Page 196 of Between Despair and Hope

I snorted, rubbing my palms down my thighs. Elora and I sat facing each other, cross-legged, on the floor of the living area in my estate. She’d chosen to be near the fireplace, ‘just in case,’ she said, as if the proximity to a place meant for fire would keep me from burning down my home. It would’ve been better to sit in the bathing suite with the water running. At least I was skilled with that. The light had come second nature to Em, but she struggled to put words to her guidance. Elora had overheard, gleefully ready to help. The relief down the bond Em felt was quickly controlled, and she cast a sheepish smile in my direction. I wasn’t pressed about it, more than willing to spend time with our daughter. Em picked up on it too, offering to check in with the prince and Reminy who worked tirelessly in the bookstore.

“A candle, yes. Steady.”

“Now, I can’t make my flame quite as big as Mama, and I know Aunt Lucia’s divinity was different too. Who knows if yours is the same as ours? It could make it harder to master. I don’t know. But, the important part is the control. When you use your divinity, you have to be calm about it. It’s…” She trailed off, rubbing her forehead in frustration, and the gesture was so much like her mother, my heart warmed. “I’m not explaining this very well.”

“I understand what you mean. I don’t have to think about my divinity when I use it, but I do struggle to rift when I’m anxious or frightened. Let me try again.”

I closed my eyes, centering myself, putting both hands on my knees. Palms up, I breathed deeply as I summoned the divinity within me to bring forth the light. It was attached to the bond between me and Em, firmly entrenched in our connection. Every bit of her divinity I could use was dependent on it. When our bond was thready and unstable after I returned from Darkhold, her divinity had been difficult to use. But now, it had never been stronger, so I shouldn’t have had any trouble with it. Although, perhaps that was exactly why I struggled; I’d never experienced it at full capacity.

“That’s it, you’re doing it!” Elora’s sweet voice sang, and I grinned with my eyes closed, trying to stay centered and keep it going for as long as I could. I felt the warmth of the fire on my skin. “Bigger,” she said, and I attempted to grow the flame as I was told. “No, not bigger, no, no,taller,” she corrected, and the heat in front of my face told me I had redirected as she wanted. “Alright, tiny flame now, no bigger than a thimble.”

The last order was more difficult than the rest; coaxing all that divinity back down into a small flame took significantly more effort than creating the flames to begin with.

“Now put it out!” She sounded so thrilled with my progress, I opened my eyes early, watching as the flames extinguished in my hand. And when I did it successfully, she squealed, lunging forward and hugging me. I froze for just a moment, completely unsure of what to do, before I wrapped my arms around her—lightly—and hugged her back. She smelled like summer and youth, and gods damn, it took everything in me to control my overwhelming emotions before she ended the embrace.

“You did it!” She beamed as she sat back on her heels. “I think we’ve probably done enough for one day. That’s how burns happen, and I don’t know how good you are at healing yet.” She laughed, and I stood, pulling her to her feet with me.

“Thank you for helping me.” I looked down at her and resisted the urge to pull her in for another hug. I’d done well at letting her lead things, and it seemed to serve us well. I didn’t want to ruin it now.

“We can work on it again tomorrow?” she asked, hopeful. Shewantedto help me.

“After your training with Dewalt and Theo?” She made a face and rolled her eyes, a noncommittal shrug completing the reaction. “Is that so?” I asked, chuckling.

“I’m not very good with a sword. It’s heavy, and I would much rather use my divinity. And Theo is a bit overbearing,” she added, glancing up at me nervously. “He just worries about me, but I’m fine. He can’t wrap his head around the fact that I’m fine.”

“I’ll admit, it’s hard to understand how you could be,” I said, hooking her arm in mine and leading her towards the garden. The sun had been kind the past day and melted all the snow. It was likely we’d get one or two more storms before the season was over, but it made for a nice change of view. Stepping outside, I used my divinity to remove some of the water from our path, creating one made of dirt rather than mud.

“Do I have a choice? There’s nothing I can do about any of it,” she replied.

“So you forgive the prince? Since there’s nothing you can do about it?”

“To an extent. I still don’t want to be around him though.”

“I know we’ve told you this already, but your mother and I think it’s rather admirable of you to allow him to stay.”

“It’s only because his brother would kill him otherwise,” she said. “I don’t want him here, but I don’t want him to be killed either.”

“It would be alright if you did.”

She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face me. “No. It wouldn’t.”

I said nothing as she tucked her arm back in mine, and we continued on our stroll. I didn’t know what to say, so we walked in silence for a while. Sometimes I wished she didn’t have so much of her mother’s empathy, but perhaps it was a good thing. He’d have been dead by now if she didn’t. And maybe it wasn’t the solution.

“When I was younger, a few years ago, maybe, Mama saved a man who had been pushed into a well. Someone got him out, but he was really hurt, and she saved him,” she said.

“I didn’t know that.”

“And afterwards, when Pa—Faxon yelled at her for it, she yelled back at him about how it wasn’t her decision if the man was worth it or not. And I agreed with her at the time. But when he told me later that the man was a bad man, and he hurt a little girl like me, I was mad too.” I stayed silent, allowing her to continue, uncertain of where her story was going. “I was mad at Mama for doing it, and when she realized I was avoiding her, she sat me down and told me why. She said it wasn’t her choice about what happened to the man, but if she didn’t save him, she was taking away the choice of the little girl he hurt. And she said that if someone ever hurt me like that, I should be allowed to decide for myself what happened to the person. She didn’t want the death of the man to be on the little girl’s conscience.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “And as much as I hate Cyran for what he did, I don’t think he did it out of malice. I don’t want his death on my conscience. He—he told me Declan beat him.”

I had no doubts the boy had told her the truth. He had made himself small around me, and though he had a healthy dose of bravado when he spoke to me, I could tell it was forced. Knowing what kind of man Declan was made it even more likely.

“Well, we won’t send him back to Folterra as long as you don’t want us to. I should have checked with you to see if you were alright with me asking him to translate the note. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

She laughed. “I don’t mind. He’s probably bored senseless. Mama mentioned it to me. If it helps you both figure out more about the prophecy, I know it will be worth it.” She nodded, almost as if she were convincing herself, but I let it go.

“Did she tell you he’s going to teach us how to use our shadows? Is that alright with you?”

She said nothing for a moment, and I worried every bit of effort and connection we’d made was about to be undone.

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