruel and the gods unmoving. And yet, he was my brother all the same. Cyran killed his flesh and blood, regardless of the fact Emma had brought her back. But if she never woke, what did that count for? It didn’t matter if a gods damned seer told him to do it. It was unforgivable.

I understood why Emma considered showing mercy, especially since he seemed so repentant and eager to help, but I wouldn’t be offering the prince kindness any time soon. I often wondered what Rainier would think of him and how he would feel about the man his daughter supposedly loved being the one to kill her.

Gods, Rainier had a daughter.

The man was meant to be a father. He was patient as hell, something he’d proven in how he won over Emma. He was kind and intelligent, eager to provide for and teach the younger soldiers. I couldn’t wait to see him be a father to this girl. A beautiful girl who shared the best features of both of her parents. She didn’t look as much like Lucia as I’d imagined, so many elements not quite the same, but it was close enough that those two hours felt like a mild form of torture. I had to make sure to face her, take in the parts of her which looked like Rainier, knowing if I caught her in the corner of my eye, I’d think about her aunt. It was strange to see her and think of Lucia. Elora wasn’t even sixteen years old, but she reminded me so much of the girl I loved. It made me face just how young she was when she died.

Not trusting myself to think of something appropriate to talk to a sleeping girl about for hours, I read to her. I had always loved to read, but I didn’t think my choice of reading material lent well to waking a teenage girl, more likely to keep her sleeping longer. Battle strategizing wasn’t particularly exciting. I asked Emma what kind of stories the girl liked, but her answer was vague. The dark circles under her eyes were only getting worse as time wore on. I knew bringing Cyran up from the dungeons was a risk, and she’d be worried about Shivani’s agreement to Declan’s deal. I understood Emma’s concern. She was the only person protecting the boy, though I wasn’t sure how much he deserved the protection. I had half a mind to hand him over to Declan myself, but I knew I’d be ball-less in an instant if I went through with it. But within the past week since she began accompanying Cyran in illusions with Elora, Emma had a certain hopefulness to her, so I kept my mouth shut.

With everything she was going through, I didn’t want to harass her about what books Elora liked. I remembered Rainier reading one belonging to her while we traveled. I’d made fun of him for reading it.You think that will win Emma over?I’d said. In response, he used his divinity to throw a ball of mud at my head. He’d been unknowingly reading his daughter’s favorite book. It hurt to think they might never get to talk about it. I’d searched for the book, but couldn’t find the copy he’d read.

With no more guidance, I decided on one of the ancient epics from when the gods roamed the earth. The story of Nulo had always resonated with me, and I thought it was an apt adventure for her to hear, if she could hear it at all. Nulo was the consort of both Hanwen and Rhia, loving both gods until his eventual death at the hands of another one of Hanwen’s lovers. The tale was told from the perspective of Rhia and highlighted exactly why she was the patron god of mercy.

The story began with Nulo earning Hanwen’s attentions on the field of battle. Before the Three Kingdoms broke apart, all three were once one land mass and one civilization called Ishurynn. The gods ruled from the center of the massive continent, where Lamera now sat. Or so the story claimed. Nulo was from the northern part of the kingdom, where summers were hot and dry and winters were cool and wet. I thought the beginning of the story was quite interesting, how Rhia—or rather the unnamed bard who wrote from her perspective—described the political strife between different parts of the kingdom and the methods the gods used to settle their differences. Though Elora letting out a soft snore told me perhaps she didn’t feel the same.

“Not quite doing it for you? Give me a moment. I’ll skip ahead.” I smiled as she rolled over, wondering if the girl would remember me when she woke. With her face slack with sleep, she looked so much like her mother and, in turn, her aunt. I preferred it when she frowned or smiled, the features of her father shining through. I searched for those expressions, helping to draw me from the past.

I flipped ahead to the part where Rhia finally met Nulo, thinking it might interest her more. Nulo had already won the affections of Hanwen, and the god had taken him for a lover. And yet, Nulo wanted more. One would have thought the attentions of one god would have been enough, but when Rhia showed him the slightest interest, he became intent on winning her heart. Ciarden had blessed Nulo’s family line, oddly enough. Other than Aonara, Nulo had been favored by all the gods in some way. His divinity manifesting in the mind, Nulo visited Rhia in her dreams, unbeknownst to Hanwen. Now, Rhia believed the god wouldn’t have cared, as they’d all shared different lovers in the past, but the idea of the secret love affair made it more alluring. Describing Rhia’s dreams where she fell in love with the man, leaving out the illicit parts because Elora was a child after all, I noticed her growing agitated. She wore a frown and thrashed about on the bed.

“Fuck, alright,” I muttered under my breath, flipping pages. I knew some of Cyran’s visits to her mind ended in hysterics, but still. She let out a small whimper, and I watched her brow crinkle, somehow a perfect mixture of Emma and Rainier. Gods, they were lucky.

Uncertain now of my choice in literature, I tried to find a section of the story which wouldn’t upset her. Considering I had forgotten about Nulo’s betrayal, I thought maybe I was better served not to tell her the rest. Though the man betrayed her, portraying their relationship to Hanwen as something she had coerced him into, Rhia wept when another one of Hanwen’s lovers killed Nulo. Her tears filled the font for over a year, pouring parts of her soul into the life-giving waters. And when she finished, the opportunity to kill the lover arose, and she chose mercy, not wanting to force the same feeling of grief upon Hanwen.

Though my divinity hailed from Ciarden, I had always felt a fondness for Rhia—the woman scorned who still loved and forgave. I wondered if Elora would come to rely on the goddess to get her through her trauma when she finally woke. I knew she wasn’t Lucia, but I felt a fondness for her that made me fiercely protective of her. The girl had been lied to and broken, used for money and to fulfill a prophecy. When she did wake up, I expected anger, and I would teach her how to channel it and turn her into something formidable.

Though I had put the book down, I still had a short time during my shift until dinner, so I described to her all the ways I’d teach her to defend herself, to protect the ones she loved, and to arm herself with weapons past her divinity—all while using both in tandem. Demonstrating despite her inability to watch, I stood and pointed out exactly where the kidneys were. I’d truly train her when she woke; I thought getting to know her and immersing myself in her personality would take the sting of her appearance away. Maybe training Elora would help me process some of those feelings about Lucia I’d kept bottled deep within me. This girl would know how to fight. It wasn’t hand-to-hand combat which had killed Lucia, but part of me always wondered if I could have helped prepare her better. I’d make sure this girl would be ready for anything.

Going into detail about the exact method of disembowelment I preferred, I jumped when Emma let the door shut behind her.

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