Page 190 of Between Despair and Hope

Emmeline

“Truth,”Luciasaid,tossinga grape into her mouth and biting down as she leered toward Dewalt, her teeth vicious and snapping. He shoved her away at the shoulder, and she laughed, tossing her head back. White, silky hair, iridescent in the setting sun, fell back from her shoulders. Dewalt poked her in the rib, and she swatted his hand away. His gaze rested on her for a moment longer, and I could tell she had grown uncomfortable in his perusal. “I’m fine, stop,” she whispered, and I wondered what she meant.

“What’s the first thing you’ll do as queen?” I asked, leaning back onto my palms. The five of us had been in the meadow for hours, lazing about and drinking Nythyrian wine, and we’d only just decided to take a break from the hot sun, meandering over to the creek and the shade the willow gave us. I was getting drowsy. I was glad she picked truth, or I would’ve had to think of something for her to do. The question rolled off my tongue easily, the answer something I’d wanted to know for a while.

“When I’m queen? Skipping the princess part, are we?”

“My father is as old as dirt; it won’t be long,” Lavenia laughed, tugging her knees to rest beneath her chin as she wrapped her arms around her legs. “Besides, you can’t really do anything as a princess,” she lamented.

“Fine. Let me think,” Lucia grumbled. She sat across from me, legs tucked in such a way she looked regal, even if she was sun-drenched and worn out like the rest of us.

“You already told me some of what you want to do,” Rain interjected, leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees. It bothered me she’d told him and not me. She’d been increasingly distant over the past few months, not talking to me much at all. And it bothered me even more they were having conversations without me. I had no right to be upset though. But still. I thought it was going to be different, now that he’d kissed me beneath the same willow tree under which we now sat. But in front of the others, he was unchanged. To me, everything had changed. And it wasn’t as if we’d only kissed the once. No, we had been sneaking back here for weeks now, progressively more careless about it than the time before. Fumbling hands had laid waste to each line we drew for ourselves, and the only thing keeping me from doing more with him was because I knew it would kill me to have to stop. And one day, we’d be forced to. I never wanted to experience that pain with him.

Dewalt cleared his throat, and I glanced over, drawn out of my jealous confusion. He stared at me with unwavering eye contact, head lifted high. It made me wonder if he knew.

“What’s that?” I asked. “What—what did you say you’d do?” I demanded of my sister, reminded of how annoyed I was with her for not telling me things.

She made a face, crossing her eyes at Rain. “Outlaw the Myriad robes. All that white? It’s unsettling. But that’s not a real answer.”

“No, it’s not,” I agreed.

“Well, what would you do?” she snarked.

“I-I’ve never thought about it,” I stammered, doing my best not to look at Rain. Gods, if he thought I’d ever considered… I knew what I was to him. A friend he liked to kiss, to pass the time. He’d be with my sister, and that would be it. I didn’t want him suspecting I thought more about us than I should. My feelings and how they’d grown didn’t matter.

“Liar,” Rain said, turning toward me from where he sat beside me. Heat rose up my chest, blanketing my skin in humiliation before he continued. “Everyone has thought about how we would rule. Even Dewalt,” he added.

“Yes, I’ve thought quite a lot about what I’d do if I became queen. I think the dresses will look much better on me than they would on any of you,” Dewalt said, grinning at each of us while Rain laughed beside me. Lavenia groaned, throwing grass at both of them.

“Go on, Em. I know you’ve thought about it.”

The warmth I exuded based on that one syllable, his nickname for me on his full, kissable lips, was almost too much to bear. It would be obvious to anyone who looked at me exactly what I was thinking.

“I, uh, well, I’m just one of a lot—” I cleared my throat and wrung my hands in my lap. “I know there aren’t so many conduits left anymore, but there are a fair amount of healers,” I started, feeling silly around the four of them. They were more powerful or rare than I was by a long shot.

“And?” Lucia pressed, encouraging me to continue. If there was one thing I knew about my sister, it was that she believed in me. She’d never doubted me in all my life. We’d argued and had our spats—sometimes I wondered if she didn’t enjoy having me as a sister—but she never made me feel as if my ideas or dreams were lesser for not being as divinely blessed as the rest of them.

“Well, I think it’s rather cruel for healers to charge for their services.” Feeling Rain’s gaze on my face made me nervous. We’d talked a bit about these types of things before—he was my best friend, after all—but we’d never talked about me. The ways the Crown could enact change was a frequent topic, but this was something I could do, with or without his help. “It tires me, certainly, but our ancestors were blessed with the ability to heal, and I received those gifts. It seems a waste not to use it, don’t you think?” When no one spoke for a moment, I panicked, feeling the need to fill the silence, and my eyes caught my sister’s. “I know I’m not truly blessed like you and Rain—Rainier—”

“An ordinary conduit like the rest of us,” Ven interjected, laughing, and she broke the tension, all while Lucia studied me. When my sister cocked her head to the side, her eyes glazed over for just a moment before a small smile curled up one side of her mouth.

“I think if anyone could do something like that, it would be you.” Sincere and soft, my sister’s voice soothed my nerves.

“She’s right, Em. And you three aren’t just ordinary conduits,” Rain murmured, a mild frown crossing his features.

“Besides,” Lucia said, “I’ve never been able to heal anything more than a papercut. Your divinity is far more useful than mine. You all have more useful divinity than me and Rainier.” She cast a glance over at Dewalt, something in her voice sounding like a plea, and I wasn’t sure what it meant. When he wouldn’t look at her, her attention fell back on the two royals. “You know, it’s quite unfair neither of you inherited the siphoning.”

“Thank the gods,” Lavenia said. “We’d have to deal with Mother more if we did.”

“Rainier is powerful enough without being able to siphon. Between the earthquakes and the divine fire, no one will stand a chance against the two of you,” Dewalt said as he stood, abruptly starting for his horse grazing in the meadow.

“Come back here, scoundrel,” Lucia called out, bounding after him. He started running, a laugh echoing on the breeze as his hair fanned out behind him.

It wasn’t long before Lavenia followed, shouting at them to wait for her. With just Rain and me left beneath the willow tree, the mood shifted, the air growing thick with something.

“I didn’t know you wanted to donate your divinity like that,” he murmured, laying back and clasping his hands over his stomach.

“Not just mine. I’d love if others would too. And it doesn’t have to stop at healing. I don’t know. Dewalt could weave visions for people who are bedridden or—or Lavenia could make murderers confess…” I trailed off, feeling a bit ashamed of my excitement. It was unlikely for such a change to be enacted, let alone by someone like me.

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