Page 21 of Between Despair and Hope

I nodded as I watched her, the hands she clenched into fists and the set of her jaw.

“He’s done this to me twice now.” She took a deep breath before continuing, and though it was because of anger, I was grateful for any sort of emotion from her other than despondence. “He gets scared that something is going to happen to me, and starts rifting without thought. The first time he nearly killed me, and now?” She laughed with no humor. “I understand why he does it. I really do. But I am not helpless. I killed the gods damn King of Bones, and I brought my child back from death. Not to mention all the other shit he’s witnessed. I wish he’d just…have a little more faith in me.” She blew out a breath as she rubbed her hands down her face. “I can’t lose him. I can’t. He is everything to me, Dewalt.” Her voice cracked. “We both made so many mistakes. I wasted what little time I had with him being a stubborn fool.”

“We’re not going to lose him. You’re right about a few things though. You’re both stubborn fools. Him rifting Declan away from you was his way of protecting you, even if he knew you didn’t need it. It makes sense though, since you’re twin flames and all. The moment you stopped being an idiot, he had to fill the void.”

She huffed a laugh, and I saw a smile turn up at the corners of her mouth. I felt a small inkling of relief at the sight.

“I’m sorry I just spewed all of that at you. That wasn’t fair.” She rubbed at her eyes, and I wasn’t sure if it was sleep or tears she was holding at bay.

“No, I wanted you to talk to me. You needed it. We have both loved the same people all our lives, just in different ways. I get it. You get it. So, let me be here for you, alright?”

She nodded, and I let out a breath. It was time for some levity and then I’d call a servant to bring us dinner before our meeting. “You know, you don’t have to brag about killing Dryul all by yourself. I’m still pissed you didn’t fetch me first.” I was joking but I surprised myself that there was some honesty in my words. The man had murdered Lucia, and I’d have loved to be part of that kill.

“I don’t remember it,” she whispered as her eyes met mine. I froze, waiting. She’d never told this part of the story. “I remember hearing his heart stop, but I don’t know what I did to kill him, D. Cyran had just—and I went for her, and Dryul was behind me. Ciarden blessed me, and the shadows? They just took care of it. I didn’t control them at all, they just dealt with him for me. And then…I don’t remember healing her, bringing her back, nothing. I woke up holding her as I was forming the rift.”

Not sure what to say, I offered the only thing I could. “She’ll wake up, and we’ll get him back. EvenIdon’t think the gods are that cruel as to keep them apart.”

Chapter 9

Cyran

I’dmetquiteafew members of the queen’s inner circle in the past week, and the one who unnerved me the most was the merrow. She unsettled me. They hadn’t meant to tell me what she was, but I’d overheard them talking.

I knew merrows were real; I had never questioned the fact they existed, as I knew so many people did. I knew they were real because I had met one as a child. My mother had taken me to the southern shore of Folterra, just west of Mindengar, and I’d fallen asleep on the sand. It was only a couple of years before she died, but I was rather small for my age. I woke to what I came to understand was a selkie, dragging me toward the water. It was giant, and it held my arm in its mouth, sharp teeth digging in. I still bore the scars. I had fought and pushed and tried to get away from it, but it wouldn’t let me go. I was screaming, but my mother was sleeping deeply and couldn’t hear me. Finally, the selkie got me to the water, and I was struggling to keep my head above it, screaming all the while.

At one point, I went under, and the next thing I knew, I was being hoisted out of the water and thrown onto the sand. Sitting there a few moments later, coughing out saltwater, the selkie was gone, and in its place was a merrow. He had long yellow-green hair, ratty and tangled, hanging down in eyes with film over them, giving them a black tint. I remembered thinking he didn’t have a nose, though I guessed he had slits to breathe. His skin was a pale-blue green color, and he was covered in scales so small and fine, I wouldn’t have realized it wasn’t skin if they hadn’t cast a slight iridescent gleam in the sunlight. He opened his mouth, and countless pointed teeth filled it. Sitting in the water, I couldn’t see his tail, though I was sure he had one. He had pushed backwards toward the sea with strong arms that could’ve instantly killed me. But they hadn’t. They’d saved me. He had hissed at me, saying something I couldn’t understand, and I turned and ran.

