Page 191 of Between Despair and Hope

“Well, we have some conduits who compel criminals already, but you’re right. More conduits could put their divinity to work for the good of the kingdom.”

I laid back on the grass beside him before he grunted and pulled me over, nestling me in the crook of his arm. It wasn’t the first or even the second time we’d laid under the willow tree like this, but every time it made my heart beat wildly out of my chest, certain he could hear it. His never sped up quite like mine did, and I wondered if it was because he didn’t care as much about me as I did him. If this didn’t mean the same thing to him as it did to me.

“What’s the first thing you’ll do as king?” I asked, shifting to press more of my body against his. It was summer and hot and we both smelled faintly of sweat, but I had quickly become addicted to him. I couldn’t get enough. He’d been my best friend for a while, but something had changed between us during all those long nights at his telescope, during shared glances and quiet moments. And once he finally kissed me? It was all over for me. I didn’t—couldn’t—think about how it would have to end eventually, wouldn’t dare dream it might last. Until then, I’d soak up every moment with him I could. I knew in the back of my mind I wasn’t being very kind to my heart, but I didn’t care.

He sighed, bringing his hand up to massage my scalp. It took all I had to keep from making a noise of content. “The first thing I’ll do will be bury my father, I suppose.”

“You know what I meant,” I said, lightly smacking his chest. His other hand drifted up, and he weaved his fingers through my own, holding both of our hands over his heart.

“I know. I’ve just been so hung up on what not to do, how not to be like him, that I haven’t thought too much about what I’d actually do. I don’t want to be like him, Em.”

“You won’t be.”

“But what if I am?”

“You won’t be.” I shook my head, adamant. “You couldn’t be like him. I’m sure it will be a lot to think about at first, but you’ll figure it all out. I believe in you.”

“I won’t even know where to start, really. I imagine it will be quite lonely,” he said.

“Well, I suppose you’ll have Lucia—”

“You’d be better at it than she would.”

I stilled, unsure of what to say. Not allowing myself to look into it too much, I pulled my hand off his chest and sat up, adjusting my dress. He followed suit, running his fingers through my hair and tracing his fingertips down my back as he spoke.

“Don’t get me wrong; she’ll be great at most of it. The people will love her, she’s a beacon of peace and prosperity and all that. But I think she expects it all just to fall into her lap from the gods. You wouldn’t be afraid to put in effort and thought. You already have more ideas about how to improve things than I do. I wish you were the—”

“If wishes and dreams meant anything, I’d let you finish that sentence,” I interrupted, a tightness in my chest making my teeth clench. His hand met my cheek, turning me to look at him with a gentle touch.

“I wish you could be my queen, want it to be you. I could see you wearing a crown.”

He pressed his lips to mine, soft, and pulled away when I didn’t kiss him back, confusion in his eyes.

“The difference is one day, you will wear a crown. You on the throne? That’s inevitable,” I explained. “You can’t say things like that to me, Rain. You’ll give me hope.”

“Hope for what?” he asked, a grin spreading on his face, and I didn’t know why it would make him smile.

“Hope that this could happen.” I gestured. “Us. It’s not fair. It’s already bad enough I have to think about you and Lucia—”

“You’d want an ‘us’ to happen?” I wouldn’t look at him as I nodded, staring down at the ground. Mortified to have to admit I wanted more from him, I bit my lip. He cupped my jaw, reaching his thumb across my lip and freeing it from my teeth. “Don’t think about any of that. Think about this,” he said, leaning in and kissing me again. Thoroughly. His hand slid to my neck, pulling me closer. His other hand rested on my waist, and he tugged me toward him, eventually settling me in his lap. I let myself give in to his touch, the sweet caress of his mouth on mine. It wouldn’t last forever, this easiness between us, this madness which had me straddling his lap and aching for more.

“Maybe, Em, maybe we—” he whispered against my lips before stopping himself. “I’ve never felt this way about someone before.”

“You’ve never felt like kissing someone before?” I hedged.

“I’ve never felt as if I could spend every moment with someone, and it wouldn’t be enough. As if the sky could crash down around us, and I wouldn’t care.”

I lifted my hand, brushing one of his curls off his forehead. I was unusually aware of my body; my skin felt flushed, and my heart hammered in my chest. To allow myself to be told such beautiful things when I knew the truth of the matter was torturous, and yet I couldn’t wait to hear the next thing he’d allow to pass over his perfect, damning lips.

“Em, I think I’m in—” I cut him off, pressing my lips to his, not allowing him to say the one thing which would cut me the deepest once this was all over. I cupped his face with both my hands, allowing myself to do as I wished. I’d grown quite adept at kissing him, but we’d always stopped, panting and unfulfilled, before anything more. And I decided something, then and there. If he loved me and I couldn’t let him say it, I wanted to show him with my body that I felt the same. But he broke off our kiss as I rolled my hips on him, his breath a gasp and his words frantic. “Not here. The cavern. Tonight,” he whispered, eyes searching mine. I took a quick breath, uncertain of everything else. Everything except this one thing.

“Tonight.”

I had forgotten so many of our conversations, our tender moments wrapped up in each other that spring and summer. Rain had been so focused on not becoming his father, and yet it was one of the first things I accused him of when I came back into his life. He’d been so worried about it, he hadn’t had any time to think about what his life would be like and what he could do with only the council to stop him. And yet, he’d grown into a leader as the Crown Prince, doing things his way before he even had the full power of the Crown. He’d won the approval and love of the people of Vesta long before the coronation; the ceremony the day before had merely been a formality. It was probably a relief for him he’d behaved as a king all along, and now he had no limits to enact everything he wanted.

The memory wasn’t a sad one, not in the way it could have been, and I had allowed it to guide me along the halls of the palace, following the golden tether on my soul, knowing he was at the other end. It was late, the lantern in my hand the only barrier between me and a pitch-black corridor. I realized halfway down the hall I could have held light in my palm, but, by then, it was too late. When I stepped into the throne room, I looked down the steps and found him sitting similar to the way I’d imagined so many times before.

In my imagination, Rainier had forever been twenty years old, sitting with one foot pulled up, arm resting on a knee, and a crown falling off his head. The real vision wasn’t too far off. He wasn’t wearing the crown, and one leg was crossed over the other, still just as relaxed as he’d always been in my mind. His gaze didn’t move up from the floor, but I saw his lips tip up in a smile and felt a faint hint of amusement down the bond as I made my way down the stairs.

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