Ever since that happened, I had dreamt of merrows. I had never imagined what they might have looked like on land, but their human forms were a perfect disguise. I never would have guessed the woman I’d seen could have turned intothat. I supposed he saved me, and I should have been grateful. But I was already so terrified from the selkie, and the hiss sounded so damn aggressive, I held fear for the creatures to this day.

I avoided almost every person who came into the queen’s chambers while I was there, feeling their hatred seep from their skin. They despised me, and for good reason. When the captain had come to my cell, later than usual, I was surprised. I’d thought Emmeline wanted to take a break, but it turned out she just wanted me there at the same time she and her inner circle held a meeting.

That was why, just after rousing from a disastrous illusion with Elora, I found myself face to face with the merrow. My blood hammered through my veins, still too close to sleep to push the fear away. I pulled my fingers through my hair and straightened my clothes before sitting up. I’d fallen asleep slouched in the chair next to the bed, holding Elora’s hand. It made it easier to connect with her.

“I’m here to ask you some questions, and I intend to compel the answer out of you to make both of our lives easier.” My audible gulp nearly echoed through the room, and I swore I saw her lip twitch. I didn’t find it very funny. “I can also compel you to forget all of this, so you don’t remember, if you’d like. Compulsions aren’t comfortable if you’re f—”

“They’re not comfortable in general.”

“So, you’re familiar?”

“Yes, and you don’t need to make me forget. May I eat first?” The nausea had been overwhelming the last time Dewalt had questioned me on an empty stomach. The merrow nodded toward a tray on the nightstand I hadn’t noticed, and I took a few moments to shove some sliced turkey down my throat, along with beans and potatoes. I probably didn’t have to eat it as quickly as I did, but I was nervous, especially with her watching me. I wondered about her teeth and started choking. Mairin just stood there watching me with preternatural stillness as I frantically reached for my glass of water and gulped it down. Gods, she made me uncomfortable.

“Alright, little pig, let us begin. Look me in the eye.” I glared at her, not appreciating the nickname. When she began to sing, I felt my body relax, though my heart started racing. I stared at her eyes, watching the film slide over them, reminding me of the merrow from my memory.

“Tell me any penetrable weak points within Darkhold.” Her voice was terrifying. While Mairin spoke in the common tongue, her voice held that same quality of otherness the merrow from my childhood had. I wanted to run away screaming. But I focused on her question, the compulsion forcing my attention to the task at hand. It was interesting, being forced to answer a question you weren’t certain of the answer, almost as if the compulsion was navigating the memories of my mind like a library. It turned me down an alcove, and I saw a sewer grate at the end.

“The sewers.” My mouth opened, and the words came out without my consent, though I had no intentions of fighting it.

“The sewers within the palace itself or Darkhold as a whole?”

“Both. There is only one entrance into the palace itself, but plenty of tunnels to get to it through the capital. The cons of hygienic sophistication, I suppose. Perhaps that’s why King Soren never splurged on it here. Astana smells putrid.”

“Stop talking.” My jaw snapped shut of its own accord, and I glared at the short woman who stood in front of me, barely taller than my seated form. She certainly didn’t look that frightening, with her plush curves and kind smile, but I knew what her other form would look like. “Where is the entrance to the palace?”

“I do not know how to get in from the outside, but below the dungeons there is a pit which leads out to the river. It’s where they throw the bodies. I believe all the waste from the palace meets up with it on the path out to the river.”

“How deep is the pit below the dungeon? If we could get into it, swim through the shit,” she made a face, and I didn’t blame her. “Would someone be able to climb up from below?”

I didn’t know, but I felt the compulsion move through me to verify. I had never seen it, just heard people talk about throwing bodies down into it, discussing the rats which waited below. “I do not know.”

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